I hope all you motherfuckers got your invites. Invites to what? IF YOU HAVE TO ASK YOU’RE NOT INVITED, CHUMP. Just kidding. Don’t actually feel bad at all because we're only talking about InfluencerCon 2k13.

BAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!

What the fuck is an InfluencerCon? Oh, you know, just a series of conferences about influencing in cities as diverse as Mumbai, New York and Detroit. YEP, EVEN MY BANKRUPT CITY IS BEING TAKEN OVER BY CORNY FAUX SELF-PROCLAIMED IMPORTANCE. IS THIS WHAT GENTRIFICATION FEELS LIKE? PEOPLE HAVING CONFERENCES IN WHICH THEY DISCUSS THE POWER OF THEIR OWN INFLUENCE AMONGST THEMSELVES?

Seriously, peruse this website for a minute or two. They actually use phrases like “influencer ecosystem” non-ironically. Excuse me, but what are an influencer’s natural predators? Because, clearly, they are an endangered species. Influencers are slowly becoming a epidemic, you guys. I have a real fear that they will become a permanent fixture on the Internet landscape and we cannot let this happen.

InfluencerCon features such riveting and hot-button topics such as “ideation” and "intellectual nomadism". DUDES, WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU EVEN SAYING? WHY NOT JUST SAY, “HEY EVERYBODY, WE ARE REALLY GOOD AT ACTING LIKE WE KNOW WHAT’S COOL AND HIP, SO DEFINITELY GO AHEAD AND PAY US TO TELL YOU YOU’RE COOL AND INFLUENTIAL TOO.” If this shit isn't a pyramid scheme then I don't know what is.