The 8-Hour WWE Network Diary

Image via Complex Original

I settled down with my healthy first snack which was a combination of kale, spinach and beet juice, basically drinking dirt., The wrestling gods decided my first hour of viewing would be Royal Rumble '92. It's like my personal version of the Mario Test from A Bronx Tale. I make girls I date watch this and judge their emotional investment in Ric Flair's quest for WWF gold. One of my ex's fell asleep during this epic showdown and a month later she was handed her walking papers.

I wanted to share my favorite/best booked Rumble of all time. We will never see another Rumble like this again. We all know the winner gets a title shot at WrestleMania, but in 1992, things were a bit different. The winner would be crowned champion; the WWF Title was vacant due to controversy from the 1991 Survivor Series between Undertaker, Hulk Hogan and Ric Flair. For one, the roster for this rumble was Ric Flair, Hulk Hogan, Sid Justice, Randy Savage, Sgt. Slaughter, Roddy Piper, Rick Martel and Kerry Von Eric just to name a few. Heenan and Monsoon were amazing on this commentary, they did a fantastic job putting Flair over. Heenan kept repeating the phrase unfair to Flair—I still pop for that line.

Flair's performance was remarkable, as he entered the match at number three of 30 and wrestled for an hour. Slick Ric always referred to himself as the 60-minute man and him winning the Rumble at number three really says a lot. Flair was the first non-Vince guy to win the WWF championship. How can somebody say this isn't the greatest rumble of all time? The ending was always awkward but worked. The final four were Hulk Hogan, Ric Flair, Sid Justice and Randy Savage aka the fucking best of the best.. Savage gets eliminated first. Hogan gets Flair over the top rope but Sid sneaks up and ELIMINATES Hogan! And the crowd cheered. The fans finally got tired of his gimmick and tyrannical "win-everything" behavior.

Anyway Flair eliminates Sid Justice with outside assistance from Hogan, who for being the baby face looked like a sore loser. Bobby Heenan's head explodes with joy and runs to the back to celebrate with Flair. After the match a bunch of referees separate Hogan and Sid as they were trying to set up the very boring main event for WrestleMania VIII. I didn't like how Hogan spoiled Flairs moment, The Nature Boy never had the opportunity to celebrate in the ring. I had Flair as a guest on my radio show and asked him about this. Flair said he never really thought about it because he was so over-joyed being the WWF champion. In the back, WWF President Jack Tunney presents the WWF title to Ric Flair.

"Mean" Gene starts the interview and Flair is nothing but magic, calling WWF Championship the only title in the world. There/s a shit load of WOOOOO's and Bobby Heenan and Mr. Perfect are money. I never understood why Mean Gene yells out put the cigarette out and has a disgusted look on his face, maybe because he loved him some Hogan.

I switched to the network app on my iPad during Sunday dinner, to be semi-social with my family. In an Italian household its very sacrilegious to not pay attention to family banter especially during Sunday dinner, but I was watching Bret Hart vs. Shawn Michaels (part of the Greatest Rivalries Documentary) so I guess that got me the free pass. This entry has nothing to do with the Rivalries documentary, though. Everyone knows the story of the "Montreal Screwjob" and how bitter and angry Bret was with the WWE and Shawn Michaels. Why its such a compelling watch is because HBK and The Hitman were finally face to face. My family and I reminisced about the time Bret Hart was in Staten Island.

The year was 1992, I was nine and my brother Vincent was six, and on one very hot summer day Bret the Hitman Hart was signing autographs at the Showplace bowling alley. My mom had a bad case of bronchitis and could hardly breath, she was in no mood to wait on a long line to meet this wrestler but my mom is an old school italian lady, when she makes a promise she keeps it. So when dad came home we went. Luckily we found a parking space in the back of the alley but it didn't matter because the line wrapped around the corner and it wasn't moving. We were waiting for like a solid hour and I had to pee bad. So I run to the alley to wiz behind the dumpster, my Mom starts to yell my name "Emilio, Emilio" the people standing on line waiting to meet Bret mistook her for saying "There he goes, there he goes" so they all start charging to the back. "All I'm thinking of is my son Emilio getting trampled by this crowd, I leave Vincent with my husband and start running like I was in a marathon out of breath and all. I bypassed the crowd and caught up with Emilio him screaming I want to meet Bret now by this time all I wanted to do was go home. I yelled to my son: 'I don't give a FUCK about Bret Hart.'

