Children are delicate organisms. They are unfamiliar with nearly everything, so what you tell them will influence their outlook on the world for the rest of their lives. If you teach them right, they'll bloom into wonderful human beings. However, if you accidentally poison their understanding with incorrect nonsense, they'll probably walk into traffic or become an asshole or something. Chances are, your parents did the latter and that’s why you’re so fucked up. With that in mind, the following is a list of terrible life lessons your parents ruined you with forever when you were just a little doe-eyed angel. Also included are the revised lessons you can use in an attempt to salvage the train wreck of a life you're currently leading.

Matt Rimer is a writer living in Boston. Follow him on Twitter here.