The 10 Types of Black Friday Shoppers

Image via Complex Original

Perched outside of Best Buy for the past week, this person is gunning for a new television, or maybe a deal on some sort of tablet. The hardcore sneakerhead's tech geek cousin, the irony is this is the person who usually makes fun of people lining up for the next Jordan drop.

Every other person is guilty of "showrooming." That's the practice of going to retail shop in order to use your phone to see if you can get it online for cheaper. On Black Friday, where the goal is to cop as much as possible for the least amount of money, you can bet these shoppers will be quick-drawing their smartphones out, tapping item names and SKU numbers into Amazon and Google at a fever pitch.

He hasn't slept despite the fact that he had six plates of turkey for dinner. About ten 5-Hour Energys in, everything has become a blur. Between finding parking for the minivan at three different malls, thinking about how much of his money the rest of the family is currently spending, and wondering if he'll be home in time to watch some football, dad is wigging out. He hates shopping in the first place, but goes along with it because he might score a nice flat screen or one of those newfangled 3D TVs. Everything else is a small price to pay, besides, he just poured some rum into his twelfth Frappucino of the day.

These are the neighbors you have that actually do things like fire drills and stock up weeks in advance for hurricanes and blizzards. Emergency preparedness is their forte, thanks to a paranoid dad and perennially-anxious mom. So when it comes to the biggest shopping day of the year, you can bet they'll hit up every store for the best shit like a gang of robbers pulling off the perfect heist. Like a well-oiled machine, dad will idle the minivan in the front of the store while mom and the kids rush in with their walkie-talkies executing their rehearsed plan of attack. They know it'd be easier to just buy everything online, but what's the fun in that?

They don't care what it is or where it's from, they just know they absolutely have to buy something. As soon as they set foot into a store, everything goes black until they wake up in the parking lot, laden with shopping bags and a couple of hundred bucks more of credit card debt. Unlike people who need to put whiskey in their coffee to get through the day, shopaholics are usually taken lightly-because you can easily take back a shirt or jacket, but there are no return policies for crack.

S.S.D.D. for these guys: Same Shit, Different Drop. Need proof that the Yeezy didn't jump over the Jumpman? Just peep Jordan Brand's consistency. Every Black Friday, you can expect a hot shoe release that has hypebeasts fiending and nostalgic sneakerheads reaching for their wallets and sucking up the fact that they'll have to wait at Foot Locker to cop. This year, it's the Black/Red Jordan IVs that have everyone going crazy.

Before Occupy Wall Street, "Buy Nothing Day" was the de facto form of protest against mass consumerism. The whole concept was well, to spend the entire day not spending a cent. 75% of "activists" miss the point and end up going shopping the day after. But on the real, most people aren't hippies or freegans, but end up spending money at small businesses and independent boutiques as a more ethical way of buying into the hype, a practice we wholeheartedly endorse. After all, the obscure Japanese streetwear brands and artisan tailored goods we lust after can't be found at a mall.

For guys looking to come up on some fresh gear for the winter, Black Friday is the day to do it. They already know about all the best deals and avoid big chain stores like the plague. But this dude is on the hunt, and he won't rest until he finds that perfect peacoat, boots thick enough to outlive him, and a couple of new button downs to last him through the season. Most guys don't give a shit about where their money goes in terms of clothing, but this dude has a severe attention to detail, and it shows through his style. Now... if that could only help him get a girlfriend.

They already hate their family, so these types of situations help them bottle up even more resentment. See them looking dead inside at the food court, obviously wishing they were at home playing XBOX or PS3 instead. Mom and dad thought heading to the mall would be a fun bonding experience, but these ungrateful spawn would rather just get shit bought for them or delivered straight to their door. After all, they've got Facebook statuses to update, texts to send, and tweets to tweet.

Ever wonder where all those sweaters you don't want for Christmas come from? Yep, Black Friday deals. In addition to prepping the turkey dinner, mom already highlighted all the items she plans to cop for everyone from your little brother (more Webkinz) to Great Aunt Fiera (another three-flavor tub of popcorn). Here's her motherly instinct comes into play: like a lioness and her cub, she will fight anyone who comes between her and that last Tickle Me Elmo or cozy half-price Fair Isle sweater. Do not mess with this woman when she sees the perfect gift for (insert relative here), or she will catch a body.