If you're some Theodore Twombly looking motherfucker, then you've come to the right place. There's a war out there and I'm here to be your personal guide through the terror. If you want to survive the summer in lame ass America then shut the fuck up and do as I say. Trust me, I know what I'm talking about. I’m from Cape Cod. I've seen some shit.

Get ready to bust out your boat shoes and chug some Bud Light Lime! Before you know it, you'll be doing whatever the swagless equivalent of doing PCP with Denzel Washington in a police cruiser is. Your mind is gonna be blown so bad, people will call you Oberyn Martell (Game of Thrones joke). Keep up, champ.

Matt Rimer is a writer living in Boston. Follow him on Twitter here.