The 20 Worst Pieces Of Advice Your Parents Gave You As A Child

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You Can Be Anything You Want To Be

Oh, you want to be an astronaut when you grow up? Dude, you can’t even poke the straw into a Capri Sun pouch. Aim for mediocre (and, honestly, I’m giving you the benefit of the doubt in assuming that you can even be mediocre).

Revised Lesson: You Can Be Anything You Want To Be As Long As You Want To Be A TGI Friday’s Waiter.

Don't Be Afraid To Fail

You should definitely be afraid to fail. If anything, you should be more afraid to fail than you currently are. If you’re not constantly afraid of failing all the time, you’re going to let your guard down and totally fail. And if you fail in life, then you won’t be able to get a job, which means you won’t have any money to pay your rent or buy food and wind up living with your parents who will keep giving you shitty life lessons.

Revised Lesson: Don’t Be Afraid To Fail If Your Family Is Filthy Rich.

Don't Judge A Book By Its Cover

Judging people is an important part of life. It’s an animal instinct that helps you determine whether a person is a threat and/or a potential sexual mate. Sometimes chicks are both #FearBoner.

Revised Lesson: Save Time By Labeling People Before You Get To Know Them.

Take The Road Less Traveled

Nah dude, my boy Jeremy just got mugged on that road last week. Shit's sketchy as fuck.

Revised Lesson: Only Take The Road Less Traveled If You’re Packing Heat.

PS Incidentally, "The Road Less Traveled" is the name of the erotic novel I’m writing (the road less traveled = anal FYI).

Be Yourself

Don’t be yourself. You’re a horrible person on the inside and you watch weird porn. If you act like yourself someone is going to end up calling the police. People who tell you to be yourself have no friends.

Revised Lesson: Be What You Imagine Others Will Think Is Cool.

Drink Two Glasses Of Milk Per Day

The natural reason milk is produced by a cow is so its baby calf can grow into a 900 pound monster. I’ve seen you packed into those skinny jeans, man. You don’t need to gain any more weight. Also, stop giving yourself a milk mustache and saying, “The dude abides” in your best Sam Elliot voice in front of the mirror. You’re just embarrassing yourself.

Revised Lesson: Only Drink Milk When You’re Eating Oreos.

There's No Use Crying Over Spilt Milk

Oh, no use crying over spilt milk, eh? Well, I just spilt some milk all over my new Lebron XI’s and now they’re ruined. Fucking Oreos, man. I was overzealous with my dunking. I got cocky and now I’m paying the price.

Revised Lesson: Don’t Be A Clumsy Asshole Who Spills His Milk.

Two Heads Are Better Than One

Who cares what other people think? Their ideas are different than yours and, therefore, totally wrong. The best way to grow as a human being is to shut out people who disagree with you and call them ignorant.

Revised Lesson: My Head Is Better Than Your Head.

People In Glass Houses Shouldn't Throw Stones

First of all, where can I cop a glass house because that seems sick? I bet that, like, R. Kelly lives in a glass house and he forces his neighbors to watch him slay all of the chicks/15-year-olds that he brings back. And yeah, I just threw a stone at him. What of it?

Revised Lesson: Buy A Sweet Ass Glass House.

The Early Bird Gets The Worm

Waking up early blows dick—the grass is all dewy and gross, the sun is rising and blinding, animals are moving all about giving people rabies and shit. I’m gonna go sleep for another five hours minimum. Wake me up when I’ve missed all of my adult responsibilities.

Revised Lesson: The Early Bird Obviously Doesn’t Have A Hangover, So His Lessons Don’t Apply To Normal People.

Take Responsibility For Your Actions

If you take responsibility for your actions then you’ll either get punished or everyone will think you’re a dick. There’s nothing noble about throwing up on the living room couch at three in the morning from eating too many late night taquitos from 7-Eleven.

Revised Lesson: Blame Everyone On Someone Else.

Get Back On The Horse

If a horse ever throws you off, never get back on. That horse is dangerous and is probably out for blood. I repeat: DO NOT get back on the horse/death beast.

All right, I’ve gotta come clean. True story, I got kicked in the head by a horse when I was ten and I’ve had a vendetta against them ever since. Fuck horses. I’ll kick you in the head, you fucking horse. You look like Hillary Swank. Have fun being dog food when you break your leg.

Revised Lesson: If You Get Thrown Off Your Horse, Get A Car. It’s 2014.

Don't Talk To Strangers

Everybody knows that strangers are the most interesting people on the planet. They’re always pretty chill people and they usually don’t want to drug you and sell you into sex slavery. Like, almost never. Okay, it happened one time, but, like, it was daylight savings and it was this whole thing. Unless the new person you’re meeting is a clown living in a sewer, you’ll probably be fine.

Revised Lesson: Never Talk To Child Molesters.

Curiosity Killed The Cat

So, you want us to not be curious, mom and dad? Human advancement comes out of curiosity. What if Albert Einstein (for those of you who don’t know him, he’s the guy with his tongue sticking out in your dorm room poster back in college) was like, “I could try to figure out this whole relativity thing...but better not. I don’t want to be a bother.”

Revised Lesson: Feline Leukemia Killed The Cat.

A Penny Saved Is A Penny Earned

Who the fuck saves pennies? Poor people? Are you really that much of a dick that you can’t put a penny in a tip jar? Like, what the fuck are you going to buy with a penny? One Swedish fish? Actually, Swedish fish are, like, 15 cents. Inflation, amirite?

Revised Lesson: Save 15 Pennies And Buy Some Swedish Fish.

Eat Your Vegetables So You Grow Up To Be Big And Strong

This one has always chapped my ass real bad, man. My parents used to tell me this every night at dinner and I’d shovel broccoli and green beans into my mouth, thinking I’d end up swole as fuck. Like, I figured by the time I was the age I am now, I’d look like goddamn Dolph Lundgren or some shit, but instead I look like a bag of mashed potatoes.

Revised Lesson: Do Steroids So You’ll Grow Up To Be Big And Strong.

An Apple A Day Keeps The Doctor Away

Noshing on a Macintosh isn’t going to fix your liver disease. In fact, all of that hard cider you’ve been drinking is probably what gave you that liver disease in the first place. So, essentially, if you eat apples you will die. That’s just science.

Revised Lesson: No Health Insurance Keeps The Doctor Away

Treat Others How You Want To Be Treated

Well, maybe you treat yourself like shit. Maybe you destroy your body with booze and sugar. Maybe you watch yourself eat fast food in the bathroom mirror and cry while your lard filled mouth screams, “I’m not a piece of shit! You’re a piece of shit!” Maybe you write self-deprecating articles for #menswear blogs. You should probably treat others better than you treat yourself, man.

Revised Lesson: Treat Yourself To Something Nice, You’ve Earned It.