You #menswear people are pretty harmless right? Wrong. You are a ruthless, dangerous, systematically militarized group of people that will stop at nothing to destroy what we in this nation hold dear, like manliness, not giving a shit about clothes and hating women. I'm, like, 75% sure on all this. Here, you will find 20 surefire, scientific facts that will prove all people involved in men's fashion are totally terrorists and I'm definitely not hyperbolizing anything.
DEATH TO POCKET SQUARES!
I'm pretty sure the FBI is monitoring my computer after all the "research" I did for this feature. Who knows what exciting things they're going to find? They're probably going to be really disappointed when they find out that all of my Internet sessions solely consist of me Google searching my own name.
P.S. I'm not making light of those who have been victims of terrorism across the globe. Those are terrible tragedies, but, the truth is, #menswear seems to get more and more cult-like and extremist by the day. You've been warned.
Matt Rimer is a writer living in Boston. Follow him on Twitter here.
1. menswearterrorismlead
2. guns
Guns Are Totally Hot Right Now
It seems like every other photo I see from some fashion week showcases some doe-eyed male model enthusiastically waving around a trendy gold-plated, diamond-encrusted AK like an impressionable Saudi Arabian prince who has a James Franco Poster hanging in his bedroom and just saw Spring Breakers for the first time. Is this a bizarre trend, or a calculated move on the part of Versace and Gucci to each assemble an army of menswear enthusiasts in order to wage war with each other?
3. masks
They Wear Masks
Between influencers like Kanye West running around blind as a fucking bat on stage during his Yeezus Tour and Pussy Riot doing whatever the fuck it is that they do, masks. "But they're just this year's style," you say. Yeah, it's all fun and games until an army of fashion dudes marches down Madison Avenue ready to light the Barneys on fire.
4. children
5. seesomethingsaysomething
6. beards
7. blindfaith
8. camo
9. supremebeing
10. VHS
They Use Outdated VHS Technology
Although VHS was a recording medium that went out in the late '90s along with payphones and Legends of The Hidden Temple (Still waiting on the Kirk Fog comeback), some people still feel the inclination to use it to spread their message. Those people are exclusively terrorists and #menswear people. I suppose video does provide a grainy, nostalgic texture to a group's trendy jean commercial and/or threat of immeasurable violence that you just can't get with a digital recording. Seems like a lot of hassle to convert it if I'm being honest.
11. americanflag
12. feartacics
13. marchinline
14. seedylivingquarters
15. spookyfonts
16. osamanick
17. magazines
They're Heavily Featured In Magazines
Time is more or less the GQ of international terrorists. Likewise, GQ regularly gives an inside exposé into some of menswear's most deadly personalities. Now I know about fashion designer/green Power Ranger Rick Owens and his agenda to destroy America.
18. shadyscarves
19. shoes
They Have An Affinity For Shoes
Taking off your shoes at the airport sucks. It sucks even more when you have to watch your Lebron XI's get a cavity search by a guy who looks like Carl Winslow from Family Matters."He's gonna scuff them up. I know he is," you say to yourself as you sweat more than a terrorist would in a similar situation.
20. viralmarketing
21. deaththreat
