20 Totally Unnecessary Movie Sequels That Need To Be Made Right Now

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Complex Original

Image via Complex Original

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Let’s face it, we live in a culture of brand name recognition. Sequels, prequels and remakes are everywhere you look and make up an incredibly large portion of the movies being released each year. While most of them are played out and unoriginal, they are huge moneymaking powerhouses for studios and aren’t going away anytime soon.

These production companies may be trying to retroactively destroy our favorite movies, but, luckily, I beat them to the punch. I can ruin classics all by myself! The following are 20 of the best fake movie sequel plots that will make The Book of Shadows: Blair Witch 2 look like the motherfucking The English Patient. Hopefully, these pitches will lower your expectations in the future, so you can continue about your miserable life undisturbed.

Matt Rimer is a writer living in Boston. Follow him on Twitter here.

1. moviesequeallead

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2. AirBud

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Air Bud: Performance Enhancing Dog

America’s favorite all-star golden retriever is caught in a bind when he is accused of using illegal PED's during his tenure as a professional dog-athlete (and player of such sports as basketball, football, soccer, baseball, and volleyball). But don’t expect this friendly pup to bark when he's in the court room. Bud's lawyers have advised him to keep silent and "plead the woof!" In the end, he's put down by his own misguided quest for the record books.

3. American Beauty

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American Beauty 2: Bag Hard With A Vengeance

After the first American Beauty, everyone in the country had only one thing on their minds: "What ever happened to that fucking plastic bag that weird kid filmed?" Finally, everyone’s questions will be answered in this completely disappointing, straight to DVD sequel to the Academy Award winning original.

4. Castaway

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Castaway: Stuck On The World Wide Web

Chuck, recently rescued from a desert island, struggles to assimilate into an America very different from how he remembers it. He discovers the Internet and marvels at its technological ingenuity. Who knew there was so much volleyball BDSM porn?

5. Fargo

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Fargo 2: Afterbirth

Pregnant police officer Marge Gunderson has finally given birth to a bouncing baby boy, but there's no time for bed rest and cute photos. A new killing spree is unfolding in the town of Fargo and it’s up to her to deliver justice. With a gun in one hand and a teet-sucking baby in the other, this chick is ready to kick ass no matter how uncomfortable it makes everyone else around her. I mean, can't she just use a bottle or something?

6. Forrest Gump

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7. Network

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Network 2: The Glenn Beck Program

Following the theme of the first film, this sequel features a television network turned into a sideshow circus act with a segment showcasing a crazy person yelling at the top of his lungs. The only difference is, instead of screaming, “I’m mad as hell, and I’m not gonna take it anymore!” he screams about how Obama is a basically, like, a modern day Hitler.

8. No Country For Old Men

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No Country For Old Men: Day Dream Believer

Just having finished his ruthless murder spree, sociopath Anton Chigurh changes his name back to Davy Jones and gets the band (The Monkees) back together.

9. One Flew Over The Cuckoos Nest

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One Flex Over The Cukoos Nest: Chief's Story

After putting the lobotomized McMurphy out of his misery and escaping the mental institution, Chief Bromden gets a fresh start on life and does what he’s always dreamt of: opening a jean jacket store.

10. Run Lola Run

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Sleep Lola Sleep

This chick was running all the fuck over the place in the first movie and now she’s exhausted. Time to take a quick shower, throw on some sweats and crash like a champ. Three hours later she wakes up and feels that Chinese turning over in her stomach, so she takes a shit Lola shit.

11. Saving Private Ryan

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Saving Private Ryan: Pop-Pops' War Stories

Fifty years after the end of the war, Private First Class James Ryan sits at his family’s dinner table, preparing to eat Thanksgiving dinner. The old man talks for way too long about American cars, says something racist and eats all of the mashed potatoes like a dick. At the end of the night, he recalls his glory days in WWII and exaggerates about how many Jerrys he killed with his bare hands. His grandchildren laugh at him behind his back because Pop-Pop's soooo crazy!

12. Se7en

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Ei8ht

In this installment, by-the-book Detective Somerset (Morgan Freeman) teams up with loose-cannon-because-she-doesn’t-have-a-head Tracy (Gwyneth Paltrow), wife of Detective Mills (Brad Pitt) from the first film. Buddy-cop shenanigans ensue as the two clashing personalities work together to solve the latest case. It’d tell you the rest, but I don’t want to let the head out of the box.

13. Seabiscuit

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Sticks And Stones

After the events of the first film, Red continues to race his mighty colt competitively. Then, during a stakes race, the old horse breaks its leg. It is killed and sold to a dog food company.

14. Space Jam

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Space Jam 2: The King James Incident

While playing a friendly game of golf with his pals, NBA star Lebron James is abducted and brought to Looney Toon Land in order to help a gang of cartoon characters defeat their evil alien foes in a game of basketball. Lebron agrees and plays for the ToonSquad for a while, but soon his priorities change. He holds a nationally broadcasted press conference before revealing that he has made the very tough decision of taking his talents to the MonStars.

15. Spring Breakers

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Spring Breakers 2: The Quickening

The girls return back to school after their tragic spring break experience only to find out that they’ve all contracted crabs from Alien (James Franco). Seriously, that dude was sketchy as fuck. You should have seen that one was coming, ladies.

16. Stand By Me

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Stand By Me Too

Not long after the events of the first film, Gordie, Chris and the gang pack their bags once again and head off on another coming-of-age adventure. Like the previous film, they wind up seeing a dead body, only this time it's at a far away placed named “The Viper Room”.

17. The Departed

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The Departed 2: Don't Get Shot In The Fucking Head, Bro

Literally everyone from the first movie is dead except for Mark Wahlberg. It’s up to him to make it out of Boston without getting shot in the head when the audience is least expecting it. All he has to do is get his car keys and he’ll be...BLAM! Shit. He got shot in the fucking head. Cue "Gimme Shelter".

18. The Sixth Sense

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The Sixth Sense: Cruise Control

At the end of the first film, child psychiatrist Dr. Malcolm Crowe (Bruce Willis) finds out that he’s been dead the whole time. In the sequel, Crowe comes to the realization that his wife can’t see or interact with him, so he leaves her. He has a mid-life ghost crisis and goes off the rails taking ghost painkillers and having ghost sex with ghost hookers. The twist? Haley Joel Osment grows up to be really fat and never acts again.

19. The Truman Show

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The Truman Show: Life On The Outside

Finally, Truman is liberated from the cruel ant farm of a life where he was unknowingly being watched by everyone in the country, every day since he was born. Now that he’s on the outside he realizes that every single person he will ever meet has watched him jerk off.

20. Titanic

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Titanic 2: Lost In New York

Recently surviving a whacky ship wreck, Rose (Kate Winslet) and Cal Hockley (Billy Zane) finally make it to New York where they can’t help but running into each other day after day. While awkward at first, the two eventually hit it off and the will-they-won’t-they drama ensues. “But I’m a clumsy twenty-something, trying to make it big in Manhattan,” Rose says, “what would a guy like him want with a girl like me?” And that’s just the tip of the iceberg! Meanwhile, Celine Dion kills herself.

21. Star Wars

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Star Wars Episode Whatever: Something That Isn't Hot Garbage Like Attack Of The Clones

I’m looking at you, Abrams. Don’t fuck this shit up.

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