How to Drink Your Way Through the 2014 NFL Draft

Image via Complex Original

Assuming you're still sticking around in the sixth round (And if you are, good God, what is wrong with you?) you're bound to have a host kill some airtime by pondering the annual hypothetical "Who is this year's Tom Brady?" And by that of course they mean: What guy, still available, looks like an average schlub at your local gym, but is going to surprise everyone by winning three titles wifing one of the world's biggest supermodels?

We have no idea what dividing 130 by 1 or knowing which month is the seventh of the year has to do with football. But it's still funny to see which incoming players got into college with fifth grade educations.

This is where Chris Berman earns his paycheck. His 34 straight Drafts have been filled with hours upon hours of dead air and straining to kill time before the podium is approached. When you hear him start to reference Legos, you know it's time to hit the bottle.

Well that, or change the damn channel.

This is the guy who set himself up for failure by going to New York City, and has now become the face of disappointment. There are two ways you can go from here: You can go the Aaron Rodgers route, and use that chip on your shoulder to become the top QB in the NFL. Or, you can go the Brady Quinn route and...well, you know how that worked out.

Today's players step their game up from the moment they sign an agent. And with 30 players heading to the Big Apple, the opportunity to see some suit variety skyrockets (as does the idea of players sitting around waiting for their names to be called). While most players will prefer to keep it simple, there is still an occasional RG3 outlier. One thing's for sure: The days of playing Nintendo in jorts are over.

Unfortunately.

It's the hit you've seen a thousand times. A sonic boom so massive that everybody who even saw it got short-term memory loss. Jadeveon Clowney's stick of Michigan's Vincent Smith is the most frequently replayed college clip since Stanford's band director said "Fuck it, it's the bands time to shine," and sent his disciples out when the game was still going. This means you can expect to see Clowney's legendary shot at least a dozen more times by the end of the weekend.

He's days away from becoming the first openly gay player in NFL history. Michael Sam has been frequently talked about since he publicly came out three months ago. In even the wildest scenarios he's not a Day One pick. But we expect your bender to continue well into the weekend, and by Saturday we expect the "Is this the pick Michael Sam finally gets chosen?" storyline to be a dominant theme.

You've heard it so many times that nobody would blame you if you thought that's what it said on his actual birth certificate. The NCAA's most exciting player has become a nonstop media circus, and we expect you to take it out on your liver. What better way is there to honor a guy who's known to make a few bad decisions from time-to-time?

We were thinking about having you down a shot of tequilia every time the two were on-screen together. But really, it's the same thing. Mel Kiper and Todd McShay will do their thing: Argue over the arm slot of a 22-year-old without a hint of levity. After that, they'll retreat backstage where they'll be frozen in time only to be thawed out for next year's draft.

Or, as it's known by it's street label: Keystone Light. If you prefer NFL Network over ESPN then Mike Mayock's your "insider." And though it's refreshing to see a commentator who isn't afraid to criticize, Mike Mayock also knows who the king is and that's Mike Mayock. Anytime he says "I" that counts and (spoiler alert) he's going to say that a lot. Thankfully, you'll be drinking something a little more watered down for this one. 

Still, this'll be a real test.

He's been the most talked about name since last year's draft, so you know today is going to be overkill. He also has the athleticism of Spider-Man and Carl Lewis combined. He's 6'6", 250 lbs., and ran a 4.53 forty.

So yeah, we have a pretty good hunch this subject will be mentioned.

"When you're good at something, never do it for free." That's what Joker said in The Dark Knight and then later he burned a Great Pyramid of Lincolns just to be a dick. While we didn't necessarily follow his whole "hospital blowing up" philosophy, we did understand where he was going with the "No free labor" thing. We're not 100 percent certain that's what Clowney was thinking last year, but it would explain why his freakish skills only translated to three sacks against amateurs.

His motor/work ethic/third cliche, is the only knock against him and wall-to-wall Draft coverage will definitely broach this topic numerous times to avoid the dreaded silence of dead air.

NFL lineman are eyebrow raisingly huge. You combine their sumo-level mass with their 4.7 40s, and you better believe you're going to have a concussion problem. Every conceivable "flaw" is used against incoming prospects, and the tiniest mistake can cause a loss of millions. Drinking ticket in college? Character problem, drop two rounds. Small hands? Future fumbler, drop two rounds. Small penis? Confidence problem, drop two rounds.

Whereas you look at a 285 lb. man (above) and see a human RV, an NFL exec. sees him as a potential liability. Of course, Aaron Donald did rep 35 times on the bench at the combine, but that still won't stop him from being labeled "Undersized." We use him as the face of the cliche, but somebody else will have to be this year's Elvis Dumervil as Donald will likely be a first rounder.

It's a harsh and cold reality to realize your college stats mean precisely dick if you lack big hands, wingspan, a plus 40-time, etc. The NFL is about molding freaks of nature and whether or not they can play football, that doesn't really matter. "Wingspan" doesn't really get brought up too frequently outside of the bubble that watches NFL Network year-round. But it's the type of crap an "insider," will love, even if it turns the rest of us off.

The elephant in the room is that the range of alcohol necessary to fulfill this list will have your living room table looking like a bar shelf, and set you back a pretty penny. But the other elephant in the room is that following every single one of these rules will almost certainly kill you, so who really cares about debt? When Rich Eisen inevitably mentions Johnny Manziel and Drake in the same sentence, go bottoms-up one last time and then collapse through a glass table. 

Also, don't actually do that.