Vogue just put out this guide to Brooklyn, trying to tell everyone how Brooklyn is the new Paris or some shit. Look, we all know Brooklyn is no Paris or Tokyo or even London. That’s why we don’t mind that rejects from the Midwest move there and reinvent themselves as barbers, get anchor tattoos and eventually become performance artists. While I could just make fun of Brooklyn for the next 8,000,000 words, I’ll spend this time making fun of the article because I actually happen to know some people that live in Brooklyn and they’re not bad people. Their apartments always smell like hinoki and tuberose, they offer me sparkling mineral water and they enjoy expensive French pastries. I can’t hold it against them for choosing to live in Brooklyn. I mean, we all make mistakes. This article simply highlights a bunch of reasons why living in Brooklyn has got to be one of the most hilarious existences known to man. For example:
1. THERE IS A RESTAURANT WITH A SIX WEEK WAITING LIST. One time I told a girl I was seeing that I wanted to wait to get to know each other before we smanged it out. She asked how long and I was like, “I dunno, a month?” And she was like, “BAHAHAHAH FUCK YOU, PRUDE.” I'm not waiting for some fanciful food longer than a girl with a fanciful vagina was willing to wait to see my penis.
2. There is a former school in Williamsburg that now shows immersive plays inspired by Lewis Carroll and Alice’s Adventures in Wonderland. Oh, did I mention the audience walks through the school 15 audience members at a time? Are you kidding me? Fifteen people? That's it? Isn't anyone worried that they're gonna get caught browsing their Twitter feed because watching some idiots from Des Moines deal with disappointed daddy issues in the skeleton of PS 307 is arguably the most boring shit of all time?
3. The accompanying editorial (seen above) is downright fucking insano. There is a family that named their rabbit "Odette". WHY WOULD YOU OWN A RABBIT? AND, FURTHERMORE, WHY ON EARTH WOULD YOU NAME IT "ODETTE"?
4. The only things dumber than Odette The Rabbit are the names of the actual human children living in this godforsaken borough. There’s at least a dozen kids featured in this editorial and there were maybe, maybe, like, 4 normal names in there. The rest? Dixie Pearl, Dakota, August and a bunch of normal ass names spelled with misplaced vowels. Keep in mind, these are wealthy, successful, beautiful people ruining their children's lives. I can only imagine the horrible, adolescence-destroying names that couple you met at Prospect Park that run non-profit pre-natal art classes in a converted WWII-era bomb shelter will come up with.
5. Brooklyn has gone full on Gilmore Girls. There were, like, five places to buy terrariums in this guide. Art museums? Check. Crafts? Double check. Organic kale? Triple check. BROOKLYN, WE GO WHIMSICAL.
6. How was this article published this month and not 5 years ago when moving to Brooklyn was actually cool? I feel like even the hipsters in Brooklyn are hipster type annoyed by articles like this.
“Oh my god, Malachi, Vogue just totally blew up your barbershop.”
“You mean that spot where I can get a Hitler Youth haircut AND a tattoo that says 'forever and a day’ in traditional Sanskrit? The mainstream media is so bourgeois.”
Everyone cool in NYC should just move to the Bronx or Harlem or Flushing at this point if they haven't already. I just assume you are legit as fuck if you live there. I thought Bushwick was legit, but then I met a group of assholes on scooters and they invited me to kick it in Bushwick and then I was like, “NAH.”
Okay, here's my caveat: Brooklyn is kind of amazing. Everyone should visit at some point. Maybe book an extended stay or something. Actually, you know what? Live there. LIVE IN BROOKLYN AND STOP MOVING TO DETROIT. There are people with kids named "Hunter" that live in my building that brag about how they were on the board that was “instrumental in bringing a Whole Foods to Detroit” because, you know, a city that has declared bankruptcy, has an hour-long wait for 911 calls and led the nation in violent crime rate in 2012 totally needs a Whole Foods and not just some regular lame old grocery store. On the bright side, some of my neighbors subscribe to Vogue, so maybe they'll move.