Wait, what? What the fuck is this even about? Wear a suit, but don’t think like one? I have no fucking clue what Men’s Wearhouse is trying to do here. Why even try a rebrand? I mean, I’ve never been inside a Men’s Wearhouse, so this piece is gonna vibe mad judgmental and elitist. I guarantee it.
First off, wearing a suit never had a bad connotation to it unless you’re a fucking seven year old. If you’re uncomfortable wearing a suit you’re probably uncomfortable with things like responsibility and shoes. I mean, it’s literally a pair of pants and a jacket. You wear something similar, like, every single day or your life. You know what has a bad connotation? A suit from Men’s Wearhouse. And before you get all “WELL WHAT ARE WE SUPPOSED TO DO? WE ALL CAN’T STUNT WITH FOUR PINS MONEY,” you should go to a vintage/thrift shop and find yourself an old suit that some grandpa paid a grip for, but his asshole kids decided to donate to Value Village. A quick trip to the tailor and BAM you stuntin' on all those lames who bought suits from Banana Republic because their girlfriends touched themselves to the thought of Don Draper actually existing in real life. Look down right now. Are you wearing a tonal shirt and tie combo? Your next destination is a pair of Seven Jeans, homie. Godspeed.
But you don’t want to cut off your penis by ordering something as girly sounding as a ‘Diet High Life.' So we called it MGD 64. Problem settled, you vain little asshole.
God, I feel like a dick. I mean, the dude from Men's Wearhouse is just trying to help guys get into a suit for an affordable price. That’s not necessarily a bad thing, is it? It’s just the tone and delivery of the commercial. It vibes like those light beer commercials that are marketed towards guys. It’s like, “Hey check out this Diet Beer. Yeah, you order Jack and Diet Cokes, so you probably regret the caloric intake of a regular High Life. But you don’t want to cut off your penis by ordering something as girly sounding as a ‘Diet High Life.' So we called it MGD 64. Problem settled, you vain little asshole.” (Sidenote: did you guys know in Europe they call Diet Coke “Coke Lite"? Yeah, I only know because I went to Pitti Uomo with a bunch of dudes who all ordered Coke Lites without any hesitation—gotta look good for Tommy and Mort!) I don’t know any more man. I mean, just because dudes wear their pants above they ankles doesn’t mean they aren’t working stiffs. In fact, I know some dudes who wear the nattiest suits ever that hate their jobs and Western Capitalist Society like their name was Karl Fucking Marx.
What am I supposed to do now? Actually develop a personality or something?
What happens when everyone is wearing a suit that fits? It’s like when you find out that just because someone smokes weed doesn’t mean they’re cool and rebellious. It just means they like weed. Same here. Before, girls could see a guy in a suit with 2 inch cuffs, no break, and sneakers and think, “OVARIES GET READY, WE JUST FOUND A GUY THAT WILL, LIKE, PICTURES OF OUR REALLY OVERPRICED BRUNCH HE ACTUALLY PAID FOR AND HAS A DECENT RELATIONSHIP WITH HIS MOTHER.” She’d overlook the amount of time he spent taking photos of his feet, or the fact that he artfully places his cellphone so his face is covered when he takes photos in the office bathroom because despite having seventeen social media accounts, he wishes to remain ‘anonymous.' What am I supposed to do now? Actually develop a personality or something? Stop trying to cockblock me, Average Guy In A Suit.
Maybe the standard bro going out uniform will become a 3/2 roll, Italian cut suit with subtle pinstripe, a spread collar and a sensible knit tie. Fuck, man, I just hope they still use Axe. Axe is like catnip for unsavory strumpets. I guarantee it.
