If you are reading this, you can read. And that means you can date a woman.
Why is that, you ask? Well, you can tell a lot about a gal by the magazines she reads. Ahead, what 20 fashion magazines can tell you about the woman who reads them, including foolproof tips for wooing one of these fashionable subscribers who are keeping the publishing industry alive and well.
Rachel Seville is a writer living in New York who believes in miracles. Read her blog, Pizza Rulez, here and follow her on Twitter here.
1. fashionmaglead
2. VOGUE
VOGUE
Who she is: An impossible sophisticate backed by a gang of Soho house frosties and human macarons, the Vogue subscriber emerges nightly to levitate around downtown boites when Make Up Forever Poudre Microfinition is sprinkled on the latest issue.
What she does for a living: PR for Carolina Herrera
What she eats: Vogue and tennis racket strings
Warning: She’ll have an endless stream of nonsensical decrees: “A red lip without enough coral is vulgar” or “Flats are for weekends--or Paris!” or “The Odeon: so quaint, so full of memories.”
Ideal date: Dinner at Le Pivoine Parasseuse, one of those unmarked restaurants where you have to have a handwritten note of introduction to dine, followed by an Uber Copter ride to Newport for a single glass of champagne, where she proposes a toast “to your essence.”
3. townandcountry
TOWN & COUNTRY
Who she is: Her allegiance to Father, the Episcopal Church, and her horse Toddy are written in blue blood. Inexplicably has five different kinds of tablet computers. Pilots the family plane to Desert Island, Maine.
What she does for a living: Impressionist cataloguer at Sotheby’s.
What she eats: Cold, clean Connecticut water and turkey sandwiches from Viand.
Warning: Her concept of transgression is Francophilia.
Ideal date: Squash--she’ll beat you--followed by eyerolls on the rocks and Pat Buckley ghost hunting at Doubles.
4. glamour
GLAMOUR
Who she is: Mean and terribly out of your league, a Glamour girlfriend will make all of your friends jealous and throw you a kick-ass, over-the-top birthday party, but you’ll never wear or say the right thing.
What she does for a living: Though her business card reads “Cornelia Street Brownstone Resident,” she also works for some kind of insane event planning operation for which she’s constantly expensing chainsaws she’s bought on Amazon.
What she eats: You.
Warning: See above.
Ideal date: Dinner at somewhere very popular where you can’t get a reservation and everything is terrible, followed by a crawl of her favorite Speakeasies. At one, you have to impersonate Michael Caine on too much Adderall to gain entree.
5. lucky
LUCKY
Who she is/what she does for a living: Bubbly, stylish, and a little bit irreverent, Lazy Susan combines a lust for the fast pace of modern femininity with touches of old world glamour. Whether sipping tea uptown or dancing on tables with her best friends downtown, Susan loves dressing for any occasion--and is so glad you’re along for the ride!
What she eats: She gains nutrients by Instagramming photos of food she’s served at blogger dinners.
Warning: She’ll want you to take about a billion pictures of her.
Ideal date: Brunch with YOU!, the “special guy” whom she’ll frequently reference on Twitter and her blog. Also, if you don’t work in finance, you now work in finance.
6. COSMO
COSMO
Who she is: Sassy, shrill, and desperately seeking male companionship.
What she does for a living: Following a high-flying career of college cheerleading and sorority presidency, she is “focusing on self-actualizing” but is also a social media manager for a veterinarian.
What she eats: Vinegar-soaked carrots or some other horrible thing that she read makes women AMAZING in BED!
Warning: Your dalliances between the sheets will be marked, if not scarred, by a jillion really uncomfortable and weird things she has been instructed by her bible to do. Like this, which is 100% real: “Hide your turned-on vibrator in his sock drawer. When he figures out where the buzzing is coming from, tell him he gets to experience its pleasure power.”
Ideal date:One overpriced cocktail made of sage and snortleberries, and then to bed (but not to sleep).
7. ELLE
ELLE
Who she is: A cute New Jersey native who worships at the altar of Audrey, she thinks everything “sounds so fun!!”
What she does for a living: In some boring way, involved in marketing perfumes. As a result, she can whisper any phrase or word with what she believes to be inestimable allure.
Warning: Five dollars says she speaks in babytalk.
Ideal date: A movie she knows she’s dragging you to.
8. teenvogue
TEEN VOGUE
Who she is: Underage.
What she does for a living: Lifeguarding.
What she eats: Chili fries.
Warning: That is a fake ID.
Ideal date: I don’t know...just...like...talking?
9. INSTYLE
INSTYLE
Who she is: A career-minded so-and-so who can name 58 of anything that you need to have right now.
What she does for a living: Assistant Manager of Corporate Procurement and Non-Essential Asset Direction
What she eats: She has one of those orange tubs from Just Salad you can buy to save 50 cents.
Warning: “I don’t know, I just feel like...”
Ideal date:
A baseball game “because I can prove I’m one of the guys!”
10. bullett
BULLETT
Who she is: A “reformed witch” who grew up in Mexico City with her father, who designed half of Michael Jackson’s album covers.
What she does for a living: Designed some kind of totally rad iPhone app, now wakes up at 11 everyday and stalks around Bond Street in a Cabbage Patch doll costume from Goodwill and those famous Balenciaga boots looking insanely cool.
What she eats: Juice.
Warning: Just eats juice.
Ideal date: Drinks at a Rainforest Cafe that recently opened in Bushwick.
