The Ridiculous Behaviors of Style-Obsessed Guys That Don't Translate to Anything Else in Life

Image via Complex Original

The commitment to ungodly hours is two-fold. You're either up late at night browsing until you're drowsing and/or you're waking up with the roosters to be among the first wave clamoring for an early morning online drop that will probably be sold out by 8 a.m. There's no such thing as a solid 8 hours when there's cops to be made.

Wake up. First thing's first: check the weather app for today's hourly report. Double-check, actually, because you have official NOAA app in addition to a few others. Why? Because even a chance of rain completely re-determines the day ahead's alphet. If the weather streets say 30% or higher, there's no chance you'll be caught giving Mother Nature the opportunity to soak your least water-friendly gear.

Behold, the shopping diet. Not the one you take to keep from going bankrupt on new pickups. But rather, when you tighten up everywhere else so you can spend it all on that new jacket/those new jeans etc. You're not a vegetarian but it's straight Cup Noodles for breakfast, lunch, anddinner. And while you think you're saving money, turns out that the heart medication required by consuming 50,000 percent of your recommended daily sodium intake will cost you more in the long run.

Your gift is cooler than talking to dead people: you can weed out the real from the fake within mere milliseconds. In fact, you only go through Canal St. when you're dropping by #BEEN TRILL#, otherwise you'll collapse from knockoff sensory overload.

It doesn't seem likely in the natural course of evolution, but there's always that guy who's a walking locator app tailored for...tailors. In fact, he should look into creating one. He's got the best suit whisperers pinpointed and already on deck to hook him up at a moment's notice in the neighborhoods by his crib, job, girl's place, parent's place, favorite restaurant. Kind of like how normal people memorize which area has the best hospital, except pretty much worthless unless you're looking for a dope taper.

In school, you could give two shits about learning foreign vocab and finessing verb tenses. But once you exhausted your immediate resources for copping new gear, you knew it was time to enter super rare territory by literally spending hours in the name of communicating with a new region's worth of clothing dealers. Whether Korean, French, Japanese, or Dutch, you studied harder than anything in your life just so you can stay one step ahead of your peers in the realm or rarity.

Going about your day whilst being fresh to death is a tragedy waiting to happen at every turn. Thankfully you stay stylistically woke. The fashion-prioritized guy can be all coke boy fitted for a day, rush through jam-packed streets with a cup of coffee, have pizza for lunch, some red wine out at dinner with bae (and ice cream for dessert) and make it home with nary a Tide-needing spot on him. The art of optimum posture and avoidance is lowkey the first thing dudes who commit to wearing racks worth racks evryday must master.

Doing it for the 'Gram isn't just about location + the ootd. It's about poise and posture too and it's the full 360 degree, well-rounded lord who knows how to properly post up in any pic. With an ill classic tobacco style accessory, you could lay claim to being the swag heir to James Dean. Or a Newport ad exec's dream commercial star.

Monday morning, 6:30 a.m. You immediately peep to see what news Supreme is coming with this week. You make your plans, get your financials in order, and wait for three days. 10:50 a.m, Thursday. The nervous tingle sets in. Your mouse hand twitches. All immediate business and possible interruptions are handled: bathroom visits, meetings, phone calls. 11 a.m. is approaching. Your cart and credit card have a date with Supreme set for 11:02.

Waking up or staying up for an online drop is light work. When the occasion calls for an IRL purchase that you and a thousand other people are simply dying to have, it's time to post up in line. And the testament of one's true swagger faith is tested when it's not fair weather. If it's brick outside, or sweltering hot, or monsooning and you're there with the slicker, still holding down your spot then congratulations. You are really, truly about this life.