The lead up to the Olympics in Rio has been well, crappy. Literally and figuratively. But the calamity that is the impending 2016 Games is just beginning with water filled with human feces and dead bodies where events will take place.
It turns out Rio is not only dirty, corrupt, and polluted, but it’s also just kind of weird. I mean, who knew the city would go as far as answering some of its biggest problems with love motels and simulated robberies? We rounded up a few of our favorite weird things you can expect at the upcoming Olympics.
Gisele Bundchen will reportedly pariticipate in a simulated assualt during the opening ceremony.
Officials promised Brazil’s most famous supermodel Gisele Bundchen's appearance during the opening ceremonies would be “sexy,” and maybe it’s the language barrier getting in the way, but that doesn’t seem to be the right word to describe getting robbed.
Bundchen will simulate a “robbing and persecution” during part of the opening acts this Friday, according to some Google translating by Deadspin. Which is a weird way to celebrate the opening of a worldwide athletic event regardless, but especially iffy given the rampant violence that continues to plague Rio and you'd figure officials would prefer not to bring attention to. .
If Rio is trying to somehow make fun of itself, they should try again.
“Love motels” are the best, most affordable, and pretty much only option for tourist housing.
There’s just something about the Olympics and getting it on. For athletes it’s always been the record-breaking number of condoms in the Olympic Village, but now there’s finally a chance for civilians to take part in the action.
The U.S. Department of State warned that “severe shortages of hotel rooms in Rio de Janeiro are expected during the Olympic Games.” Luckily, Rio’s booming sex hotel industry has a solution for tourists looking for a place to stay. Quartz describes the breadth of the industry:
Love motels are big business in Brazil, generating 3.5 billion reais ($1.07 billion) in annual sales, hosting 100 million guests, and employing 250,000 staff, according to the Brazilian Motels Association, a trade group.
Love motel owners are charging a fraction of the price, compared to the larger chains, in hopes of giving tourists what could be their only option for housing during the games. It seems as though this might be the one problem in Rio that the city actually has an answer to.
The mascot has already been shot and killed.
It might sound like part of a South Park spoof, but somebody actually shot and killed the real life version of the home country's cute jaguar mascot Ginga last month.
Juma, the real life jaguar, was part of an Olympic torch lighting event in Brazil when it got away from its handlers and was subsequently shot and killed. If that doesn't symbolize how crazy and weird things have been in the lead up to the games, maybe this will do it...
Journalists will be staying on top of an ancient mass grave of slaves.
While out of town tourists will be staying in seedy motels, journalists can live it up in Barra Media Village, which is described as “luxurious,” and also conveniently located on top of what has been identified as a mass grave for slaves. The land set aside for the complex originally belonged to family members and descendants of runaway slaves, but the community was destroyed in preparation for the games.
“Residents say that developers did away with 'sacred' archeological remnants of African slaves by building over them,” according to the Smithsonian.
So all members of the media can add being cursed for all of eternity along with the Zika virus on the list of awful things to take home from Rio.
The government built a “Wall of Shame” so tourists won’t have to look at any poor people.
In Donald Trump fashion, the Rio government tried to solve a national issue by simply building a large wall. The barrier, which separates the north side from the south side, has been dubbed by residents and journalists as the “Wall of Shame.” It hides the northern part of the city, which is controlled mainly by gangs and houses a population that largely resides below the poverty line.
The government pretended to not be awful by describing it as an “acoustic barrier” so that year round residents wouldn’t have to deal with noise pollution. We don’t know much about the science of acoustics, but a 10-foot wall probably wouldn’t solve the noise problem anyway.
