The Four Pins Guide To Going #Menswear Analog

Image via Complex Original

Sever Ties

First off, my dudes and occasional girl, you need to cut the Internet cord. Figuratively! If you actually just cut your Internet cord you’re already playing on Expert. Sidebar: It’s wild how cutting yourself off from the Internet is the 21st century equivalent of being a recluse. But I promise, if you go about your day and don’t tell the Internet about it, it still counts. If you don’t believe me, look no further than all the steezy, old Italians you reblog. They can’t even remember their email passwords. And that's because they don't have email.

Resist The Urge To Document

When you see someone out in the wild in a totes sick fit, don’t surreptitiously take a picture with your iPhone like old times. In fact, why do you still have a smartphone? I said no Internet, remember?! When I do my bimonthly Internet purge I drop my iPhone into a snake tank and grab my Boost Mobile burner with 5 contacts in it. If you really want pictures, get a disposable camera. Or, better yet, download that shit to directly your brain.

Absorb The Details

Now that you don’t have your phone or Internet this is the part of the program where you’ll start to notice things in the real world. You’d be surprised how easily you’ll discover the surreal lurking in plain sight when you devote your attention to experiencing it as a fleeting moment. As strangers pass you in the street, pay close attention to their fabrics, their drape and, in general, all the shit that you can’t fully appreciate on your Tumblr Dashboard. You’re not on the sidewalk, you’re at the Westminster Dog Show and you can’t appreciate these dogs until you watch them trot. My fever is at least 103°F.

Think For Yourself

Now that you’re acquiring all this real world-y knowledge, try doing what designers do every season right before they tell YOU what to do every season: Actively note what people are wearing. What’s warm in the streets? What’s lacking? Brainstorm and then make sartorial choices to push the needle forward in your unique way. Just ‘cause you don’t have interns doesn’t mean you can’t have an opinion. This brings me to my next point…

Make Something

Take a stab at making something—anything. Get a pencil and sketch out that shearling toggle bodice that’s sure to sketch people out. Hell, hit the swap meet and get a sewing machine. How else are you gonna fill that time you used to spend on the Internet? Kanye did it and I KNOW for a fact that’s all anyone has to say to get you to do something.

Look For Inspiration Beyond Clothing

Once you transcend the idea that style equals clothing you can look to other places for inspiration: paintings, architecture, Jackson Pollock-esque bird shit splatters, you know, hella random shit like that. Here’s a little tip for that ass: Inspiration is progression. The weirder the origin of the idea, the more unique it’ll be. If you can pull a swagger rabbit out of a bird shit splatter hat you’re cooking with fire. Like, my-forehead-right-now level of fire.

Get Out Of Your Comfort Zone

Now that you’re on your own wavelength, make some bold ass choices. Try experimenting with the French Wardrobe style philosophy: Be minimalist with your purchases—5 per season—so you’re forced to buy versatile basics, instead of carpet bombing you credit card across the Internet because you just got paid and there are so many salez, bro. OR you can pull the equivalent of Tyra Banks going out in public in a fat suit and walk around in some deadstock Hollister and Skechers to build character. And destroy your reputation.

Put On Airs

Just like anyone who’s overcome the Internet in 2013 should. There’s something untouchable about a person who uncovers the ruse that is the Internet, crashes the boat into the painting and escapes—to reference a rapper referencing a movie.

Rebirth

Settling into your new identity as an Internet-shunning #influencer can take anywhere from a few weeks to millennia. But once you do, Pengrove, you’ll be the stuck-up shooting star #menswear needs, but can’t gaze on directly without going blind. You’ll effortlessly travel between our world and the next on a chariot made of smelted down crepe whose MPG is three light years per gallon of Tom Ford Tuscan Leather. You’re happy. You’re grateful. You’re God’s guy, guy.

Start A Movement

Now that you’ve ascended to hard-to-breathe heights of analog #menswear, you need to convert others. Tell people how liberating it is to dress yourself without calling your best friend, The Internet, for a second opinion. Hold these talks in large venues and charge an entry fee. Make sure to ask a friend to post the details on the Internet or else no one will show up.