What it’s like to be a virgin over 35

The classic "virginity loss" arc is a central theme in tons of films—especially coming-of-age teen movies. 

But thanks to societal expectations, if you're over a certain age, virginity becomes harder to talk about. 

That's why one Redditor asked: People who lost their virginity after age 35 (or never did), what's your story?

There are many reasons why someone may be a virgin into their thirties or forties, and it doesn't always boil down to one easy answer:

Health issues can also be a taboo discussion point, which might doubly complicate approaching the topic of virginity loss.

Redditor Under_the_bluemoon explained their genetic disease, which causes a hormonal imbalance:

"Short answer: genetic disease (PCOS) that started to manifest in late childhood: massive, uncontrollable weight gain, facial and body hair, severe acne, masculine features from the excess testosterone—the whole enchilada. Extreme bullying and near-total isolation as a result.

Finally finding an unprejudiced doctor and being able to access intensive treatment in my 30s helped with some of the effects, but most are permanent, especially the much-higher-than-average weight, and the excess, damaged skin, and the masculine features.

So, here I am now. The hardest part, FWIW, isn't the lack of sex, it's the total exclusion from experiences and conversations most adults take for granted. It's the expressions of unease (or worse) when I even lightheartedly mention to friends or coworkers a crush or a desire for a partner. It's the judgmental stares from strangers, who assume I'm a lazy glutton (I'm actually an athletic, super-strict herbivore). Virginity's merely a shameful part of all of it."

Reconsider the way you talk about sex: Do a quick check to see if anyone looks uncomfortable during conversation, avoid judgmental language, and don't pressure anyone into answering personal questions. 

Low-pressure conversation is a great way to make new friends and allow others to decide what they're comfortable talking about.

It's especially difficult to find a partner if you don't like to go out much.

Redditor ShakerJew explained that they think they'll stay a virgin for a while:

"I have no clue how to advance relationships beyond friendship ... I've never even held anyone's hand... I'm not ugly at all either. When I see people in a relationship I just think 'Wow that must be nice but that is not for me, I can't have that. I must deprive myself of happiness.'"

User another-redditor3 echoed this sentiment:

"Not much of a story really.

I'm 30, unemployed, live at home with my parents and have nothing that even resembles a social life. I talk to friends online once every few weeks or so, but it's been 18+ months since I've seen any of them in person.

As for interests/activities, the few things I'm interested in are solo activities, or male dominated."

If you're not interested in checking out new places to meet potential dates, that's cool. Focus on your own fulfilling hobbies.

For some, virginity isn't negative, or even something to think about deeply.

Some people are virgins—just because. Redditor DrakeOfficial wrote, "I am a wizard, immune to such earthly desires. Edit: I have received messages trying to tempt me. I have trained many years to never succumb to petty desires of the flesh."

For others, it's simple: They just don't want to have sex yet. 

Others might not care about virginity because they're asexual.

Advocacy group The Asexual Visibility & Education Network describes asexuality as follows:

An asexual is someone who does not experience sexual attraction. Unlike celibacy, which people choose, asexuality is an intrinsic part of who we are. Asexuality does not make our lives any worse or any better, we just face a different set of challenges than most sexual people. There is considerable diversity among the asexual community; each asexual person experiences things like relationships, attraction, and arousal somewhat differently. 

Redditor thrownotinmyhistory explained:

"I’ve never been on a date, never been kissed, never had an orgasm (seriously). Basically, my complete lack of sex drive leads me to identify as asexual. I can look at someone and say that they are visually pleasing, but I don’t want to jump them or anything."

Asexuality is a legitimate sexual orientation, and in today's culture, it takes courage to challenge the idea that everything has to be about sex. Of course, if abstaining is your choice and not part of your identity, that's still worth respect.

Many Redditors described struggling with low self-esteem. 

77paradox said this can lead to an unhealthy thought cycle:

"I'm gonna be completely honest here. I'm 38, tomorrow is my 39th birthday and I'm still a virgin because nobody wants me. I'm boring and ugly. I could give elaborate excuses, like I spent a lot of time taking care of my Dad which, although true, aren't the true cause of the problem.

What makes it worse is that the longer it goes on, the harder it gets to go out and meet people. You either don't want people to know or if they do know then there's a stigma attached to being an (almost) 40-year-old virgin."

While it's not up to anyone to judge another person's sexual choices, this thread offers insight into societal discussions about virginity. 

Why do so many adults feel shame, isolation, sadness, and hopelessness over cultural expectations? With all the other things going on in the world, is someone's virginity really that important? 

The stigma around being a virgin is unnecessary and something to challenge. When discussing sex, make space for people to express when they're uncomfortable. Don't assume everyone can relate to an experience or feeling, and let others speak for themselves.

Regardless of your sexual choices, what's most important is whether or not you're happy.