"Diamonds & Wood" is an ongoing series in which music critic Shea Serrano breaks down the 5 hip-hop tracks you need to hear this week.
"Don't be all, 'Oh, poor me. I'm the only one not having sex.' I'm not having sex either. And you've been getting blowjobs, so..."
That's something that my wife, L, said to me last night. It's been just about twelve weeks since the last time I—we—had sex. And it'll likely be another eighteen weeks until it happens again. I think the term for extended amounts of sexless time is called "desert dick," but I'm not sure. If it is, I don't like it. And I'm sure desert lizards don't like it either. Desert lizards get all kinds of tail, I hear.
Anyway, the non-sex thing, the same thing happened the last time L was pregnant. (Oh yeah: she's pregnant right now, that's why we're not having sex.) It's no biggie, really. I mean, it's not like the drought has been/is a surprise. It's part of the game. Right now, my penis is like Demolition Man Sylvester Stallone in his cryogenic chamber—there when you need him, invisible otherwise.
You figure it'd be weird to be in such close proximity to a vagina all of this time and not have access to it, but it all just starts to feel normal after a while. It's probably how dogs feel about chocolate—bad bit of luck is all that is, them not being able to eat that.
Anyway anyway, I don't think it's this long between sex for most pregnant couples. (I don't really go around chatting up pregnant women about intercourse, so I'm just guessing.) We go that long because of these pregnancy complications and blahblahblah. There are all sorts of restrictions, actually, all these little things that need to happen and take place and so on so the pregnancy runs smoothly. For example, we have a nurse that comes to our house once a week that gives L a shot that keeps her uterus acting like a chillbro. She can only walk X amount of steps per day, and once she gets to her allotment, she has to shut it down. Any sort of sexually charged music or imagery has to be avoided lest it leads to contractions, etc. The last pregnancy, we dicked around and weren't prepared. She ended up having to lie down for four months straight while a needle pumped medicine into her leg 24 hours a day so our then-fetuses wouldn't fall out and/or die. It was the bravest, most amazing thing I've ever seen anyone do. There's no way I could've done that. After about a week in the bed, I'd have been like, "You know what? Fuck you, babies. Come out if you're coming out. Whatevs. Your life, not mine. I'm gonna go play basketball." I'd make a pretty shitty mom, I'm certain.
Anyway anyway anyway, by the end of all of this, it'll have been 30 non-sex weeks, a fair enough trade for a new little baby to tote around. (We have two sons already. Despite my sincerest intentions, the new baby will be a boy too. I wanted a girl desperately. I even asked God for one. No go though. He's probably up there LOLing his balls off.) I'm excited to do the infant thing again, excited to pose for pictures with him like he's a football and I'm the Heisman Trophy, excited to hear him cry, excited to see his face, all that. It's gonna be fun.
My penis'll be ready to go then, I'm sure. In the meantime, I'm just treating him like those guys that sit outside of Home Depot waiting for work. I'll be like, "What's up?" when I see him, maybe throw a head nod or peace sign his direction, then move on about my business. No fences to paint today, playa.
1. Without A Face, "T.S.A."
I'm aware that this is more R&B than rap, but I'm also aware that I just spent 600+ words in the opening of a rap column by talking about genitals, so maybe now's not the time for you to nitpick technicalities. Besides, the song is interesting and funny and genuinely enjoyable. Aces.
2. Azad Right, "Wandering Eye," featuring Maffew Ragazino
It's cool that being a rapper that isn't black isn't really a THING anymore, y'know.
3. Freddie Gibb, "Bout It, Bout It," featuring Kirko Bangz
Let's take everyone's favorite underrated grimey-voiced rapper, pair him up with the sex buzzsaw Kirko Bangz, then get out of the way*.
*That was someone's exact sales pitch for this song, guaranteed.
4. T.I.'s "Go Get It"
One time for all of the 135-pound rappers. T.I. has done for skinny guys what Woody Allen did for quirky guys, that is a fact*.
*Or maybe it's not. I don't know. I'm not King of Facts, broseph.
5. Evil Nine's "Black Brad Pitt," featuring Danny Brown
If I had to assign a rapper the title "Black Brad Pitt," the bizarro-faced Danny Brown would not be the pick. I mean, let's not pretend like we're all not at least a little offended by this. I'm saying, Brad Pitt is goddamn gorgeous. Did you even see Fight Club? Did you even see Snatch? Did you even see Legends of the Fall? (Also, this makes for the second time in very recent history that a rapper called Brad Pitt's name to an attempt to give himself a quantifiable sexiness measurement. I perused Rap Genius and found 44 others as well. So there. That means something, yo.)
Shea Serrano is a writer living in Houston, TX. His work has appeared in the Houston Press, LA Weekly, Village Voice, XXL, The Source, Grantland and more. You can follow him on Twitter here.