The city is the epicenter of style. There, bohemian trendsetters bump up against each other and create the styles that will soon sweep the nation. The residents of rural areas tend to stick to tried and true looks that never go out of style. The suburbs are where fashion goes to die. The land of McMansions and lawn ordinances is the refuge of last year's lamest trends, box store takes on boutique chic, and all that is bland.
Suburban comfort doesn't lend itself to a top shelf fashion game. Business casual 24/7 and department store blouses dominate this bleak landscape. Yet even in the suburban sea of fashion mediocrity, some looks stand out as particularly terrible. Hold onto your khakis because it's time to talk about The Most Unforgivable Suburban Fashion Sins.
Cargo Pants
Distressed Baseball Caps
Judging by their head wear, every suburban male over the age of eighteen secretly wants to be a deep sea fisherman. How else do you explain their need to wear fake sunbeaten pre-ripped hats that look like they've seen hundreds of tuna hauls and lived to tell the tale?
It's hard to tell who is to blame for this trend, whether it's the laid-back-ophilia of Jimmy Buffet and his Parrotheads...
...or the beach obsessed faux-Mexican beer market.
Whoever is to blame has at least created dozens of sweatshop jobs where poor children get to make garment look like they're worn and dirty. So, at least we can attribute some job creation to this fashion atrocity.
Sweatpants With Butt Text
Ombre Hair
Whenever I visit my hometown, I get my hair cut by an old high school classmate of mine. He always has amazing stories to tell about what local women expect from his salon. Last time I went to him, he told me that about a middle-aged woman who came in with a picture of Farrah Fawcett from the '70s, and asked for that same haircut.
As nicely as he could, he told the woman that he wouldn't allow his good name to be sullied by her bad haircut. Not only does no one get their hair cut like that anymore, he explained, but what looks great on celebrities doesn't always work for mere mortals. Ombre hair might just be the Farrah look for the white suburban mothers of this generation. Well-intentioned ladies go to the salon hoping to look like this:
And end up looking like this:
Some looks, sadly, are best left on the grocery store checkout line magazine stand.
Crocs
Gingham
Tucked-In Polo Shirts
Head-to-Toe Sports Fan Gear
Diagonal Striped Ties
Faux Vintage Corporate T-Shirts
Loose-Fitting Suits
Men's Wearhouse and Joseph A. Banks are the twin horsemen of the suburban fashion apocalypse. If you've ever been in a suburban wedding party, you're nodding your head in silent, sorrowful agreement. You remember it like it was yesterday. You join the other groomsmen on the pilgrimage to some strip mall to get your suit fitted by a nineteen year-old dude with spiky hair named Tre. Tre means well, but he puts you in a suit that would make a potato sack look form-fitting. You gently mention that you would like if you didn't look like an 11 year-old who borrowed his dad's suit for church. Tre says, "Oh, you want to look European?" He returns with pants a half-size smaller, and rather than put off much needed catch up drinks at T.G.I. Fridays, you settle for the terrible suit.
I ask the people in charge of these corporations, how are we supposed to bed bridesmaids wearing suits only slightly less comical than a vintage David Byrne suit?
Mandals
Men from all walks of life are guilty of mandal sins. The first warmish day in any region of America will bring out the gnarly feet of gentlemen from all walks of life.
In the suburbs, however, mandals are legion. When you walk into a bar and a dude is sitting on a stool playing acoustic Dave Matthews Band covers: mandals. When you drive past a group of community college freshmen hanging on their stoop smoking weed: mandals. When the young hip church pastor is "kicking it" at the church ice cream social: mandals.
There is nothing that can be done to stem the tide of suburban mandal abuse. This problem is an epidemic. That being said, it would be criminal for us to stand idly by as the situation gets worse and worse. It is in the spirit of making the world a better place that we present these 5 Com-mandal-ments:
I. Thou shalt take some care of your feet if you show them in public.
II. Thou shalt not wear mandals with jeans.
III. When possible, thou shalt wear shorts with mandals.
IV. Thou shalt never been seen wearing mandals that look like this unless you are on a camping trip.
V. When someone with a sense of style tells you that your mandals look terrible, thou shalt heed their words. The offending mandals must be disposed of immediately.
Remember, there is a chance that you too will someday call the suburbs home. When that day comes, you can be the change you want to see in the fashion world.
