Dammit. You OD-ed on cider too early and forgot to put your turkey in the oven. Don’t call for General Tso just yet. You can quickly cook a 14-pound turkey in an hour. Have that much time? Stop drinking and do this.
How To: For thawed birds, completely cut out and remove the backbone and push the bird flat to a roasting pan. Pat it dry and cover with a heavy shake of salt and pepper. Apply a hefty layer of softened butter to the outside and shove some chopped herbs under the skin of the breasts if you have time (and herbs). Situate the bird breasts-down in the pan, cover with aluminum foil, and cook at 400 degrees. Make sure to baste the turkey every 15 minutes with more butter and turkey drippings to keep it moist. Measure the temperature after 40 minutes and take it out once the meatiest parts have reached 165 degrees. Let her sit for 15 minutes before you carve her. Then toss the evidence and never tell anyone you didn’t slave all day.