I honestly don't know what was going on at The New York Times for this bullshit op-ed, "27 Ways to Be a Modern Man," to have been printed. I think the only thing more tired in the canon of "Men's Interest" writing than the "Girl Next Door" trope is that of the supposed "Modern Man." What the fuck does that even mean? Why do dusty ass dudes constantly try and tell other dudes how to comport themselves? Why do the aforementioned dusty ass dudes constantly bring up notions of decorum and respectability? Instead of making you click through and further massage the ego of a guy who wrote 27—TWENTY FUCKING SEVEN!—rules for what he considers a true modern man, I copy and pasted them here and we can walk through this haute garbagio together.
1. When the modern man buys shoes for his spouse, he doesn’t have to ask her sister for the size. And he knows which brands run big or small.
Sir. Chill. All you're saying here is that the modern man should be a considerate gift giver. Furthermore, your assumption that all modern men are straight is basura. Also, what fucking moron can't just look at the insole of a pair of shoes to ascertain their significant other's shoe size? Being astute doesn't have anything to do with being modern or a man.
2. The modern man never lets other people know when his confidence has sunk. He acts as if everything is going swimmingly until it is.
And people wonder why depression is chronically under-diagnosed in men. MAYBE BECAUSE OTHER MEN CONSTANTLY MAKE THEM FEEL INADEQUATE ABOUT EXPRESSING THEIR FEELINGS?
3. The modern man is considerate. At the movie theater, he won’t munch down a mouthful of popcorn during a quiet moment. He waits for some ruckus.
You're right, I don't eat popcorn at the movies. I sneak in a #2 with some Mac sauce and eat those delicious cheeseburgers right at the part in the movie where Tom Cruise demonstrates to all of us he's really, really good at running.
4. The modern man doesn’t cut the fatty or charred bits off his fillet. Every bite of steak is a privilege, and it all goes down the hatch.
Huh? I don't even understand this one. Maybe instead of reminding us that steak is a privilege you should remind us that just being a man in this society is an enormous source of privilege and most likely the reason you felt confident that a bunch of strangers would want to hear your antiquated take on masculinity
5. The modern man won’t blow 10 minutes of his life looking for the best parking spot. He finds a reasonable one and puts his car between the lines.
I hate you. My mom always told me that the closer the parking spot, the better deals you would get at the store. You're telling me my mom was wrong?
6. Before the modern man heads off to bed, he makes sure his spouse’s phone and his kids’ electronic devices are charging for the night.
How about instead of worrying about a fucking cellphone and iPads that your kids use to watch other kids play video games, you just do what all dads do and revel in the relative alone time you get when everyone goes to bed? That's prime swallowing your emotions and dealing with the fact that your confidence has sunk time (see: rule number 2).
7. The modern man buys only regular colas, like Coke or Dr Pepper. If you walk into his house looking for a Mountain Dew, he’ll show you the door.
Sir. Fam. Monsieur. Mountain Dew probably trickled down Mount Sinai as a gift from God. Do not disparage this magical elixir. Also, have you never heard our modern prophet Future speak of the multitudes contained in a bottle of Sprite? I’m showing up to your house with a 2 liter of Squirt talking about all the real heads know Squirt + lean = *extremely Future voice* SENSATIONAL.
8. The modern man uses the proper names for things. For example, he’ll say “helicopter,” not “chopper” like some gauche simpleton.
LMAO we all know a chopper is a drill my guy. No one calls helicopters "choppers" besides Arnold Schwarzenegger. Disparaging slang is just code that you’re a racist or at best, a white guy that has like, one black friend that actually is just a coworker and talks about how he loves how exotic Asian women are.
9. Having a daughter makes the modern man more of a complete person. He learns new stuff every day.
What? A REAL MODERN MAN DOESN'T NEED TO HAVE A WOMAN IN HIS LIFE TO SYMPATHIZE WITH THE EXPERIENCE OF WOMEN AND THE STRUGGLES THEY FACE IN AN INCREASINGLY AND DEPRESSINGLY PATRIARCHAL SOCIETY.
10. The modern man makes sure the dishes on the rack have dried completely before putting them away.
Wait, why doesn't the "modern" man have a dishwasher? Also, what?
11. The modern man has never “pinned” a tweet, and he never will.
Your mom didn't hug you enough as a child if you care what people do on Twitter.
12. The modern man checks the status of his Irish Spring bar before jumping in for a wash. Too small, it gets swapped out.
