What He's Buying: Side-Mesh Bell Hat, $40

He was dragged to SoHo by his ungrateful spawn. “What the hell is this place anyway? And why can’t we just go to that nice looking Hollister down the street?” Mutters Dad to himself, as he stares at the $40 mesh bucket hats his bratty son wants so bad. “Tommy Bahama makes these for ten bucks!” he tells his progeny, but the 13-year-old won’t listen. He wants to look like the white kid in Odd Future. He wants to wear a box logo T-shirt on the plane back to whatever flyover state they came from. Exasperated, Dad forks over his hard-earned dollars to the nonplussed cashier. “All right. We’re done here. Let’s go to the Statue of Liberty,” Dad says, defeated.