The Alternative ESPYs

Our tribute to the dumbest show in sports.

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Image via Complex Original
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Contrary to good taste (and sense) the ESPYs continues to grow in popularity. At least that's what we assume when we see that, for the first time ever, they're airing it on ABC instead of ESPN. How and/or why anybody sits on the edge of their seat to see who is awarded the prize of "Best Male Athlete" or "Best Play" (hint: It's going to be Odell Beckham Jr.) is beyond us. And while there's no alternative viewing when it comes to big-time sports tonight (the only day of the year when that's true) there should be a second option to watching this most dreadfully self-aggrandizing of shit shows.

So here is our three-quarter-assed effort, the imaginatively titled Alternative ESPYs, a work that took us hours to put together, but you can probably burn through in less than five minutes. Without further ado, please enjoy the stories/awards that ESPN intentionally glossed over. It's our counter-salute to the dumbest night in sports.

Stupidest Injury of the Year by an NFL Player

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The Most Overhyped Story of the Year Award

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Biggest Twitter Gaffe by a Verified Team Account

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Nominees

1) Baltimore Ravens:

What role are we talking about here, exactly? Target?

2) Houston Rockets:



Funny to us. Not funny to the dude it got fired.

3) Seattle Seahawks:

Not everything ties together.

4) New England Patriots:

Here's hoping this was a mistake.

*Drum Roll*

Winner

Baltimore Ravens: This tweet actually occurred about a month earlier than the award window but seeing as how there were no Alternative ESPYs last year we'll allow it. Plus, we have carte blanche to pull rules out of our own asses.

Biggest Twitter Gaffe by an Individual

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Nominees

1) Duke Williams, Buffalo Bills:

Sends thirsty tweet to adult film star Mia Khalifa. She posts it. He says it's out of context. She posts longer version. Bad timing. Had this been revealed, like, literally two days later, we'd have rolled it over to next year and probably forgotten all about it.

2) Larry Nance Jr., Los Angeles Lakers:

It was posted three years ago, but came to light the night the two became teammates. First lesson for future ballers: When you're famous, Twitter is forever. Second lesson: 30-1 odds isn't exactly lightning striking.

3) Chipper Jones, Atlanta Braves (retired):



Chipper's explanation? "I had heard something from someone."

*Drum Roll*

Winner 

Chipper Jones: It's tempting to give into the recency effect and go with Williams, but frankly we don't find what he did too surprising. Instead we got to go with a future Hall of Famer who went completely off his rocker.

Postseason Dud of the Year

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Worst Display of Athleticism (College Football)

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Nominees

1) Jameis Winston, Florida State:


"With the No. 1 overall pick in the NFL Draft, the Tampa Bay Buccaneers select..."

2) Trevone Boykin, TCU:

This year's early Heisman favorite gets bailed out by an offsides, as SMU misses their shot at two points. Momentum swings the other way, and the Mustangs go on to lose 56-0.

3) Brian Gala, Penn State:

You have got to have the biggest balls in the world to stand in the backfield behind these guys.


4) Booker Mays, Arkansas State:

Gee, who would have thought a play inspired by a fainting goat could fail?

*Drum Roll*

Winner 

Jameis Winston, Florida State:
 We have no doubt that this play is when the Bucs knew once and for all that they had their guy.

The JaVale McGee Memorial Award For Worst Display of Athleticism by a Professional Athlete

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Nominees

1) Brandon Knight, Milwaukee Bucks:

Indecision leads to derision.

2) Evan Dietrich-Smith, Tampa Bay Buccaneers:


Would you believe this was the third most successful play of Tampa's season? It wasn't...but they were fucking bad.

3) Tiger Woods:

Remember when "Tiger or the field?" was a reasonable question?

4) Alexey Shved, New York Knicks:

The saddest part is how unfazed the rest of the team appears. As if this was just normal for the Knicks.

5) Ryan Raburn, Cleveland Indians:


Indians outfielder lets loose a throw that'd make 50 Cent scoff. Final score? Royals: 2, Indians: 1. So yeah, this turned out to be costly.

6) Spencer Lanning, Cleveland Browns:


(a) He's a punter.

(b) You try looking athletic when someone jump kicks you in the face.

(c) He's a punter.

7) Gregory Polanco, Pittsburgh Pirates:

 

Trips over an invisible cat, loses game for the Pirates.

*Drum Roll*

Winner

Gregory Polanco, Pittsburgh Pirates:
 Just watch that again.

Best MLB Player (Who Has Previously Been Suspended For PEDs)

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Story We Wish Would Go Away But People Keep Clicking On Them

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Extremely Painful Looking Weightlifting Blooper of the Year

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Nominees

1) Genesis Rodriguez Gomez, Pan Am Games:


Good news: Not dead. Bad news: Silver medal.

2) Unknown, Gym:

The best place to pass out is a place surrounded with heavy steel and iron.

3) Unknown, Gym:

Literal drop set.

*Drum Roll*

Winner

Genesis Rodriguez Gomez: 
She won the silver medal at the Pan Am Games. That's something. To be honest, we're not even sure if these other two are alive.

Trainwreck of the Year

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Nominees

1) The New York Knicks: From the season, to the lottery, to the collective draft night reaction of a fan base in distress. Even if you're losing hope, just keep repeating "In Phil we trust, In Phil we trust, In Phil we trust..."


2) Los Angeles Lakers: Swap coasts to the country's second-biggest market to find a similarly disappointing team. Their loss of Steve Nash to a career-ending back injury before the year was an extremely painful (for Nash, anyway) omen. Then they finished 21-61, to end up 46 games behind first place Golden State. After their waste of one of Kobe's twilight years, they cleared cap space to land Kevin Love, DeAndre Jordan, LaMarcus Aldridge​ Lou Williams. Their free agent pitch was apparently all wrong. But, then again, who could've predicted this Adam Levine tweet would flop?


3) The Oakland Raiders: You may wonder how the Bucs aren't our NFL rep, but their extraordinarily lousy division kept them alive in the NFC South after Thanksgiving. Oakland became one of only two teams to go winless on the road, got outscored by 199 points (worst in the NFL) and tried (and failed) to turn an 0-10 start into an 0-11 with an inexplicable celebration 15 yards behind the line of scrimmage while on defense during a game-winning drive attempt:


*Drum Roll*

Winner

The Knicks: 
When you play in the nation's largest market, you're often faced with outrageous expectations. However, playing up to the level of a high school team isn't one of them. Neither is coming within 20 games of the eight-seed in the shittier of the two conferences. Special acknowledgments are also deserved for their 16-game losing streak (that lasted over a month) and somehow, someway becoming the only team in the lottery to finish out of order when they dropped from the second pick to the fourth.

The O.J. Award for Villain of the Year

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Biggest Waste of (Your) Time

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