A preposterously large amount of voters in Florida can't definitively rule out Ted Cruz as being the infamous Zodiac Killer, an admittedly ridiculous Public Policy Polling (PPP) survey question reveals. PPP conducted their inquiries on Wednesday and Thursday, finding that both Cruz and noted country confuser Marco Rubio are bested by Donald Trump with a significant margin in nearly all possible scenarios ahead of the state's primary next month.
In addition to Trump's sadly predictable lead and other reality-centered concerns, the PPP survey dropped some laughable and/or troubling numbers regarding the oft-repeated (for reasons not entirely clear) question of whether or not Ted Cruz is actually the notorious Zodiac Killer. "We find that 38 percent of Florida voters think it's possible that Ted Cruz is the Zodiac Killer," PPP said in an otherwise typical press release. "10 percent say he for sure is, and another 28 percent say that they are just not sure." Of course, even when you dial back the magic of addition and simply look at the amount of people who say they are totally sure (10 percent!), these are astounding findings and/or pretty on-brand for Florida.
Cruz, born in the tragically pre-Star Wars year of 1970, would have to possess relatively exclusive access to some sort of stealth-like time travel device in order to have lived a double life as both the Zodiac Killer and the Worst Roommate Ever. The Zodiac Killer's first confirmed murder took place in California in 1968, a full two years before Cruz was even born. Of course, basic math and sheer impossibility haven't stopped plenty of people from noticing how disconcerting Cruz's variety of facial expressions generally make witnesses feel.
"[Cruz]’s countenance doesn’t move the way I typically expect faces to move," Richard Cytowic, a neurologist, wrote in Psychology Today in January. " Cruz's "atypical expressions," Cytowic says, make him feel "uneasy." In a slightly less scientific breakdown of Cruz's appeal of anti-appeal, former presidential candidate Stephen Colbertdescribed the Republican's general appearance as that of a "half-melted G.I. Joe."
Zodiac Killer? Of course not. Molten action figure? Possibly.
