Average Rap Band are role models. The hip-hop duo are riding a wave of nitrous oxide and plush tracksuit fabric to success, and are down to bring you along with them. Whatever field you're in, ARB have basically unlocked #thesecret, and are exposing their keys to success via this brand new Average Advice column.
It doesn't matter what's happening in your world, everybody has to deal with problems at some point. If you're in need of advice, submit your questions to Average Rap Band via Facebook, and the boys will do their best to put your problems on blast for the purpose of entertaining people on the internet.
Dear Average Rap Band. I was very happy in my job selling mattresses, but was recently retrenched. What advice can you give for a newly unemployed male?
Unemployment is a blessing in disguise. Now your fleeting time can be devoted to the finer things life offers, like welfare fraud and daytime talk shows. After an episode of 'my son cut up my sex toy' or 'where was my boyfriend when he said he was at the chicken shop,' you'll realise that your life is actually not that bad, relatively speaking. Sure, your girlfriend left you and there's bong water all over your carpet that looks like Gargamel spilt his smoothie and your diet of pizza and dry cordial sachets has left you weltered and malnourished and now you don't have the energy to get up and get new batteries for the Xbox controller so you sit in the dark smoking meth out of the only lightbulb left in the house. But hey, at least you're not employed.
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Dear Average Rap Band. I see the same girl on the train every morning. She's totally my type – how can I make my move?
It is a well known fact that women respond most favourably to bombardment. So the first thing we suggest you do is send her a picture of your penis. There is very little room for misinterpretation with this method. She will know instantly that you are a multidimensional, new-age man. Follow this up by immediately engaging in a conversation with her about competitive sport. There's nothing women love more than listening to a man discuss the intricacies of cage fighting or breaking down how 'feminazis' are ruining strip clubs with their politically correct bullshit. When these strategies inevitably progress to courtship, follow our simple steps to induce true love. Locate the clitoris and proceed to furiously lick it for two straight minutes then place her in the ever-surprising missionary position and thrust penis into cervix in a jack hammer like motion until you find satisfaction.
Dear Average Rap Band. I'm pretty sure my housemate's dog is racist. How can I be sure, and what should I do if it is actually a racist dog?
How does your dog respond to the movie Schindler's List? Does its tail wag more than normal during certain scenes? Pin pointing the dog's anti-Semitism is the first step to take towards a cure. Perhaps your dog won't eat your left over chow mein? Maybe it bit the Bolivian butcher. Just like there are many different breeds of dog, there are many different genres of racist dog. Some dogs just hate Turks. Others, New Zealanders. Labradoodles for example are notorious for their unwavering grudge towards Filipinos. If you can identify your dog's problem, you can better work it out. Use the Socratic method to critically discuss with your dog why it feels the way it does. What if you propose to it that its favourite squeaky toy was made in China. Remind it that he himself, is one quarter French bulldog. Let it know that its existence is but a product of years of selective breeding, carried out by an oppressive upper class set out to manipulate the dog's genes for hunting and companionship. Perhaps the only race to be blamed in all of this, are the human race.
*Warning: knowing this information, your dog will now be turned into a vengeful beast living only for the blood of man. Lock all doors. Euthanize dog immediately.
