The "Regular Guy" Rules Of Fashion

Image via Complex Original

Use The Right Knot When Tying Your Tie

Nobody actually knows how to properly tie a tie. It's an unsolvable illuminati Da Vinci Code 9/11 Mountain Dew Code Red conspiracy. Instead, you'll have to improvise. I recommend a bowline. This maritime knot, typically used for securing a boat to a dock, is actually a perfectly reasonable substitute and knot—get it?!—pathetic and humiliating in any way.

Now that you know this trick, you can confidently say, "King Kong ain’t got shit on me, attendees of grandma’s funeral!"

Overcompensate For Your Small Penis With A Big Ass Wallet

Don't get caught carrying around your credit card in something sleek and sexy. You're not fucking Timothy Dalton. Instead, turn your wallet into a brick so bad that it'll give you Hank Hill ass after an hour of sitting down. Carrying around a couple hundos or a few twenties is the smart way to go, right? Wrong. Real men of the world fill their wallets with, like, sixty dollars in unsorted ones and fives. Other items that you should keep in your wallet include, but are not limited to: a condom from 2006, a gift card to Benihana that still has two bucks and change on it and a business card from that guy who wants you to be on the ground floor of a surefire investment that totally isn't a pyramid scheme.

A Good T-Shirt Can Last A Lifetime

If you're anything like me, you buy new T-shirts all the time, but you always end up running back to those old reliables. Maybe you've got a few that you've been hanging on to for some time, but above the rest is that one bottom bitch tee that knows how to touch you in all the right places. You've had it since Clinton was ripping the sax and getting hummers from fat chicks in the Oval Office. It's been through thick and thin. Under no circumstances should you ever throw out your good tee.

No Sleeves > Sleeves

Don't let the man control your life by tricking you into wearing sleeves. Sleeves are essentially concentration camps for your arms. Literally no exaggeration whatsoever. My grandfather didn’t fight Hitler in WWII so people could come in and tell him when he could or couldn't wear sleeves. If you want to show off your arm cannons/bingo wings in your sleeveless Macho Man Randy Savage when you go in for a job interview. then you absolutely should. This is America after all.

Don't Underestimate The Junk Vice Grip Of Your Pants

If your package is getting mashed and mangled when you try a pair of pants on in the dressing room, your package is going to be mashed and mangled every time you wear them. I hope you're all writing this down in your notebooks.

#GQ Mercilessly

Whenever you pair a button up shirt with a pair of shades in preparation for hitting up a bar or club, make sure you blast Twitter and Instagram with your clearly GQ-worthy selfie that doesn't in any way scream, "I just spent my last $200 on a stretch hummer in order to impress a ratchet ass girl enough to fingerblast her in the bathroom."

Don't Spend Too Much On Hoodies

We all like hoodies, but you know who likes hoodies more than us? The chick (or dude—I didn't forget about my gay amigos) that you slept with last night. I mean, you could ask for it back, but that would require calling her and weathering a second meet up and that whole situation just sounds like a fucking nightmare. Cut your losses and buy a new one.

Wear A Hat To Cover Up The Fact That You Haven't Showered

If you are a disgusting child like I know you are, then there's a good chance that every once in a while you don't have time to take a shower before you start your day. The good news is you can hide your greasy George McFly hair so that no one can call you out on it. All it takes is an ugly hat. Just venture into your local hell on earth/Lids and buy the first hat you see before you muster the courage to commit suicide.

Button All Of The Buttons On Your Suit

Listen, why would the people who make suits that include three buttons if you're only supposed to button two? Riddle me that, #menswear. Seriously, don't be a chump. Button all them shits. Buttoning only a fraction of your buttons is like playing with fire. Someone's bound to get burned (my pride).

Wear All White So You Look Like A Pimp

You'll def. look cool and not like Andy Roddick, I promise.

Keep Some Shitty Clothes Around In Case Of Emergency

Just because you'll never wear your LeBron Cavs jersey ever again doesn't mean you should light it on fire in a riot. A shirt like this is perfect to wear if you're painting a house or painting a LeBron effigy to hang from a noose from the Quicken Loans Arena. Or maybe you want to throw around the ol' pigskin with your buddies because you've given up basketball after being betrayed by a pompous man-child who can only win a championship by assembling a justice league of the league's best ballers and Chris Bosh. The point is, you never know when your shitty clothes might come in handy.

Never Wear A Pocket Square

Hey, I've got nothing against pocket squares. But pocket squares take up pocket space and you need to save all the pocket space you can, so you have someplace to hide your drugs. I mean, sure, you've got the inside pockets, but that's already jam-packed with drugs as it is. Also, I think you're vastly underestimating your drug habit, man. You may want to seek help.

Never Use An Iron

It's a known fact that 100% of fires in the United States start with irons. If you try to iron your clothes you WILL burn your house down.

Don't throw out your fire-starting death machine just yet though. You may want to make a grilled cheese in prison at some point.

Always Keep A Bill Belichick Hoodie Around

Coach, strategist, mentor, fashion icon: Bill Belichick is the opposite of my ex-girlfriend, bringing life into to whatever he encounters. His signature short sleeve, oversized hoodie is great for looking fly when you work out once a month, as well as when you're pretending to be Bill Belichick when you jerk off. Even Kanye got the memo.

Jorts Or Death

Jorts have all the versatility of jeans while embodying that chic "fat kid in winter" look. They're the best of both worlds. If you're wearing a pair of shorts made out of any non-denim fabric, get out of my life because you're dead to me. And don't bother giving me an ultimatum because I’ll choose jorts over you any day. Swear to god.

Of Course You Can Wear Black And Brown, You Racist

Bonus tip: Calling someone "racist" wins every argument.