The Best And Worst Dressed (And Most Heavily On Drugs) At The 87th Academy Awards

None

Scarlett Johansson

Scar Jo came with the Supreme leader haircut and even the same shade of paramilitary green.

Marion Cotillard

She never had a fucking shot at winning because her movie wasn't in English, but she is the only person allowed to pronounce "Dior Haute Couture" correctly on the red carpet. Also, she's the daughter of Ra's al Ghul, so don't fuck around.

Julianne Moore

Queen Julianne ended up winning for a stunning rendition of an Alzheimer's patient in a movie that no one has seen and she flexed hard with the "Karl Lagerfeld made this dress specifically for me" vibes. She's the best.

Kerry Washington

Are we tired of Kerry Washington yet? I sure am.

Ansel Elgort

This fucking guy. Still hanging around, huh? Well, we can use him as a talking point: Fam, we've reached peak navy tuxedo. Can we please move on to another color and ruin that shit next awards season?

Rosamund Pike

Coming off two relatively uninspired outfits, Rosumund fucking MURDERED IT literally with this get-up. A dignified British woman in a form-fitting dress turns me into a low-budget Austin Powers. Too bad she didn't murk NPH one more time to save him (and all of us) from bricking it so fucking hard as host.

Lupita Nyong'o

I'm inclined to say "Most Heavily on Drugs" just due to the fact that I can only imagine how tight it is to feel pearls all over your body when the molly finally hits. Lupita is really the only woman who could do this and look so great. Make a pearl necklace joke at your own risk.

Chris Pratt

Are you ready for your new Indiana Jones? He's already posing like him. Pratt is a fucking G and pretty much a normal bro and not, like, overly hunky aka non-threatening to dweebs like me. Try to model your life after him moving forward.

Anna Kendrick

She apparently only does musicals now, which is a huge boner killer. At least Anna still looks amazing. Her "Cups" runneth over. Have we already used that joke? Who cares? Talk about a banger.

Meryl Streep

Anna's musical compatriot this season looked a little too much like she was giving away her daughter to a man she does not approve of. Either way, Drake wrote "Legend" about her. True story.

Kevin Hart

K Hart presented an award with Anna Kendrick and what do you think the premise of the joke was? Him being short, of course. That's his lane and he refuses to deviate even if he's starting to gain some traction for being annoying as fuck and dressing like a complete dickhead. Talk about a multidimensional talent!

Jared Leto

LOOK AT GOD. You're not living until you're living for Leto.

Glom Gazingo

Travolta, as always, was also in the running for "Most Heavily on Drugs." Why all the face touching, homie? You gotta find the chill, you old gross boner. Last time I checked, you can't absorb people's phaetons or whatever through touch.

Lady Gaga

When you gotta go to the Oscars, but have to do the dishes right after the red carpet. Is there anyone more starving for attention. Yo Tony Bennett, come get your girl. She's drunk and thirstballing again.

Reese Witherspoon

You're sick of my Reese evangelism, of that I am sure. But you can't deny that she looks super, duper good. They say that horizontal stripes aren't the best idea, but neither is hiking 1,000 miles dolo. She made both of those things great.

Chris Pine

CP's going to get most of the attention for the shot of him crying after the "Glory" performance, desperately tryna cop that hood pas, but Pine loves his double breasted tuxes and he wears 'em well.

Emma Stone

Emma came dressed as if Julianne Moore had a baby with an Oscar statue and launched a thousand questions about who the most successful ginger in Hollywood truly is.

Will.I.Am

How did your local Footlocker employee get invited to the Academy Awards?

J.Lo

J. Lo is 45 years old. That is all.

Keira Knightley

Keira's been pregnant for awards season, so she's looked much more maternal than her usual high-elegance self. Shout out to her for bringing new, likely extremely attractive, British life into the world. The Pins loves you, girl.

Chrissy Teigen and John Stephens aka The Legends

True story: Lawrence's dog peed all over John Legend's apartment and John cleaned it up himself. #RelationshipGoals abound.

Steve and Nancy Carrell

However, Steve Carell retains the Cool Dad award from now until pretty much forever. RIP Michael Scott.

Neil Patrick Harris

NPH BOMBED as host. Like, she was fucking painful. But the luxe grey disco ball tux he wore to kick things off was a heater. I'll give him that.

Matthew McConaughey

McConaughey skipped the red carpet, but no one missed him in his shiny, reflective tuxedo. Regardless, still a fucking legend. Alright? Alright.

J.K. Simmons

Proper headgear enthusiasts will point to Simmons wearing an actual fedora. And I'll point you to a swagless old man with a non-ironic pocket watch chain on his waistcoat.

Anna Wintour

Anna Wintour without her sunglasses on is like when Cyclops takes off the visor: All hell breaks loose and you should be very scared.

Idris Elba

IDRIS ELBA IS ARLEADY BOND, JAMES BOND.