Ah, New York Fashion Week: The time when the fashion industry says, "Out with the old, and in with the stuff that will be old by the time anyone can actually buy it."
If this year's bi-annual slog looking at clothes all over Manhattan (and sometimes Brooklyn) seems particularly nostalgic, it's for a good reason. This February marks the last time Fashion Week will be held at Lincoln Center and the last time menswear will comingle with women's designers on the same calendar. That's right, beginning next season, men and women will be forced to carry on as if the other doesn't exist, just like in gay porn or at a Hasidic wedding.
So really, there's no better time than this historic occasion to make sure your fashion show leaves a lasting mark. What, you were thinking of staging an intimate affair that tastefully showcased your elegant collection? Are you out of your goddamn mind?! Intimate and tasteful? Come on, this is Fashion Week, not a Sate Dinner with the Archbishop of Malawi. Let us help you, since we apparently have to do everything around here.
First, you'll need a statement describing your inspiration for the season. It doesn't actually matter what inspired you, or if you even have a point of inspiration. Just combine any of the following words and phrases together in a few sentences and you'll be good to go:
-Americana
-Tailoring
-New silhouette
-The '90s
-Military
-Through a modern lens
-Structure
-Kimono
It's like Mad Libs, but not funny.
Next, it's never too early to get started thinking about your front row. You need it to be jam-packed with A-listers. I'm talking so many A-listers that the Getty Image photographers will break into a cold sweat. I'm talking a lineup of A-listers so expansive that if you froze time, Zack Morris-style, it would look like you walked into Madame Tussauds' recreation of The Last Supper, but instead of 12 Apostles, there are 30, and a lot of them look like they just came from the VMAs. Fortunately for you, a Fashion Week A-lister is often a D-lister the rest of the year, so it shouldn’t be too hard to round a few up.
When you go to the DMV, you need six points of identification. When you assemble your front row, you need six points of celebrity. Actual celebrities like Kanye and Kim, Rihanna or David Beckham are five points. Just seat them next a model so they feel like a fashion insider and your work is done. All lesser Kardashians are 3 points each, expect for Rob, who is -2. Professional athletes are 3 points also, but only if they're one of the three that the fashion industry has deemed worthy of acknowledgement that particular season. Rappers who have never name dropped Rick Owens on a mixtape are 2's and anyone on The CW is a 1. It's also important to remember that a beloved superstar who hasn't made public appearances in years can rate as high as a 5, depending entirely on how well-preserved they are.
The only problem with a well-populated front row is that celebs are typically the last to be seated and you need to make sure that all of your other guests are Instagramming continuously from the moment they arrive. This is where an interesting set comes into play. Actually, I take that back. The set doesn't need to be interesting, so much as it needs to be expensive. You can literally stage your show inside a cardboard box, provided that the cardboard is imported from Luxembourg and took a team of twenty craftsmen over fourteen days to assemble it by hand.
When it's time for the show to begin, you can dim the lights. Or, you can be really subversive, and turn them brighter. "Did the lights just go up?" everyone will say, looking to see how Rob Kardashian reacts, but he will be too busy thanking the stars of Jane the Virgin for coming by so that he could attend the show without sending your celebrity points into the negative.
And then, when the lights can't get any brighter, you can cut them out. After a moment in the dark, cue the music. But this can't just be a playlist spun by that one Misshape who still DJs. These need to be live vocals, sung by the likes of Mark Calderon from Color Me Badd. And he needs to be performing the entirety of the New Jack City soundtrack. Then, just as you begin to wonder whether or not you selected "The '90s" in your statement of inspiration, a lone spotlight should illuminate the top of the runway. Imagine this: From the spotlight emerges famed dancer Savion Glover, performing a moving solo number inspired by structure and tailoring. And it's clear he RSVP'd +2, bringing both the noise and the funk with him.
Suddenly, Savion and Mark disappear, their soulful yearnings replaced by house music spun by that one Misshape who still DJs. In the middle of the runway, a hologram comes into focus, taking the iconic form of James Dean. "Americana," the hologram whispers, before distributing cigarettes to everyone in the crowd. "You can smoke in here," he adds. There isn't a dry eye in the house.
Do not wait for the tears to subside. Project a series of words onto the walls of the room. "FASHION," says one. "STYLE," reads another. "IF YOU DON'T INSTAGRAM THIS, NO ONE WILL KNOW YOU'RE HERE," says a third. And finally, on the ceiling, "P.S. NEW SILHOUETTES."
And then, a siren and a flash. And another flash, and another, before it becomes clear that both Tommy Ton and The Sartorialist are the latest to appear on the runway, photographing each and every audience member. "Don't forget to look for yourself on Style Dot Com," Tommy says, to explosive applause.
The stress on the free WiFi is too much and the audience makes a mad dash for the exit, hoping for better service outside. "Amazing show," they can be heard saying as they pass you by.
And that's it, my friends. Follow these rules and you will have staged the perfect fashion show, the best ever, going down in NYFW lore forever. And you won't even have to spend any money to create actual clothing.
Steve Dool is a writer based in New York City. Follow him on Twitter.