11. bazaar
HARPER'S BAZAAR
Who she is: A Lauren Bacall lookalike who’s fanatical about Twitter, where her bio reads: “On the junior circuit. NYT Style section and a doppio is my morning dream team.” She regularly makes pronouncements on what’s new—this is The New Skirt,” “The New Coat Silhouette,” “Nudes are The New Black when it comes to Nails—with great authority and speculative sources.
What she does for a living: Marketing for Sephora.
What she eats: Something made of paste.
Warning:
She eats a nightly pint of ice cream in secret.
Ideal date: Some old, classic bar that oozes elegance and has uncomfortable leather seats.
12. ID
i-D
Who she is: When not walking her dog lizard on a post-ironic hot pink, studded leash, she’s wearing a tattered $2000 Rodarte sweater with Hanes tighty-whities to party-hop with Jeanette Hayes.
What she does for a living: No one’s really sure, though she recently sent you a facebook invitation for an Evening of Silent Soliloquies.
What she eats: Kale hot dogs.
Warning: Courtney Love?
Ideal date: The glossy launch party for Essence Water, which comes in Cigarette-Flavored and Wet.
13. LOVE
LOVE
Who she is: You’ve seen her in party pictures and follow her on Twitter (“Catsitting for Karl Lagerfeld xox”), but when you finally meet her in person, you can’t freaking believe this swan with a rosebud for a mouth and a teapot for a hat is charming, let alone a live human being.
What she does for a living: DJ.
What she eats: DJ meats.
Warning: You’ll want very badly to keep up with her impossible lifestyle--she’s so warm! So witty! So knowledgeable about all the presidential candidates and which fork to use first!--but you so totally can’t.
Ideal date: Gwyneth Paltrow hosts you, Chelsea Handler, Larry Gagosian, and Diane Keaton for chinchilla-zested pizza.
14. WWD
WOMENSWEAR DAILY
Who she is: Intense, and possibly about to be convicted for insider trading.
What she does for a living: Second-in-command at one of those big bad fashion empires
What she eats: Meat.
Ideal date: Power lunch at Michael’s.
15. allure
ALLURE
Who she is: She spends 100 minutes applying her makeup, then puts on sneakers and a sweatshirt.
What she does for a living: Young gun upstart in the finance department of the PGA Tour.
What she eats: A bowl of raisin bran! A few almonds! Turkey on gluten-free bread! Steamed salmon with green beans! One indulgent spoonful of butter pecan ice cream!
Warning: She knows of a potion to cure any aesthetic indelicacy.
Ideal date: A long run, followed by a long walk.
16. l'officiel
L'OFFICIEL
Who she is: Sleepy-eyed and stripe-shirted, she’s always bored and thinks everything is garish. Never without her cigarettes.
What she does for a living: Has written a series of books for Americans on the myriad things the French do better than Americans: “BAGuette: How the French Produce Such Beautiful Handbags and Also Our Bread is Way Better”; “Pink: It Just Looks Better Over Here”; “Buildings: How Do We Do It?”
What she eats: Moodily pushes a tartine around a plate every day at 1 PM.
Warning: Cooler than thou.
Ideal date: Sitting by the Seine, tapping her Celine-clad foot on a cobblestone and sighing.
17. PAPER
PAPER
Who she is: Still holding out hope that the Limelight will reopen, even though she was 10 when it closed.
What she does for a living: Works at a gallery.
What she eats: Hates fruit, loves fruit-shaped candy.
Warning: Will send you way too many emails with the subject “New York in the golden age” that include photos of a young David Byrne crossing Houston as a homeless man vomits in the foreground and a 12-year-old girl stabs her brother in the background.
Ideal date:
A Slits reunion concert at Art Basel Miami.
18. W
W
Who she is: “Fashion isn’t art,” she explains. “Art is fashion.” Has seen “A Single Man” 15 times. Occasional muse to Marc Jacobs.
What she does for a living: Hers is a life of beautiful, impassioned strutting to meetings in surgically modified bliss.
What she eats: Always insisting the pasta or pizza at some scene restaurant is “amazing,” but you’ve never seen her eat.
Warning: Have fun being on the receiving end of bon mots like “Givenchy on Kim was foie gras on water crackers.”
Ideal date: Drinks at some bar where you can’t hear anything. Outside she tweets, “JUST FOUND THE NEW MEATPACKING,” then tells you, “THIS IS THE NEW MEATPACKING.”
19. nylon
NYLON
Who she is: A Williamsburg resident who has a tattoo that says “WILD HORSES” in Times New Roman.
What she does for a living: Web developer
What she eats: Fruit roll-ups.
Warning: Says her favorite all-time band is some Pitchforky thing called It Will All Be Over Soon We Promise That’s Right Just Kidding that has two songs.
Ideal date: Painting penises on a bowl at one of those paint your own pottery places.
20. dazed
DAZED & CONFUSED
Who she is: An angel with moth wings named Stevie Juno.
What she does for a living: Does promo for night clubs in London and Toyko.
What she eats: Udon and ketchup.
Warning: See below.
Ideal date: Anything with a guy who’s “a major investor in the next MySpace.”
21. jezebel
Jezebel.com
Who she is: A fast-talking badass who remembers all the critical theory she read in college and will use it to debunk your theory that you need that new pair of Frees as you sit speechless.
What she does for a living: Works in a design agency that designs websites for liquor companies.
What she eats: Whiskey.
Warning: She’s always right.
Ideal date: Drinks at a bar so divey that fruit flies cloud above the liquor bottles, over a too-candid discussion of what always goes wrong in her relationships and a definitive takedown of the very concept of modern dating.