What If: Princess Peach Does An Interview With Complex

What If: Princess Peach Does An Interview With Complex

Princess Peach Toadstool is a survivor. Being the iconic heiress to the Mushroom Kingdom’s throne, Toadstool has endured quite a bit throughout her extensive 27-year existence. She’s been kidnapped by Bowser a number of times, waiting to be rescued by two plumbers named Mario and Luigi.

It’s a tough life for a woman who is arguably the First Lady of Video Games despite being overshadowed by our previous “What If” interview subject, Chun Li. Perhaps that’s what Toadstool is missing: more badassness and less peachiness. After all, she does walk around in a giant pink dress – the same formal attire that has obstructed her movement in a few games throughout the Mario franchise (though she floats like nobody’s business). The Princess isn’t opposed to changing up her image, as we learn in our interview. She won’t, however, remove that crown. Ever.

Your name changed from Toadstool to Peach. What was up with that?
I figured if Tity Boi could become 2 Chainz, then I could turn from a mushroom into a fruit.

We ranked your storyline in Super Mario Bros. as one of the worst storylines in the history of video games. How are you handling that?
I feel Betrayed, bewildered and beaten. I didn’t know the boys at Complex could be so mean. Every girl deserves to be rescued…even if she isn’t wearing the new Air Yeezy’s.

Yes, let’s get into your style for a moment. You’re always quite formal, with a giant pink gown, long gloves and that tiara. Why so…Victorian?
I’m the wife to two stubborn plumbers from Italy. You’re lucky I’m not wearing a burka.

So wait, the Mario Bros. are polygamists?
No. They just call me wife, like how those guys who rap say wifey? Yes, I’m a wifey.

Would you ever wear a burka?
As long as I could leave on my tiara.

That tiara means a lot to you, huh.
It’s worth more than A$AP Rocky’s rumored advance.

Would you ever be down for a makeover?
I had one in Super Mario Strikers, but they had me looking like Roller Girl in Boogie Nights. At least that’s what Daisy said.

Who would you prefer to look like?
Whoever. As long as I keep my tiara on. I’d like some custom grills from Paul Wall though. I still messes with Paul.

How do you know so much about rap?
Bowser is a fan, and well, you know I spend a lot of time with him. B's been on a real Rick Ross kick lately. He's trying to grow a beard and everything. Instead of Bowser, he wants everyone to call him "Bowse".

He does tends to kidnap you quite a bit.
Tell me about it. One time when we were vacationing in Dinosaur Land (Super Mario World), Bowser kidnapped me and was ghostriding the whip all the way back to the dungeon. I get it, the hot girl in the passenger seat is the baller thing to do but come on. This is getting stupid.

Why did he do that?
He was really into Bay Area rap at the time.

Did you feel like you received the respect you deserved in Super Princess Peach? You got to rescue Mario and Luigi.
Not really. I put the call in to Bowser to kidnap them. He took Toad along with them by mistake and I only really wanted to save Toad. I had to get the other two because I didn’t want to look shady. It's easy to get blacklisted in this business.

How would you rewrite the ending of that game then?
I’d tell stic.man from Dead Prez and Jay Electronica to do it for me. I hear they’re really good at keeping secrets.

Fair enough. What’s one question you hate being asked in interviews?
“What’s under that dress?” I expected that to the first question from those pervs at Complex. Then again, they’d probably just stand under the toadstools while I’m floating and just look up.

Well what are you wearing underneath?
Air Yeezy’s. Now don’t you feel dumb?

Editor's note: Princess Peach does not float long enough for us to look under her dress. We've tried.

Tags: princess-peach, super-mario-bros, princess-toadstool, what-if, interview
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