Can your sexual orientation read "turtleneck"? I feel that maybe it can. This turtleneck just makes me feel some kinda way that I can't even fully comprehend. It just stirs so much shit inside me (emotional shit, not shit-shit) and it makes me think, damn, maybe I could be a turtleneck kinda guy. It feels like a huge step, like buying your first car or finally admitting that EDM is kinda fun. I've never actually broken my turtle hymen, mostly due to the fact that I get Hot Neck™, but I'd totally lose it to this. For starters, it's made in Scotland, land of wool. For a second starter, like you're in a fancy ass restaurant, the brand is called fucking "Howlin'." There has literally never been a cooler brand name than that. The entrée and all that other stuff you can see for yourself, I guess. It's just a well-constructed, high quality turtleneck. You're now officially on governmental censuses as a Turtleneck Guy. Congrats. I can't wait to get so hot that my molecular structure shifts forever.
Sam Diss is a writer living in London. Follow him on Twitter here.
