Mindless fighting is part of our culture here in the United States. It's as American as apple pie or being shitty to Native Americans. From coked out pro wrestlers like Macho Man Randy Savage, to coked out boxers like Mike Tyson, to coked out Civil War generals like Ulysses S. Grant, Americans have never been able to turn away the chance to see a dude's face broken in half—not deep down in their heart of hearts, at least.

Luckily, I have good news on this front. Remember that movie Road House? You know, the one where Patrick Swayze plays the toughest bouncer in the country and he spends whole movie beating the shit out of dudes and ripping their throats out? Well, by following these 20 simple steps, you won't be able to do any of that shit, but you will know the basic principles of starting and finishing a fight, which, if it isn't obvious enough already, is the best way to resolve any and all conflicts. I mean, what else are you supposed to do? Use your fucking words? LOL that super lame.

Matt Rimer is a writer living in Boston. Follow him on Twitter here.