The United States vs. France: A Head-to-Head Style Battle of International Swaglords

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Matchup: Jared Leto vs. David Guetta

Every dad's worst nightmare is to have a guy who looks like Jared Leto show up to the crib in a white tux on prom night and ask, "Uh, *nervously scratches head* is your daughter home?"

That said, David Guetta looks like the heavy in a Jason Statham movie. I don't know if this guy's about to drop a beat or sell an airplane hangar's worth of stolen Soviet warheads to Hamas.

In a competition between "sketchy boyfriend" and "illegal arms dealer," there are no winners.

Winner: Draw (0-0, Tie)

Matchup: U.S. Navy vs. French Navy

Well, it doesn't take Yves Saint Laurent to see that the French win this one in a landslide. Yes, everyone in the world would rather have the guy on the left manning a radar-guided Gatling gun, but the dude on the right instantly turns any amphibious warfare vessel into a nuclear-powered runway. Since this is a head-to-head style battle and not a speculative war game, chalk one up for France.

Winner: France (1-0, France)

Matchup: Hulk Hogan vs. Andre the Giant

Andre the Giant is a legend (RIP *praying hands emoji*), but there's no place for this bullshit French minimalism in professional wrestling. When he wasn't wearing lycra underpants, Andre Rousimoff hit the ring in black singlet that—for whatever reason—had a bikini brief cut. So, during especially spirited double underhook suplexes, fans in the first four rows were treated to an exclusive look at his inner thigh chafing and taint hair. 

Despite having George Costanza-like male pattern baldness, Hulk Hogan grew his mane to shoulder-length and bleached his Fu Manchu the color of Heather Locklear's landing strip. In sum, the guy had more swag from the collar-line up than ATG had in his whole 500+ pound body.

This one is a military press slam for the red, white, and blue.

Winner: USA (1-1, Tie)

Matchup: Tom Cruise vs. Vincent Cassel

These guys are wearing basically the same shirt. But, on the right, Vicent Cassel looks like he's debating on which vintage Château Cheval Blanc to pull from his wine cellar, while Tom Cruise looks like it's his first day as an adjunct professor in Haverford College's gender studies program. How one pulls off a turtleneck sweater is really what separates the exalted swaglord from the red carpet fuccboi.

Chalk one up for La Resistance.

Winner: France (2-1, France)

Matchup: George Washington vs. Napoleon Bonaparte

Obviously, America's off to a rough start here, and even George Washington's horse knows he's being stunted on.

First, Napoleon Bonaparte's lid looks like it was edged with gold bullion, while GW looks like he's wearing a Kangol flat cap he borrowed from LL Cool J. Second, Napleon's pointing to the summit of Booty Mountain like a G, while Washington looks like he's trying to locate a TV remote without taking his eyes off of NFL Red Zone. Napoleon's horse has the hair of a young Samantha Fox, while George's steed looks it dusted off Andre Agassi's mullet wig from the 1990 French Open.

We could keep going, but you get the idea.

Winner: France (3-1, France)

Matchup: Paul George vs. Tony Parker

Wow. Someone in the Spurs organization really dropped the ball by letting Tony Parker talk to the media without a camouflage bow tie, lenseless reading glasses, and sternum strap backpack. Doesn't this nerd know that the postgame presser is a time to show out?

Paul George gets it. He's wearing a shirt that looks like human embryonic stem cells under a microscope and it's dope as fuck. Get Mr. Longoria's American Airlines pilot swag TFOH. 

Winner: USA (3-2, France)

Matchup: Lieutenant Commander Geordi La Forge vs. Daft Punk

Were it not for Worf's gracefully dramatic eyebrows, Geordi La Forge would be the crispiest life form within 1,000 light years of Ceti Alpha V (S/O to the virgins who get that reference). Daft Punk, on the other hand, dress like New Year's Eve bartenders from a Halo-themed nightclub bankrolled by Steve Wynn.

Additionally, La Forge's steez is as pragmatic as it is stylish because that badass face shield gives the Lieutenant Commander—a blind man—the sense of sight. Can those chromed out beekeeping helmets on the right scan the electromagnetic spectrum and deliver images to the brain? Exactly. Set phasers to stunt!

Winner: USA (3-3, Tie)

Matchup: Jay Z vs. Jean Touitou

Jean Touitou's scarf is like the spire atop Freedom Tower: There's no practical purpose, but it sends a very powerful message. Here's a man who can make a seamless transition from the driver's seat of a Carrera GT to the chef's table at L'Arpege. Hov, on the other hand, is looking at the camera like he lost a bet, which is all you really need to know about this slide. 

Winner: France (4-3, France)

Matchup: Joe Montana vs. French Montana

The next wave(s) in streetwear will be shoulder pads and cleats (you heard it here first), which is a movement Joe Montana's been on since the late 1960s. Nothing against French Montana; he's killing it per usual. But, the CEO of Cocaine City Records would benefit from taping his ankles and rocking a cowboy collar during his next dinner date with Khloe.

Winner: USA (4-4, Tie)

Matchup: Cary Grant vs. Alain Delon

It's tough to flex on a Frenchman with a cigarette for the some reason it's impossible to out-butt chug the Pi Kappa Alphas at UT: they pretty much invented the game (Go Vols!). That said, Cary Grant came to play with this handcrafted smoking pipe and emerald three-piece. Either way, these are the types of looks that will get you pre-approved for a home loan and increase your Tinder matches by a factor of 10. *Flips con* Point, France. SMH.

Winner: France (5-4, France)