New Years Partying Tips You Can Learn From Famous Works of Art

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One of the biggest problems with New Years parties is the expectation to go overboard, but just look at these bros in the above painting—they can't even sit on their stools properly. Hell, there's a problem with perspective in a lot of Bruegel's works that hints at over imbibing. Do you really want yet another round of New Years celebrations to be overshadowed by your lack of self-control? We don't want that for you. Don't do that to yourself.

The passage of time is nothing but a social construct. You know this. I know this. Dalí knew this. Don't let whatever bad shit happened to you in 2013 get you down. The New Year's Eve party is, in part, a cleansing ritual, a symbolic act to wipe the slate clean. Let go of the past. Look toward the future.

The best conversation starter is a cute dog. Especially a cute dog that plays poker. Especially a cute dog that plays poker and bets foolishly and never bluffs. If you can manage it—and dress the animal properly—there's no harm in bringing Spot to the soiree. Your (non-allergic) party pals will thank you, probably.

New Year's Eve is one of the busiest party nights of the year for restaurants, clubs, and bars. In the US, it's also routinely one of the coldest. The combination of the two means you might have to take a seat on a frigid patio somewhere, especially if you don't want to be stuck at home all alone when the ball drops. And hey, if you're smooching your sweetie as the clock strikes midnight, a view of the moon ain't the worst thing in the world.

If you need a break from the revelry, take one! You only need to meet your own expectations for the night. Find a calm diner, where some kind soul has graciously covered the graveyard shift so that Nighthawks like you can get a grilled cheese. Take a deep breath, have a coffee, put on a Stetson hat, and remove yourself from all the hubbub. That's the way to a nice, balanced evening out.

New Year's Eve is a time for reflection, but you don't want to dwell on anything shitty in particular. Think of the good times over the last year, and whatever company you keep for the night, sing those people's praises. This will keep the wine flowing and the spirits high. There's also a competitive aspect to this, a one-upmanship to whomever can give the most meaningful toast.

This is your night. You should get to document it however you choose. Don't let a professional photographer shame you into not documenting how badass you look with that freshly trimmed beard and three-piece suit. No one really knows what the New Year holds, and no asshole can tell you taking an iPhone portrait of yourself in the bathroom of the Tribeca Grand is anything less than dignified.

How depressing were the Romantics? They were all about nostalgia. Look at these dudes—they just can't let go of the past. They're gazing lustily at a bust of Beethoven as if he was the end-all be-all of their own craft. You gotta let go, guys. And part of that is getting up off your ass and off the opium—it's bringing you down.

If you're going to a party, you don't want to be the downer of the group. Know the dress code, don't be a clown, plan ahead, and get your shit dry-cleaned. Unless, of course, you actually are going to a circus-themed New Year's party. In that case, be a clown! Or a trapeze artist. Or a ringmaster.

This one is kind of obvious. Why would you want to count down the final seconds of 2013 with any other than your best chums? Sure, there's something subtly romantic about the possibility of sharing that perfect first kiss with a stranger, but what are the chances of that happening? Spend the night with you're best friends. They'll likely help keep you out of trouble—or at least defend you when you get caught.

We mean it. This is the culmination of a year's worth of bad career decisions, relationship follies, ludicrous creative prospects, and maybe a couple good things here and there. This your chance to go out dignified, as long as you hold your chin up high. Let the world and the New Year know you aren't messing around.

Let's face it; New Year's Eve can get kind of blurry. With that in mind, you may as well take a second to step away from the revelry in order to jot down all the resolutions that you'll inevitably break. This way, at least you can angrily rip up a piece of paper instead of just grasping at the shreds of your busted psyche.

What is New Year's without goofy headwear? Be it party hat, giant foam cowboy hat, a Carmen Miranda-style bowl of fruit, or something like the woman's hat in this Matisse painting, for some reason New Year's Eve screams "Cover that dome."

Let's take a more sober note for a second: don't drink and drive. Seriously. Just don't do it. Take a page out of the book of one of the most important painters of the last century, Jackson Pollock. Homeboy died in a fiery blaze, lit probably in part because of his elevated blood alcohol level while he drove himself and two passengers home one evening. You might be the next Pollock (you're probably not), and we want to see you alive no matter what.

Look at this painting. It's the pure visual embodiment of how every party is going to be when you imagine it. The balance is perfect, the vibrancy deft, the figures infinite—there wasn't a single misstep here. And this is probably the strongest key to New Years' Eve—while you're out celebrating, nothing really matters as long as you wake up the next morning with no regrets (or at least enjoyable regrets) with a clean slate for the coming calendar cycle. Auld Lang Syne, bitches.