All of a sudden I see this huge muscle guy next to me, I look up and it's none other than Bret." says my Mom. Now the crowd catches up all I still remember my mom being pushed and shuffed in all directions, cameras going off, and she almost landed inside the trunk of the car in which Bret came to the appearance in. Well needless to say my brother and me met our hero , and so did my parents.

Bret Hart was very nice and very personable but the ironic ending to this story is that if we would just sat in our car we would have met Bret without all the craziness. He was parked right next to us.

The combination of Sunday dinner, kale, spinach and beet juice ran through my bowels so after a lengthy multi-wipe bathroom break (I washed my hands) I decided empty bowels and WrestleMania VII would give me the ultimate sense of accomplishment on this lazy Sunday. The two main feuds entering WrestleMania VII were between Hulk Hogan and WWF Champion Sgt. Slaughter and The Ultimate Warrior and "Macho King" Randy Savage.

While Savage and Warrior stole the show, the blindfold match between Jake Roberts and Rick Martel comes in at a close second as one of the best matches on a forgettable card. Jake was blinded by Martel's "Arrogance perfume" atomizer. Prior to the Blindfold Match, Roberts cut a creepy whispering promo saying snakes have a sixth sense. Why after all these years does this match have replay value? Good suspense. The suspense was overwhelming; the match realistically had three or four wrestling moves but it also had great psychology, which Jake Roberts is a master of. Both Roberts and Martel really played to the crowd. Jake points towards Martel, the crowd cheers loudly if he was headed in the right direction and they booed if he wasn't near Martel. I can't think of any other match that had such impact in such a short time.

The crowd was into it because it was a hot feud. In fact, that blindfold match may be their greatest contribution to WWE. I do enjoy the feud between Rick Rude and Jake Roberts as well but this type of over is just amazing. I would like to add that WrestleMania VII was the last WWF appearance of Andre The Giant, and the last time that Bobby "The Brain" Heenan would manage on a WWF pay-per-view.

So after I realized Heenan would soon jump to WCW and this was Andre's last WWF appearance before his death. I got melancholy, I decided to cope by having a croissant. It helped quill the sadness. What can I say, flaky pastries are a spirit picker upper. To regain my masculinity, I went on a Sid Vicious kick and watched a ton of his work. I'll ignore his latter WCW stuff as it wasn't my cup of tea. Three weeks ago I got into a verbal argument with a muscular fellow at the gym about Sid's work in WCW.

The idiot liked his Millennium Man gimmick, I pretentiously insulted "no neck" and put him on to the '96 Survivor Series. That particular Survivor Series has two of my favorite matches. Stone Cold vs Bret Hart and Shawn Michaels vs. Psycho Sid for the WWF Championship. I wasn't amazed at the match but what makes this a favorite of mine was Sid being the crowd favorite. Cities like NYC, Boston, Philadelphia and Chicago tend to cheer for the heels. I think most of the cheers Sid received that night at Madison Square Garden were from anti-HBK and pro-Bret Hart fans. I think its due to Sid's "less is more" approach. Say what you will about Sid's in-ring ability, dude was crazy over.

This match also shows the greatness that is Shawn Michaels. HBK could carry a broomstick to an awesome match and make it look good. A buddy of mine wrestled Sid at an indy show, he said Sid was very nice and while sharing a lengthy car ride with Sid, my buddy soon realized that Sid's crazy gimmick wasn't an act. He told a story about a backstage altercation between Sid, Brian Pillman and a squeegee being used as a weapon.

The John Cena fandom started, at WrestleMania XX. This Mania made me a wrestling fan again. My absence started after WrestleMania X-7, shocking I know. It was a dark period in the life of Emilio Sparks. Funny story. I was dating this crazy girl at the time and stupidly decided to break up with her four hours before WrestleMania XX. Besides the chick being bat-shit loony, the last straw was purposely getting us lost in Jersey causing me to miss the entire live PPV.

