Congratulations, homie! After landing a real job in the city you’ve paid off your student loans and expelled all the peasant brands from your wardrobe. But the work has just begun. What? You thought you’d arrived? It would all be gravy from here on out? Living luxe is a never ending escalator my friend and the next step is getting your household in order. Striking that ever so subtle balance between vintage and modern (toward which pole will your spot skew?) is harder than it looks. “But why?” you ask. “I don’t care about interior design. That’s for girls!” Well, it comes down to the essential truth that dictates all male action—tryna get some stank on your hang-down—only now you’re in a whole new pay grade. You might have fooled college girls and interns with your tailored Ludlow suit and passable Seiko, but now you’re after real, professional ass women, and it takes more than some hardbottoms to get the oven started. Even though they totally put their career first and don’t want to conform to society’s gender expectations, they might-just-maybe-still-want to have a baby and they need to know you’ve got the means to buy, and the taste to decorate, their future home. This is crucial shit. Sure, your twenties were about solidifying your closet, but this is an entirely different arena, old man. Where to start? Uh, the fucking Internet, of course. Here is our ultimate guide to pretentious interiors.

Angelo Spagnolo is a writer living in Portland, Oregon. Read his blog here and follow him on Twitter here.