The Skirt: Dating Books Are The Absolute Worst

"The Skirt" is an ongoing series in which Four Pins' resident lady friend, Rachel Seville, becomes the most important woman in your life.

Until last week, I thought I knew the kind of guy who read dating books. A friend of mine once went back to a guy’s apartment and, while he was making mixed drinks using T.G.I. Friday’s Margarita Blenders, she glanced at his bookshelf. “How come all your books are either about Nazis or how to talk to women?” she asked.

But all this Ken Hoinsky nonsense changed my mind. Last week, Hoinsky got in big trouble all across the Internet for trying to raise money on Kickstarter for a lame dating book BASED ON HIS REDDIT FORUM that encouraged aggressive, if not assaultive, behavior towards women in pursuit of love or, at least, maybe a woman will touch you once or twice on purpose. Above the Game: A Guide to Getting Awesome with Women he called it. In Japan, dudes who sit behind computers all day spouting into the nether regions of the Internet are considered such disturbing social phenomena that there is a term, "Hikikomori," for them. In America, we look to men like this for dating advice.

I turned to other dating manuals for men to see how clownish and out of the ordinary Hoinsky’s advice really was. What I found was like a jillion dating books for guys, which made me realize that dating books for men are like diet books for women. While we’re wondering if we should eat no potatoes or only potatoes, you guys are looking to The Layguide, The Game, The Natural, The Manual, The Pickup Artist and any number of “The” books, every single one of which promises to be the last thing you’ll ever read about dating and it’s going to be really, really easy, like “Man Want Woman = Man Get Woman,” even if you don’t have money or a car or a nice haircut or could pick a woman out of a lineup of terracotta pots.

Because the only kind of woman you can attract with the attitude these books promote is the kind of person they purport you, yourself, will no longer be if you follow their advice: self-conscious, shy, boring, awkward.

There are so many of these books that I probably know a guy—shit, probably dated a guy—who’s read at least one of them. Which is terrifying because they all say in 300 or sometimes even 400 pages the same dumb things. Many of the same dumb things Hoinsky says. Be confident! Be aggressive! Do not ask! Command! Look interested! None advise to actually be interested, but, rather, to “look fascinated.” Except not, like, that interested. Like, relax and don’t act like this is a big deal. “Act like you would around your eight-year-old niece,” The Pickup Artist actually advises. Make her win you over by wearing a hat that she can take and put on and giggle about. Cool. Now take her! She is yours! This is nothing like your job. You are in charge! As a result, you will, as one book eloquently states and all believe, “have sex with a different beautiful woman every night of the week.”

In addition to this “simple methodology,” all these books include “moves” that are probably as effective as a diet that involves drinking the remains of a deep frier. In The Pickup Artist, the author, MYSTERY, advises this “Gambit” for your first kiss with a woman: When she is speaking, put a finger to her lips and say to her, “Shhh...you talk a lot. Would you like to kiss me?” This is the same fellow we have to thank for The Game, Neil Strauss’s biblical dating book. In fact, nearly all of today's dating books can be traced back to The Game, in which Strauss penetrates a group of “pickup artists” led by Mystery, who is a FUCKING STRUGGLING MAGICIAN. You guys, you are all taking dating advice from GOB Bluth.

If anyone did this “Kissing Gambit,” or any of those things to me, my honest reaction as a woman would be, like, extreme discomfort, followed maybe by hitting you or maybe just running away, but most assuredly laughing. Laughing at you, to be specific. Because the only kind of woman you can attract with the attitude these books promote is the kind of person they purport you, yourself, will no longer be if you follow their advice: self-conscious, shy, boring, awkward.

In truth, there are only three things you need to do in pursuit of a woman:

1. Listen. Ask her a bunch of questions, listen to her answers, ask follow-up questions and make small comments in conversation that make it clear you’re listening to her.

2. Make jokes. Women like jokes because jokes are like sentences, but funnier.

3. Do some non-goopy romantic thing once in awhile. Buy her a bunch of balloons or take her to a concert as a surprise or write her a postmodern, totally self-aware declaration of lust.

It’s pretty much the same thing you’d tell a woman reading a hundred diet books. There’s no secret formula or magic trick. Just do the simple, obvious things. And everything in moderation—don’t make so many jokes it’s distracting, don’t overwhelm her with grand gestures. On the other hand, every guy I’ve ever dated has eaten like 100 cheeseburgers a day and never gained weight.

Rachel Seville is a writer living in New York who believes in miracles. Read her blog, Pizza Rulez, here and follow her on Twitter here.

Above the Game: A Guide to Getting Awesome with Women by Ken Hoinsky

Hoinsky landed in hot water last week when he sought funding on Kickstarter for a dating book that many saw promoting sexual violence and assault. The book is based on methodology he outlined on Reddit. Because now we’re taking our social cues from dudes who troll the Internet in solitude as a hobby.

The Game: Penetrating the Secret Society of Pickup Artists by Neil Strauss

The grandaddy of all dating books for men is actually about a guy who takes overpriced classes with a magician. Seriously. Though he ultimately condemns the weird methodology espoused by Mystery (his Christian name, I’m sure), the book is far better known for its pathological advice than the author’s ultimate redemptive turn towards true love.

The Layguide: How to Seduce Women More Beautiful Than You Ever Dreamed Possible No Matter What You Look Like or How Much You Make by Tony Clink

First of all, the title is more disgusting than salad. (Note: I hate salad.) The author promises that his simple methods will help you skip “the old-fashioned way” of impressing women with money so that you can “have sex with a different beautiful woman every night of the week.” Setting goals is important.

Text Appeal: FOR GUYS! The Ultimate Texting Guide by Michael Masters

“Imagine, all of those dates, with so many hot girls that you didn’t go on simply because you couldn’t text right!”

How To Be A Gentleman by John Bridges

Not exactly a dating guide, but rather the book your mom bought your cousin when he graduated from a liberal arts school where three of his classes every semester had the word “Culture” in the title and he wore Rainbows in the winter. I leafed through it at Brooks and it tells you at which occasions you must be sure to turn off your beeper and some stuff about holding open doors.

The Manual: What Women Want And How To Give It To Them by W. Anton

The Manual posits itself as the end-all-be-all of dating books. The back cover reads: “This is why guys that read it don’t read or recommend anything else.” Not even Moby Dick? Or the occasional Us Weekly? It endeavors to show what women think they want is just, like, totally determined by society, man, and does not reflect what they really want, which is “why men think women are attracted to things such as money, yet money is a man-made invention that has not even EXISTED very long.”

The Natural: How to Effortlessly Attract the Women You Want by Richard La Ruina

Richard the Ruinous brings you advice on getting women without wearing any makeup.

Men Are From Mars, Women Are From Venus by John Gray

The classic guide to gender and relationships, if you are from any suburb in America. Also, I love aliens.

The Pickup Artist by Mystery

From the fellow who created the titular "Game" in Neil Strauss’s "classic" come the rules that started it all. First of all, Chapter One is called “Welcome to Miami,” so this is a NO. Additionally, how could you ever, ever, ever take advice from a man who writes, “I looked like Tommy Lee; my avatar was an image I had cultivated through years of experimentation”?