Stay Indoors Saturday: "In the Name of the King: A Dungeon Siege Tale"

Stay Indoors Saturday: "In the Name of the King: A Dungeon Siege Tale"

Uwe Boll has attained a level of fame and distinction normally reserved for the Charlie Sheens and Ron Jeremeys of the cinematic realm. While neither a former pornstar nor a disgraced former Hollywood golden boy, Boll has stuck his dick in plenty of video game properties to the same chilling effects.

House of the Dead, Far Cry, Blood Rayne, and Alone in the Dark have all been subject to the van-with-tinted-windows-parked-in-front-of-your-local-middle-school treatment. They've all been touched, and will be considered damaged good for years to come.

Stay Indoors Saturday is Complex Video Games recurring feature that looks to find a piece of truly outstanding cinematic dreck based on an a video game franchise, and marry it to an appropriately fitting food pairing. We've already looked at how Jean-Claude Van Damme'Street Fighter: The Movie inspired a fish taco, street food sit down. And how the seemingly un-killable Resident Evil movie franchise prompted a sushi handroll tornado to drown out the ludicrous dialogue delivered by Milla Jovovich.

Dungeon Siege is a derivative sword and sorcery series that was released in early 2000 that was an RPG/point and click hybrid originally released for the PC. Since then it has spawned multiple sequels and the unfortunate ignominy of being adapted by Uwe Boll into a feature film. Sadly, any mention of Dungeon Siege is almost exclusively shackled to the Boll film with little mention of the video game series.

We watched the movie start to finish and we can say this with 100% certainty: We have no fucking idea what happened. 

Over the past decade we've had no shortage of mainstream media releases that are of the Medieval, Tolkien variety. Three Lord of the Rings films, the Game of Thrones series, The Hobbit, and countless direct to DVD sword and sandal films have all left indelible broadsword shaped dents in the cinematic zeitgeist of the past 10 years. What better nutritional pairing could be more representative of lute playing lords and ladies than a massive haunch of broiled meat? 

London broil is one of the easiest, large format cuts of steak to prepare for a group and is pretty much available everywhere. London Broil struck us as what Henry VIII was probably choking down as he ordered another one of his wives beheaded. Shanks of meat have been used in video games to replenish health as far back as Gauntlet. Titles from Golde Axe up through Bioshock Infinite have used pixelated meat to refill players' health meters. The dungeon crawler, RPG genre is probably the most famous for litter underground labyrinths with lazy piles of meat. London broil and a Dungeon Siege film of reprehensible proportions seems like the only panacea for having to sit through 90 minutes of Ray Liotta scene-chewing.

Ingredients: 1/4 cup plus 1 teaspoon vegetable oil, 1 1/2 pounds London broil, 1 tablespoon paprika

The similarities between In the Name of the King: A Dungeon Siege Tale the movie and the Dungeon Siege game begin and end in the title. The entire plot is a painful Lord of the Rings rip-off with each member of the cast looking surprised to find themselves in the movie.

Ray Liotta as a cocaine-eyed wizard that channels current day Al Pacino; Burt Reynolds looks constructed entirely out of discarded foreskin; Jason Statham plays a farmer whose name in the film is fucking Farmer; Ron Perlman shows up with an accent that vacillates between New Jersey longshoreman and Old English Tennyson; and Leelee Sobieski, who must have been completing some sort of court mandated community service.

It's shocking to see how many actors were tricked into making an appearance in this plodding shit show. Throughout the entire film you always get the distinct feeling that you've just missed something very important. Literally the first scene in the movie opens with Liotta and Sobieski, making out with the same jowly confidence as Woody Allen and Soon Yi, in mid-exposition about wizards, some ancient power, and the king.

Directions: Heat broiler, with rack set 4 inches from heat. Line a broiler pan with aluminum foil; set aside.

That's it. The plot always seems to be suffering from a chronic case of playing catch up. The viewer is constantly left wondering what they missed. You could randomly mash the fast-forward and rewind buttons to any point in the film and no matter where you stopped, it would make the same amount of sense.
Jason Statham's Farmer finds his young son murdered and wife kidnapped by Ray Liotta's army of dollar store Uru- Kai knock-offs, The Krug, and never really gets around to seeming like he actually cares. We can write that off to Statham's acting range consisting of the binary spectrum of 'eyes open' and 'eyes closed'.
What does Statham actually care about? Boomerangs. And karate. For the first 45 minutes of the movie Statham whips around a boomerang like it's the most natural accessory in the world for a farmer to wear in a holster around his waist. All of the fight sequences are executed with the choreographed believability of the first season of the Power Rangers.

Meanwhile, rub beef with remaining teaspoon oil; season with paprika, salt, and pepper. Broil, turning once, until medium-rare (an instant-read thermometer inserted in thickest part should register 130 degrees). Let rest and cut against the grain.


From the battles to the sets, the whole film feels like the producers are about to invade with an army of repo man to cut their losses and pawn everything. Massive leaps in logic and direction and a cast that seemed to continue to grow at every scene are just two of the most glaring shortcomings of the film.
In the Name of the King feels like the background music video that plays on a karaoke machine.
                                                 (Made from a pile of melting plastic foreskins)
In the Name of the King: A Dungeon Siege Tale is a drunken mess of a 'video game' movie and director Uwe Boll will undoubtedly manage to fuck up another video game property in the future. There's only one way to endure this catastrophe: With a belly full of broiled meat. Trust.

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