The Best And Worst Dressed (And Most Heavily On Drugs) At The 86th Annual Academy Awards

The Oscars, an annual ceremony in which 90-year-old white dudes bestow awards to movies about gay and black people in order to feel good about themselves and further the illusion of cultural progress, took place last night. The show was, well, as boring as I just made it sound. Ellen brought the middle-of-the-road pleasant corniness you knew she would. Pink and Bette Midler performed. Shit was so boring I read The Two Towers during the acceptance speeches, but, to put things in perspective, there aren't many things more exciting than Sam and Frodo verbally sexting across the Dead Marshes for 50 pages. By now you know who dresses well and who doesn’t. There weren’t a lot of surprises here. The best part of Oscar night is seeing the jokes on Twitter and getting drunk enough to be honest about which 60+ actresses you would let gum you off.

And yet, the Oscars still captivate like no other award show can. We need that yearly reminder that movies are still important even though Oscar winners are more often seen on TV shows these days than in theaters. We need that reminder that Hermione grew up to be top 5 dead or alive. We need something to talk about after the Super Bowl and before the NBA playoffs. So, won't you join me in toasting the end—thank fuck—of award season?

Angelo Spagnolo is a writer living in Portland, Oregon. Read his blog here and follow him on Twitter here.

Lupita

I resisted writing about Lupita after the Golden Globes because everyone was writing about Lupita after the Golden Globes. She was fresh and unsullied then, but it can be avoided no longer. Is this the most perfect human being we have on our planet? She’s so sweet I can’t even objectify her like I would most bomb, young celebs. Each time I see her, I want to see 12 Years a Slave less because I’m not trying see her in any sort of negative situation. Shine on, Lupita. I can’t wait to see you as a character nobody’s ever heard of in some terrible Marvel flick.

McConoughey

Damn, Mathew—and I can never spell it, so I’m just gonna sound it out—Mac-Kon-ihay won an Oscar. I thought this was finally gonna be Leo’s year, but I didn’t see any of these movies, so what the fuck do I know? If I assess the lifetime joy these two actors have brought me, I think MacKonihay takes it by an inch. At the high end, Dazed and Confused > Romeo + Juliet and at the higher end, Contact > Shutter Island. Facts prevail. Props, MacKonihay. I can’t wait to see you as the villain nobody’s ever heard of in some terrible Marvel flick.

Spring Breakers

So, I didn’t see a ton of Oscar nominated films this year, but you know what I did see? Fucking Spring Breakers. That shit was made in 2012, and it was better than half these movies. They're really gonna shut Harmony out like this? Did nobody show the old ass Academy members Ashley Benson’s boobs? Google it, bros. I’d have figured the Academy would swing for the “seem hip with the kids” move and at least give Skrilly a Best Original Score nom or something.

Pharrell

Thank God Pharrell looks old in this picture so you guys can stop making the same “Pharrell doesn’t age” jokes and memes. You know how we can tell Pharrell is old? He recorded a song for Despicable Me 2. I’m not even going to talk about the shorts.

Michael B. Jordan

I’m human. I’ll cry at “Where’s Wallace!??!” like the next dude, but I can’t get behind yung Michael B. Jordan with this fit. I realize this is your first Oscars, and you want to shine, but the corny ass stars on your collar, shirt sleeves that don’t extend past your jacket, and the shoes, man, the shoes...just take a moment, stop trying to be Nick Cannon Jr., rewatch Chronicle and center yourself, homie. I’m excited to see you in a terrible Marvel flick. Don't blow it.

Sudeikis

Jason Sudekis’ grill is top 5 most punchable all time, and that second button jacket blah blah blah, but the presence of this couple is just reminding me that they were in a little film called Drinking Buddies last year that was better than 80% of the movies that were nominated. Olivia Wilde is eternally slept on because people assume someone who played Marisa’s bangin’ punk rock lesbian girlfriend on The OC can’t be a good actress. Prejudice is a disease.

Bale

With Bale showing up looking like this he must have known he wasn’t going to win. I had a joke about Bale looking like [insert overwrought Moy description] “Your brilliant cousin who dropped out of Yale and decided to grow pot full-time”, but dude looks happy. People think he’s an asshole, but I fuck with him. When’s the last time you watched The Prestige? Take the time, dog. It’s real. On American Hustle: Is it the ultimate shade for a film to get a bunch of nominations and win none of them? Apparently, only actors like David O. Russell.

Gravity

Gravity won all the awards about stuff looking cool, and Cuaron won for figuring out how to make everything look cool. The Academy had to reward Gravity because it was the first movie in a minute to remind people why going to the movies is special. In an era when TV does storytelling better than movies—having 13+ hours to develop characters rather than 2.5—Gravity was the movie that you had to see (read: pay for) in theaters. As good as 12 Years a Slave probably was, it could have probably been an HBO miniseries, right? Shit, the most charismatic people in the building last night (MacKonihay, Kevin Spacey) are more famous right now for being on premium cable and fake ass internet TV than for their films.

Movies need to remind people what they’re good at: being tight on really big screens. Gravity was awesome on a big ass IMAX screen. If you watched a bootleg copy on your 13" Macbook, you probably thought it sucked. Sure, the acting was straight poop, but the film did remind us that sometimes it's still worth spending $27.50 to go watch a movie with a bunch of annoying strangers.