Today, I woke up naked on my basement floor staring at a wall made up of pieces of information—clippings, papers, print-outs—connected by yarn and thumbtacks, manically defaced with red magic marker. I've been huffing spray paint fumes out of a dirty tube sock to stay awake. No time for sleep. The more I pull the thread, the more this sweater unravels. What's underneath? I wish I didn't know. Everything is fucked, man. This shit goes all the way to the top.
Let me start from the beginning. It's Monday, May 12th 2014. I'm sitting on my couch watching The Last Castle. All of a sudden, I think to myself, "Gee, Mark Ruffalo sure does look a lot like that director, Zack Snyder." I'm curious. I Google Image search and compare photographs of the two men. It's an uncanny resemblance. It's almost impossible to tell them apart.
I check out both their Wikipedia pages. That's when I realize that something is horribly, terribly wrong. Both men were born in Wisconsin: Snyder in Greenbay on March 1, 1966; Ruffalo in Kenosha just one year later on November 22, 1967. Both were raised by women of similar names: Snyder's mother "Marsha" and Ruffalo's "Marie." Both moved to Los Angeles immediately after graduating from high school to pursue an education in the arts. Eventually, both went on to make ensemble superhero movies. The more and more I compare details of their lives, the more similarities I find.
And that's when it hits me: SNYDER IS RUFFALO. RUFFALO IS SNYDER. Finkle is Einhorn. They're the same person. It all makes too much sense. I wonder how I could have ever missed this before.
After hours of research, I stop. I'm scared. Scared of what might happen to me if I stick my nose where it doesn't belong. Scared of what will happen if I ask the wrong questions. But I have to make a decision. Do I take the blue pill and return to my 9-to-5, pushing papers and being a domestic cog in the machine? Or do I take the red pill and venture further down the rabbit hole?
I decide to dig deeper.
And what I find is, quite frankly, terrifying. In the 2012 film The Avengers, Mark Ruffalo plays Bruce Banner, a man that has the ability to transform into a gigantic monster that wreaks havoc and destroys anything he comes into contact with. In real life, Zack Snyder is a gigantic monster that wreaks havoc and destroys anything he comes into contact with. I mean, have you seen Sucker Punch? Hot Garbage City, USA.
I run the math to see where the breadcrumbs lead :
Zack Snyder ----> Snyder Pretzels ----> Mark Ruffalo is fat
Zack Snyder ----> Directed Watchmen ----> Dr. Manhattan ----> Blue penis ----> Mark Ruffalo is a chode
Zack Snyder ----> Directed 300 ----> Mark Ruffalo probably weighs 300 pounds
How could I have ever been so blind? Round and round the carousel we go. Where it stops, nobody knows.
In 2010, Ruffalo played a supporting role in Martin Scorsese's Shutter Island. The film involves a detective who is investigating the disappearance of a patient at a remote mental institution. By movie's end, he finds out that—SPOILER ALERT—he was that missing mental patient all along. Perhaps Ruffalo has been searching for Snyder his whole life, hoping to team up with him to make a movie, only to find out that he is Snyder.
Sounds an awful lot like Fight Club, right? Fight Club was helmed by acclaimed director, David Fincher. Fincher is also the creator of the popular Netflix show, House of Cards. One of the most important figures in the show is a character named Doug Stamper. Stamper plays chief of staff to the Vice President. He covers up his superior's harmful lies and secrets, terrible misdeeds like bribery and murder. His character is played by Michael Kelly, an actor that has worked with both Snyder and Ruffalo (Dawn of The Dead and Now You See Me, respectively). What is Kelly trying to tell us? Did he discover the foul truth of Ruffalo/Snyder? Is he trying to let us all know before it's too late? Further research reveals that—SPOILER ALERT—Kelly has been murdered! On the show, that is. He was killed off on the show.
It seems like the whole world is falling down around me. If I don't make it out alive, let this article be a record of my attempt to bring down the powers that be and expose the truth once and for all. Hear my words, America. Mark Ruffalo and Zack Snyder are the same person. And so is Vincent D'Onofrio if Ruffalo gets any fatter.
Everything is a lie. Trust nobody. Solange was just a patsy. It's all connected.
Matt Rimer is a writer living in Boston. Follow him on Twitter here.