How To Hit The Gym Like A True #Menswear Douchebag

Image via Complex Original

Decide On The Body You Want

I won’t say your body is a temple or a wonderland. Me, you, and everyone we know agrees it is not. But what it is is your mannequin prosthesis, existing solely as a clotheshorse for your alphets as dictated by the style gland in your brain where the pineal one should be (more on #menswear phrenology in my upcoming thesis: "Giant Dickheads: The Cranial Structure of #Menswear Reprobates"). Maybe you’re going for the sinewy, celery stalk silhouette championed by Opus Dei. Or the more athletic, V-shaped torso common amongst people who started going to the gym way before you. Or maybe you wanna pack on muscle like you’re beefing up for a prize fight and become a human bowling ball. Whatever your prerogative, the gym will transform your body into whatever's gonna make you feel like the prettiest girl at the ball.

Choose A Gym

The more packed, the better. Like, waiting-list-to-use-a-Shake-Weight packed. More eyes on you equals more self esteem cuz you petty, cuz.

Shopping Spree!

Because you own negative three articles of workout clothing and you’re sure as shit not going to wear your street sneakers at the gym. You camped out forever 'n' a day to buy those! Go for stuff that’s gonna breathe. Unless something comes in leather, in which case get that version.

Walk In Like You Own That Motherfucker

Make your first foray to the gym during peak hours (4:30PM – 7:00PM). March up to the counter, bedight in a U-hemmed tee draped over a slightly longer U-hemmed tee, athletic-looking bangles strewn about your person, blacked out drop-crotch shorts and fresh J’s with larger, older J’s over them as galoshes. Hand your membership card to the counter girl with a grave, determined mien that says, "I’m here to get more swole than a water bladder. What you doin' later?"

Commandeer The Locker Room

Consider the locker room your satellite closet. On your first day it’s prudent to bring a YSL duffle with all your gym attire and a few combination locks so you can take over a row of adjacent lockers. There will be a half-naked horde milling about, crossing paths butts to nuts, smelling like close-order skunks, and there you’ll be, lining up your sneaker collection and spreading out your post-sauna noragis on a bench, sort of the way older people will arrange all their valuables in quiet moments.

Sustenance

Every gym rat, mouse and gerbil flashes their workout fuel before they hit the irons. Whether it be protein powder, foggy bottles of creatine, or Luna bars, how you prep says a lot about you. Which is fucking stupid. Here, do this: As you waltz out of the locker room onto the floor, scarf six Dunkin’ Donuts munchkins, a ball of quinoa held together with congealed pig fat you flensed personally, and wash it down with a drink that’s one part deadstock Surge and two parts prosecco. If that doesn’t set the tone for your gym reputation I’ve got nothing else for you.

Lift

One of the least important steps for your purposes, but still necessary for acceptance. Don’t overthink it, just, like, mosey from machine to machine, leave equipment all over the place and throw laughable combinations of weights on barbells, only to abandon them like Bieber did OG Mally. Some people will break up their days by body part. You just focus on using machines that make you look cool. But not too hard, which brings me to my next point...

Chat People Up

In this order: dudes in dope alphets, hot girls, dudes in mediocre alphets but dope sneakers, butterfaces, the gym staff, benign onlookers, teenagers with something to prove, old people with nothing to lose.

The Mirror Is Your Friend

You’ll soon find, like all vain gym-goers before you, that you never look better than you do in a gym mirror. The overhead flood lighting accentuates the striations of your body as you move heavy things fore and aft. The swelling effect exercise has on your muscles is fully on parade and what blemishes or imperfections your body may be saddled with are negligible at the distance you’re standing from your reflective bestie. You’ll look so beautiful Asimov couldn’t have written it and Ripley wouldn’t believe it.

Smoke Cigarettes

A full pack. Between sets. While perched against a wall or Smith machine in case someone is taking your picture.

Instagram Everything

I’m talking pump action, 2 Instas per minute, start to finish, no filters, no ceilings, pithy pre-written captions, stealth flexing, good side only, hair just so, expression like a cancelled stamp type shit or your workout doesn’t count so sayeth me amen. New year, new you.