A company called Alpha Nail (get it?) thinks that if you're not painting your nails, then you're a pussy. Are you a pussy? I DIDN'T FUCKING THINK SO, BRO. And since you're not a pussy, your heroes probably include fellow alpha males like Chuck Liddell, Dave Navarro, and professional pick-up artists. Besides leaving piles of slain trim in their wake, destroying all competitors in various realms of life, and drop-kicking society's rules in the balls, here's something else these badasses have in common: "They are all alpha males and they all adorn their nails with war paint. Why? Why not!"

You still think it's silly? How about spokesman Roger "El Matador" Huerta punches and explodes your eye while wearing the Cocaine color from the Matte Collection. Still doubting that this shit is for Alphas? Chris Leben just broke your jaw while sporting the Midnight color from the Metallic Collection. And neither guy chipped a nail while murdering your dome, because Alpha Nail products are designed by Alphas for Alphas. The "technologically and biologically superior" formula will "strengthen and invigorate the nails down to the beds." In case you're saying "FUCK SCIENCE" like a true Alpha would, then allow us to Bus Driver Hadouken your dick with this: the "colors are so sick Dr. House can’t fix them." HADOUKEN!!

Look, if you're not already applying this war paint onto your hands (which, as an Alpha, probably reek of money, punani, and other people's blood) then maybe you're not a true Alpha, bro. But there's still hope for that vagina between your legs. Alpha Nails put together a few reasons why painting your nails is fucking awesome, and we expanded them further for all your true non-Alphas. Click through to see why Alpha Nail Wants You to Wear Nail Polish, Bro.

blog comments powered by Disqus