I was newly single, and watched the replay alone, feeling like the weight of the world lifted. I was amazed that Cena was that dude. The throwback jerseys, the freestyles, I was stunned to see a face using chicanery to win his matches. Big Show kicks out on the first FU, Cena hits Show with brass knuckles behind the referee's back to win the United States title. I think this was the last time Madison Square Garden would unanimously cheer John Cena. This would be Cena's first title as a WWE Superstar.

The following year at Wrestlemania 21, Cena would win his first WWE Heavyweight Championship. Years later I interviewed the rapper Murs, I told him that the remix to his song Hustler featuring John Cena was the final nail that cemented my John Cena fandom. If you haven't I suggest you google the video, "and John Cena's the kid, that go through hell for a cell." What?

Before I choose what I was going to watch next, I decided to eat. I couldn't decide on the leftover lentils with linguine or a grilled cheese. I choose the lentils with linguine and it was the right decision. For some reason I made a connection that WrestleMania X-7 and lentils with linguine was a nice pairing. WrestleMania X-7, is arguably known as the best WrestleMania ever. This event was the second time that the WrestleMania main event featured The Rock and Steve Austin for the WWF Championship. WrestleMania X-7 is often noted as the end of The Attitude Era.

For me it would be the last Mania/WWF-related program I wouldn't watch for three years. Seeing the show end with McMahon and Austin shaking hands and sharing beers, turned me off to watching wrestling. I know its all part of the plan but it was a let down. Although, an Austin heel turn would've been interesting, the fans weren't ready for it. Once Vince McMahon came to the ringside you knew there was some sort of shenanigans taking place. After a stunner and a kick out by Rocky, McMahon handed Austin a steel chair; you knew it was an Austin heel turn and meant the end of something special, wrestling at this time was larger than life.

It didn't get bigger than Rock vs. Austin. Him turning heel went so hard against the grain that it just didn't work and fans knew it wouldn't work and it was only a matter of the time that we got the old Stone Cold back. Its like the equivalent of a comic book story where one superhero is under a spell or being mind controlled to fight other heroes which is fun for about five minutes. The money is in the hero being a hero not being a villain for vague reasons that are never quite explained.

The only lasting thing about any of Austin's time as a heel was that it gave birth to his forever promo altering "What!?" pauses. Austin is an enigma, plus I had no interest in the whole invasion angle, with the purchase of WCW and ECW. I know I missed a ton of stuff at that moment because some of the storylines were done real well. But WrestleMania X- 7 was a great send off for me.

During my seventh hour I realized I had zero documentation on Macho Man Randy Savage. I decided to watch a full hour of the Madness. Hulk Hogan had no foil longer than two years. Piper, Orndorff, and Andre, were great at attempting to thwart Hulkamania but Savage was the quintessential bad guy for Hogan.

When Michael Jackson passed away, I read tweets from people saying a part of them died with Michael's passing. I say fuck that, when Macho Man Randy Savage passed away my childhood died (not really, but for the conviction of the entry let's say it did. I still have Sly Stallone alive and kicking when that unfortunate day happens then the ALL memories of my childhood shall turn to dust.) So my ADD went into overdrive.

I had a network with tons of Macho Man Randy Savage content. There are tons of Macho matches I could choose from. I watched his match with Steamboat at WrestleMania 3, I watched his match with Flair at WrestleMania 8, and the retirement match with Ultimate Warrior. But the moment that solidified his superstar status was Wrestlemania V. The WWF spent an ENTIRE YEAR building up one match, the main event titled THE MEGA POWERS EXPLODE.

The hype began at Wrestlemania IV when the Macho Man won the World Title tournament, with an assist from former champion: Hulk Hogan. Winning the championship cemented Savage as the No. 2 baby face (good guy) in the company, but it was on that night that the seeds were planted for his heel turn (the villain). After Savage's championship victory, Hogan, Macho and Macho's "bae" Miss Elizabeth were filled with joy, and while caught up in the moment, Hulkster hoisted Liz up high on his shoulder.

This is where Macho felt some type of way. The camera zoomed onto Savage to capture a reaction of sheer disgust. He looked at Hogan with rage and jealousy. But Savage shrugged it off and celebrated alongside the Hulkster. This would be the first of many subtle hints that were dropped, before Savage finally snapped and lost his shit in a tag team match pitting himself and Hogan against the Twin Towers (Akeem & The Big Boss Man.) Macho Man accidentally ran into Miss Elizabeth as he was thrown out of the ring and Hogan came to her aid. Randy didn't appreciate Hogan carrying his lady backstage.

