Today, you’ll find yourself among friends and family, eating food and celebrating one of the most American holidays this great nation has to offer: Thanksgiving. But then you think about it and you realize that your family is awful and the food isn’t even that good, and a single tear rolls down your face like the Keep America Beautiful Indian.

Luckily, I wrote list to help articulate all your forthcoming anguish toward the Thanksgiving holiday—and that’s something we can all be thankful for.

Matt Rimer is a writer living in Boston. Follow him on Twitter here.