I’m no Apple fanboy. Don’t get me wrong, I buy Apple products. I’m the proud owner of an iPod, a Macbook and an iMac that I’m currently using to type this sweet ass article you're currently reading. I’ve just always hated the douchie minimalist ads, the Lebron James “Decision” caliber unveilings and the soul patch cult army that is associated with the brand. Standing in line for two days is something that should be reserved for an event of greater distinction like the release of the new Air Yeezys, amirite?
In summary, I don’t drink the Steve Jobs Kool-aid. So, before I saw his new biopic, I had expected it to be a love note featuring more turtlenecks than an Ernest Hemingway Christmas special. Like, just straight up posthumously blowing ol’ Scuba Steve, God rest his soul.
But it wasn’t like that at all. In fact, most of the film focused around how Steve Jobs is a total A-hole. About twenty minutes into the movie, Jobs is tasked with designing a new video game for Atari, the company he worked for at the time. Realizing that he’s bit off more than he can chew, he asks for the help of his computer programmer/possible sex offender friend, Steve Wozniak. The Woz saves his ass, but Jobs lies about the payment they had agreed to split, saying that they’d each get half of $750 when, in reality, Jobs was being paid $5000. Total dick move. Oh, and Jobs never acknowledges the existence of his daughter, or some shit. Yeah, whatever. Cry me a river, sweetheart.
There were, of course, things that I didn’t like. For instance, Ashton Kutcher was in this movie. I could end there and you’d get the point, but nothing in the world gives me as much unadulterated joy as making fun of Ashton Kutcher. Ashton’s work includes such classics as The Butterfly Effect, Dude, Where’s My Car? and having sex with Demi Moore. Or is she his mom? I can’t remember. Anyway, Ashton was simply terrible in Jobs despite mastering the Steve Jobs “I just pooped my pants in public, but I’m gonna play it off like nothing happened” walk like a fucking pro.
Honestly though, using people to get successful and then spitting in their faces seems like a pretty foolproof idea with absolutely no consequences.
I don’t think any of the actors cast in this film were the producer’s first choices. They probably couldn’t get Jonah Hill to play Steve Wozniak, so they settled for Josh Gad. They weren’t able to snag John Malkovich so they took what they could get with J.K. Simmons. And I guess no actor on the planet wanted to play '90s Apple CEO Gil Amelio because they hired Kevin Dunn. But I’ll give credit where credit is due. The lone savior of this thing was Dermott Mulroney as entrepreneur and longtime chairman of the board at Apple, Mike Markkula. This dude’s legit the most underrated and unnoticed actor in the game. Straight up totally honest, no exaggeration, Dermot Mulroney makes Sir Ben Kingsley look like a pile of dogshit in comparison.
There are tons of monologues in this shit for no apparent reason. The characters would just be talking to each other, having a normal conversation and then out of nowhere one of them just decides to go Lawrence Olivier on everyone's ass and belt out an uninterrupted sermon, nine times out of ten leaving everyone else teary-eyed. One or two monologues in a flick is copasetic, but upwards of twenty? Yo, relax.
Something else I wasn’t excited about was the fact that the entire plot plays out exactly like The Social Network. Visionary Nerd in inappropriate footwear rips off other nerd’s idea. They start an incredibly successful business together via musical montage. Visionary Nerd denies one of his friends from being a shareholder. Friend is PISSED. Visionary Nerd grows into a super tool and pushes away everyone who cares for him. His life is filled with regret, even though he’s built something amazing. The end. But The Social Network had Rooney Mara, Armie Hammer, Justin Timberlake, Trent Reznor lighting up the score and David Fincher being David Fincher. Game, set, match, Zuckerberg.
But that actually got me thinking, maybe the key to success is screwing over your friends. I mean, it worked for Jobs, the Zuckster, Tom Petty, Gwen Stefani and Ronald McDonald. I just think we’re moving in different directions and I need to spread my wings, McDonaldland Gang. Don’t ever stop being you, Hamburglar. You’re a true poet. Peace, bitch. Honestly though, using people to get successful and then spitting in their faces seems like a pretty foolproof idea with absolutely no consequences.
About a year from now, whilst peeling out in my Bugatti filled with cocaine hookers, you can catch me yelling, “Later, Four Pins! Don’t let the door hit you in your stupid fucking faces on the way out! DEUCES!”
Four Pins Rating: 6/10 Condescending Glances From People Who See My Droid
Matt Rimer is a writer living in Boston. Follow him on Twitter here.
