Madden Day is finally here, which means that our next few months are about to be filled with marathon sessions of Madden 10 (EA Sports). Early reviews are touting the game as awesome and fun—but really, what the fuck did you expect? It's Madden, son. Madden!!! This year, EA has added a dope online franchise mode, meaning that instead of geeking out by yourself on the living room couch...well, you'll still be geeking out by yourself on the living room couch, but at least you'll be connecting with real-life opponents via the Internet. And we all know playing Madden is like having sex—it can be pretty fun solo but nothing beats testing your skills with a real-life human.
Of course, not all Madden opponents are created equal, and over the years we've identified recurring archetypes of dickhead players. Here's our list of the 8 worst types of Madden competitors. If you fit one of these profiles, then please put the controller down before you come fuck with us...
• Relax on the shifting, homie. What are you doing over there, dialing international numbers?
• Punts on 4th and 1, runs out the clock when he's winning. This is a game, dude; who is you, Marty Schottenheimer?
• The online dickhead whose cheap tactics and mic abuse are only outdouched by the fact that he'll log off once he's behind.
• He's got one "money play" that he repeats over and over and over (and over and over) again. Real fun, fuck boy.
• The opposite of Mr. Conservative: The dude who goes for it on 4th and 20 from his own goal-line and throws into triple-coverage with the lead. Who is you, Steve Spurrier?
THE GLORY HUNTER
• He's always played the Steelers. Except last year, when he was the Giants. And the year before that, when he was the Colts...
THE BLAME GAME
• Yo, on the real: Calling little animated football dudes "faggot" ain't gonna magically make them play better. Hate the player—i.e. yourself, dickhead—not the game.
• How is you 26 years old and never played a game of Madden in your life? Is you a female or somethin'?