EW, GROSS, WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU? I got this dope ass lavender and peppermint body wash that is so popping. All my fancy soaps are taken from the fancy hotels I stay at during press trips. Why the fuck would you spend real actual currency on Irish Spring when things like Lush bath bombs exist?
13. The modern man listens to Wu-Tang at least once a week.
HOW DARE YOU BRING WU-TANG INTO THIS?! HOW DARE YOU, SIR?!
14. The modern man still jots down his grocery list on a piece of scratch paper. The market is no place for his face to be buried in the phone.
So the modern man is all for the needless destruction of precious natural resources?
15. The modern man has hardwood flooring. His children can detect his mood from the stamp of his Kenneth Cole oxfords.
HAHAHA YOU SAID KENNETH COLE! THAT GUY IS SUCH A DICK! AND MAKES THE UGLIEST SHOES ON THE PLANET!
16. The modern man lies on the side of the bed closer to the door. If an intruder gets in, he will try to fight him off, so that his wife has a chance to get away.
Man, I'm not trying to lie in the stab zone. How about instead of all that we just position the bed so that it's not directly in front of the door or something? I don't know, this is such a wild rule. Like, my girl sleeps with a burner underneath her pillow, she got me.
17. Does the modern man have a melon baller? What do you think? How else would the cantaloupe, watermelon and honeydew he serves be so uniformly shaped?
Huh?
18. The modern man has thought seriously about buying a shoehorn.
Again, what? A modern man has seriously thought about all the havoc modern men have brought upon the world by refusing to acknowledge the systemic sexism that they engineered to keep women from flourishing, from the constant and creepy sexualization of young women to only slut shame them later, to the persistent and endemic racist power structures they have erected just so that all these years later they can have the free time, confidence and budget to write and publish 27 dumbass "rules." Also, you don't need a fucking shoehorn if you're wearing Kenneth Cole garbage.
19. The modern man buys fresh flowers more to surprise his wife than to say he is sorry.
Most modern men should be rejecting the patriarchal notion of straight marriage anyway and focusing on the fact that not every person in the world has a right to marry. Buying fresh flowers will never make up for the fact that you're the type of dude who will listen to Wu-Tang once a week and in the same breath talk about how slang is for simpletons.
20. On occasion, the modern man is the little spoon. Some nights, when he is feeling down or vulnerable, he needs an emotional and physical shield.
BUT IN RULE TWO YOU TOLD US TO ACT LIKE EVERYTHING IS OKAY UNTIL IT IS OKAY. IS A MODERN MAN JUST A FUCKED UP, MOOD-SWINGING ASS BABY THAT INSTEAD OF TALKING ABOUT HIS FEELINGS AND INADEQUACIES MAKES UP FOR THEM WITH STUPID LISTS ABOUT BEING A MODERN MAN AND KNOWING HIS WIFE'S SHOE SIZE UNTIL ALL THAT ARTIFICE FALLS APART?
21. The modern man doesn’t scold his daughter when she sneezes while eating an apple doughnut, even if the pieces fly everywhere.
Dude, why does this have to be a rule? This seems oddly personal. Have you yelled at your daughter for an involuntary bodily function? Also, why aren’' you giving your daughter a danker form of donut? Like a cruller or éclair?
22. The modern man still ambles half-naked down his driveway each morning to scoop up a crisp newspaper.
Evidently, modern men don't have internet connections. Also, modern men don't give a shit about the welfare of their neighbors' eyes.
23. The modern man has all of Michael Mann’s films on Blu-ray (or whatever the highest quality thing is at the time).
OKAY, GUY. We all know the only film you need to actually own is Belly.
24. The modern man doesn't get hung up on his phone's battery percentage. If it needs to run flat, so be it.
But how will he look up recipes that will utilize his melon baller?
25. The modern man has no use for a gun. He doesn’t own one, and he never will.
Yo, I was actually with you on this, but then I realized I never want to agree with you on anything and if Nicki Minaj ever needed someone to hold a gun and some weed for her I totally would.
26. The modern man cries. He cries often.
YEP, I'M CRYING RIGHT NOW AT HOW FUCKING DUMB THIS LIST IS.
27. People aren’t sure if the modern man is a good dancer or not. That is, until the D.J. plays his jam and he goes out there and puts on a clinic.
Rules like this painfully demonstrate the insane fragility of the "modern male" psyche. No one needs to be told it's okay to dance. Have you ever seen a Soulja Boy video? Have you seen Esco and Metro dancing on a rooftop? That's pure joy and art right there. Go eat an apple donut, my guy. You are clearly uptight as shit.
