Is Soccer Tight?

Image via Complex Original

Gambling

Anyone who asks, "Why won't soccer catch on in America?" is being naive: It's gambling. In Europe and many other places, you can bet on games. Here in the US, where we hate fun, you can’t. Sure, you can go to Vegas, and addicts like myself may be familiar with certain foreign-hosted online bookies, but the general public is not getting the thrill of needing Clint Dempsey to score in order win a ridiculous prop bet. Money controls every other element of drama in our lives, so why can’t we let it ruin our finances while we watch guys kick a ball around a rectangle of grass?

Advantage: Soccer is tight. The American legal system is not.

Haircuts

Dudes who look like the Hitler Youth and/or American Idol contestants from 2028 are easy targets for our misplaced insecurities about soccer. But let's be real, you're just mad that fucking Toby Alderweireld has your girl liking soccer more than I like sweeping generalizations.

Advantage: Draw.

Flopping

All soccer fans love to yell about the ridiculous flops in soccer. But flopping is simply taking advantage of a system that rewards exaggerating fouls. It happens in basketball and we yell all the same, soccer players have just been exploiting the loophole longer and more effectively. Sure, it looks stupid to see a guy take a bump then fly back like he just got Kimbo Slice'd, but I can't be mad at strategy.

Advantage: Soccer is tight.

Sponsored Jerseys

This may be a personal one because I know in less than five years NBA teams will have Microsoft and Pepsi scrawled across their jerseys, but I really cannot get behind soccer's embrace of sponsorships. Sure, maybe this doesn't apply to World Cup national team jerseys, but still, I have never supported fans paying for and wearing jerseys with the name of some ignorant corporation across the chest, and I will blame soccer if and when this trend extends to the sacred temple of American sports, where it's about the pureness of the game and not the money! LOL.

Advantage: Soccer is not tight.

The Speed Of The Game/No Commercials

The lack of commercials, along with the fact that, holy shit, the game is basically only two hours long, allowing you to go to the bar during your lunch hour, get slammered and still get back to work before the boss notices you were gone, is really hooking us youngs. If you've attended and NBA or NFL game and had to sit through some junior dance team performance because there are built-in fucking commercial timeouts, you can get behind soccer's non-stop entertainment strategy. The constant action balances out the constant inaction of dudes just passing a ball back and forth and not just fucking shooting like everyone wants.

Advantage: Soccer is tight.

Douchey Non-World Cup Turbo Soccer Fans

You know the guy, he calls the soccer field "the pitch" and he tries to talk strategy at the bar. He is definitely white and he has "been watching EPL for years." He supports Chelsea. His knowledge of soccer makes him superior to you, as he makes abundantly clear while ordering another Carlsberg with his dad's credit card. He talks about the refinement of the game and the subtleties of Belgium's offense. The colonial implications of European powers facing off against African nations gives him a boner, which is particularly fucked up.

Advantage: Soccer is not tight.

A Sport Of The People

The glory of soccer is its universality. All you need is a ball and/or a severed head and you can play. Goals can be made from a variety of street-side objects. In the US, if you're not 6-foot-2, 250 by 7th grade, you can pretty much be sure you wont be a professional athlete. In soccer, dudes smaller than you or I can be the best and that gives us hope. Amazon will have my shinguards delivered by tomorrow.

Advantage: Soccer is tight.

The Communists

Speaking of "the people," listen to this fucked up shit? One time I was playing soccer with some kids and my friend Louie's dad rolled up and said, "I told you I didn’t want you playing that Communist sport." This was in bumfuck Washington, but still, it was an example of how soccer can be a symbol for ignorant Americans' xenophobic fears about the rest of the world. Anything that can unite every other continent must be some kind of threat to our superiority. I'm all for scaring the normals, so this one goes to soccer.

Advantage: Soccer is tight.

Badassness

If you're in a country where the other dominant sport is cricket, soccer probably seems pretty exciting. Here in Tha Statez, we take our dudes playing with balls very seriously. Have you seen LeBron James? He's as big as, like, 9 Messi's. And don't get me started about the heavenly doctrine of Real Football. In the context of watchability vs. other American sports, soccer is still hovering above baseball, but slightly below hockey, which is the cousin of soccer in the "Oh, my team is down 2-0? The game is over. I'm going for a walk" department, but without fights.

Advantage: America.

The Final Verdict

In a quintessentially soccer result, it's a fucking draw. Nobody wins. Soccer is pretty cool, but we can see it's limitations.

But this is America, where we need a definitive answer and where we favor a shootout over a 1-0 win, so I'll just say it, man, soccer is in fact tight. I like it. I might even start watching it seriously. But I promise never to call the field a "pitch."