Imagine it's the year 2017. Kobe Bryant has just retired from the Los Angeles Lakers after grinding out two seasons alongside new teammate Rajon Rondo, who he might've attempted to kill during the 2016-2017 season, but nobody can really prove it. You're a 16-year-old L.A. brat with a fresh new Range Rover who stinks of various body spray scents.
Kobe's your hero, and because of that fact, you've been courting his 14-year-old daughter, Natalia. To mask that truth, you've completely hidden all hints of Lakers fandom from Natalia, who, for whatever reason, likes you (according to fourth period cafeteria gossip, anyway). One day after school, Natalia asks for a ride home. This is it.
You nervously start the Range, and she begins giving directions back to the Bryant household. You pull up the driveway, and Kobe's standing right there, in the driveway. He's doing his "Black Mamba Face":
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As Natalia hops out the passenger side, you begin to fumble some sort of casual "Hi Mr. Bryant," and eventually, you blurt, "KOBE I LOVE YOU." Natalia makes a stank face.
Kobe remains stern. "Drive my daughter again, and I'll assume you've kidnapped her. You don't want me tracking you down," he says. "You're dismissed," he finishes, before grabbing Natalia's hand and taking her inside. You appropriately shit yourself, and cry on the drive home.
That exact scenario is about to happen dozens of times. Talking to Yahoo's The Insider, Kobe was asked about how he plans on handling his daughter's ascent into teenage life. Kobe has two daughters—12-year-old Natalia and 9-year-old Gianna—and he doesn't plan on letting them run around L.A. like a Jenner child.
"What age can she start dating? When she's married," Bryant told The Insider. "We still don't know what came first, the chicken or the egg right? I mean, she can date when she's married."
Ironically, that's what exactly Kobe did too.
He continued by laying out his plans for Natalia, which apparently includes an arranged marriage: "I'm going to arrange it, it's just going to be when she's married, which by definition means she can't date."
Watch the above video for more of Kobe's interview, and catch the entire segment tonight on The Insider.
Send all complaints, compliments, and tips to sportstips@complex.com.
[via The Insider]
