Valentine’s Day is not only on deck, but your worst fucking nightmare. Everyone is all jovial and holding hands and shit. Oh, and don’t forget that, as a guy, you're all but guaranteed to go broke getting her a gift she doesn’t like. Um, yeah, I guess I like the drill press. Thanks. How the fuck was I supposed to know that you're not into drilling holes in shit? To avoid all of this nonsense, follow my instructions and break up with your girlfriend before Valentine’s Day. That way, you can join me in the fort I made out of bed sheets and pillows to keep out the crippling loneliness.

Matt Rimer is a writer living in Boston. Follow him on Twitter here.