The Four Pins Guide To Lying About Your Clothing Addiction

Image via Complex Original

Get Rid Of The Evidence

The first step in hiding any addiction is to hide the evidence. If you don't want people to know you smoke crack, you gotta get rid of the crack pipe and whatever container your crack of choice comes in. The same goes for shopping. I don't care how amazing the hand printed hang tags are or how nice the bag is, all that shit, especially the receipt, needs to go straight into the garbage. And obviously not the garbage in your house. You gotta dead that shit on the way home. But make an exception for nice tissue paper. Don't be insane, you can reuse that tissue paper for wrapping gifts during the holidays. While destroying the evidence of a recent purchase won't hide the new garment from anyone, it helps in concocting the web of lies necessary for you to pull off buying that new pair of sneakers without the judgment of your family and friends harshing your shopper's high.

Say You Got It On Sale

Since you've disposed of any evidence that indicated the amount of money you actually paid, just say you got that new hoodie with 25 zippers on sale. "Sale" is one four letter word that everyone likes to hear, especially your mom. Also, everyone on the planet understands a "deal too good to pass up." You can say things like, "Junya is normally at least $1,900 for a jacket, I got this for half off." Yeah, half off your integrity, you lying son of a bitch.

Flex Your #Influencer Status

Tell people that the label sent it to you because you are an #influencer. Obviously, you have to tailor this lie to your social media stature. If you're floating into my timeline with less than 500 followers, you aren't going to convince anyone that Sophnet sent you that shirt for free. #Influencer gifts need to be small, but expensive, like fancy chopsticks, unnecessary incenses and maybe a pair of shoes. But only shoes if your Klout score is above 65.

Tell People You Got It Via Your Boy's Employee Discount

"Oh, my homie over at Barneys hooked it up with his employee discount."

Before the internet, this baldface lie could only work in, like, three cities in all of the United States. OH, YOUR BOY WHO WORKS AT THE WALKING CO. GETS A 30% DISCOUNT ON MARGIELA TOO? But thanks to technology, it is actually possible to have friends that work in cool stores in New York and LA. ANY LIE IS NOW AT LEAST PLAUSIBLE THANKS TO YOU INTERNET. HAPPY BIRTHDAY, BOO.

Say You Sold Something On EBay First

Just tell everyone that you fllipped something on eBay or one of the nerd forums to pay for your new jawn. GRANTED, THIS ACTUALLY ISN'T A GOOD THING. YOU SHOULD'VE JUST KEPT THE MONEY YOU MADE SELLING A JACKET YOU DIDN'T NEED FOR THINGS LIKE FOOD AND RENT.

Say You Bought It At A Super Exclusive Sample Sale

Tell everyone that thanks to your Insider Status you got invited to a private sample/friends and family sale. Be forewarned though, this is a very NYC centric maneuver. Everybody knows El Paso ain't got a weird storefront off Bleecker that sells discount Dick Ovens twice a year.

Lie

At the end of the day, straight lying works. Instead of calling it lying, just call it denial. Practice being extremely indignant. Like, vegan indignant. That way you can look absolutely disgusted when your girlfriend asks you where you got that new shirt.

Put Shit In Storage

Get a storage unit and hide everything there like Walter White. It's terrible that things have gotten to this point, but there's just no going back. You've spent too much time, money and effort amassing that Scrooge McDuck pile of cashmere, leather and cotton. You can't go back now. It's too late. You're in too deep.

Say You Got It At A Thrift Store

When asked where you got something, just say it's an archive or vintage piece that you "found" for a steal online or at a consignment shop. Again, invoke the

"too good to pass up" rationalization.

Keep Things On Ice

Just hold onto your new purchase for a while before breaking it out. Now, this normally goes against everything we stand for here at Four Pins. The whole point of buying new gear is to IMMEDIATELY stunt on these h8ers. Normally, I don't even wait for the actual item to reach me. I just send screencaps of my checkout screen to Woolf and Schlossman, captioned: "U mad?" But sometimes you gotta bite the bullet and just surreptitiously insert another pair of sneakers into your ridiculous collection. No one can tell the difference between the off white and coke white AF1s, so you're golden.

Mask Purchases In Birthdays And Holidays

Camouflage the purchase with holidays and birthdays. "Oh, my parents got me this." Or, "I used my Hanukkah money to buy these." Just remember, it's weird if your parents somehow know that you really wanted a shirt from anachronorm. And you can only count on getting oodles of cash for so long. Plus, everyone knows you don't get that much cash in the end because at least one or two aunts and uncles brick it by giving you something thoughtful like a Best Buy gift card. WHO THE FUCK STILL GOES TO BEST BUY?!

Rationalize

Rationalize. Then rationalize some more. I mean, they only made, like, 720 pairs of those sneakers and they aren't going to make any more after the first run. THEY NEVER RE-RELEASE SNEAKERS. YOU BASICALLY HAD ZERO CHOICE IN THIS MATTER. When is the next time you’re going to be in NYC or Tokyo, ya know? This is the only time you get to try it on and make sure it really fits. And with the cost of shipping and everything, there's really no difference in buying it in the store as opposed to waiting to find it on the Internet for cheaper. What's the point of a vacation if you can't cop yourself a souvenir? Sure, most people buy a monograph from the MOMA or a snow globe or something, but I'll always remember our time together in NYC when I look at this Tim Coppens jacket.