One day, maybe some of you out there will get married. Maybe one or two of you have already totally bricked it by tying the knot, but for the rest of us, saying "I do" is still a far off, terrifying fantasy. Even scarier than spending the rest of your life with the same person is the idea that you will be far too busy chatting up your new in-laws and getting shithoused to remember to send out a couple tweets and pop some 'Grams. Luckily, there's now a service that will provide such social media contents and engagement that your wedding will now appear to be a super exclusive #influencer event a la #NYFW or #YeezusListeningParty. Everyone occupying the edges of your life who aren't there will be hella slumped off that FOMO, particularly pissed that they didn't cop an invite and not out here flourishing via the open bar (from 8 to 10pm) and foie gras crostino. Then again, fuck 'em!
This service, available for just $3,000, is especially tempting if you're some epic strug lord trying his best to scrape a shred of relevancy out of a paltry 212 Twitter and 145 Instagram followers. With the help of a true pro, you will get a "curated hashtag" (ex: #BenxSusieWedding2014), not to mention an entire blog dedicated to your special day. I wonder if you can control the filters your consierge uses, although, if you're going to pony up the dough, you should have faith that the person behind the wheel isn't going to blow it with fucking Brannan or some shit. Ultimately, this service will guarantee your bespoke Eidos tux will be paid off in social currency, and, most importantly, your alphet will be immortalized for generations to come, assuming anyone gives a fuck about Twitter and Instagram by the time you have kids.