"Uncommon closure system fits everyone and will show who wears the pants in your household."

That is the real life, published, actual copy for these pants. UNCOMMON CLOSURE SYSTEM FITS EVERYONE? For real, real not play, play? If you need a diagram to show you how to put your pants on, it's not fucking loungewear, bro. What do you think the elastic waistband was invented for in the first place? Seriously, I know we write about drop-y crotches and sweat-y pants and generally not giving any fucks no matter what the circumstance, but c’mon, there’s a fine line between the coziest of the cozy boyz and these things, which, by definition, might not even be real pants. Maybe that line only exists in the tranquil head that resides atop my corporeal extremely unbound person. Who knows, maybe one day I’ll be stomping around my house wearing pants that fit everyone shouting, "LOOK WHO WEARS THE PANTS NOW, MOM!" Fuck, guys. These pants have elicited a serious crisis of my confidence. And thus spoke Zarathustra. God is dead. Control+Alt+Delete my entire everything. I’m fucking out.