Hogan would go onto win the match all by himself, because back then that's just what Hulk Hogan would do, but a crazed Savage would then attack the Hulkster back stage while Liz was being checked on by the medics. That's where Savage said some real shit that made me feel like I was in the same situation. He felt Hogan eyes was lusting for his woman. This would set the stage for perhaps my favorite Hogan Wrestlemania match.

Re-watching that match made me realize that the year build up was the reason why I think its one of Savage's most complete works in the WWF. The May of 2011 was a strange month for me. My ex broke up with me via text message, I had a threesome with a lesbian and her girlfriend on my birthday, then Macho Man dies on a day that I will forever call Black Friday.

Eight hours of nothing but wrestling starts to becomes the same thing. You tend to get sucked into the rabbit hole and time vanishes. I felt something was missing during my eighth hour. I needed to take a quick five-minute break to refresh, make some trail mix, and place what it was I felt was missing. With my trail mix prepared I went into my living room to ask my dad what I should watch. He was watching the first Lethal Weapon. I walked in when Garey Busey was on screen. I said to my dad If Gary Busey did steroids he would pass as The Ultimate Warrior.

That was the wrestling gods telling me to watch the Warrior shake the ropes, pound his chest and watch him yell about genocide, rocket fuel and gypsies. I never understood why the Warrior was such a dynamic character who created a draw amongst fans. When you're a kid, I get it, he's wild, crazy, has makeup, huge hair, an insane body, colorful costumes, and he was the first guy to ever change the colors of the straps on the titles to match his clothing. Yes he was great! He actually made kids (myself included) feel like they were little warriors, and that he drew his strength/power from us, almost as if he was superhuman. And let's not forgot about the promos. I totally believe Kanye West watches Warrior promos before he goes on a rant. The cadence is eerily similar. Much like 'Ye, Warrior speaks about his mythology that has long been written in scripture or a coke fueled ramble that adult Sparks still gets a good laugh at.

As I look back now, and think about him and his long overdue induction into Hall of Fame, I can't help but to be reminded of his in-ring technique. He was not the greatest. Though I am a fan to the death, he really couldn't carry a match for shit. He did the same routine, four moves, clothesline, shoulder tackle, a gorilla press, and the big splash to pin his opponents. The Warrior was the greatest at allowing other superstars show their skill and talent in the ring, because they used everything they had to make him look incredible as a performer. As I look at this and realize it now, it has that same disappointment as kids have when they wake up that first Christmas morning after their childhood to realize Santa was made up! The matches I chose were matches of importance.

Whether it was for the Intercontinental Championship, the World Championship, retirement stipulations or whatever. Both men in any of these Warrior matches were huge draws. Huge names were the best at what they did at that exact moment in time, and knew that either they were a huge reason the people bought the pay-per-view or a ticket. Hogan and Warrior at WrestleMania VI was the type of match all fans wanted to see because you truly didn't know who would win and it was two of the biggest faces in WWE at the time. It will probably go down in history as one of the best big man matches of all time in professional wrestling.

Savage and Warrior at WrestleMania VII was the same thing, and the finish with Elizabeth and Sheri was so unexpected it made for such a great moment and put Savage over even though he lost. No one remembers Warrior's win but everyone remembers Savage reuniting with Elizabeth. Again this was a huge draw which in turn stole the show. Guys like Randy Savage and Rick Rude understood that they had to elevate themselves by leading and carrying those matches, and did their job even though they knew Warrior wasn't as good as them.

That's all you needed them to do because people just wanted to see the tackle, press slam, and splash.

Much like Joe DiMaggio's 56-game hit streak, The Undertaker's 21-year winning streak at WrestleMania was part of the very fabric that made WrestleMania the holy grail of wrestling spectacles. The Streak, as it has been named, is long considered one of the few untouchable records in professional wrestling. Yes, streaks in professional wrestling are silly, we all know this, but like everything else in professional wrestling our belief in reality is always suspended and we just accept the utterly ridiculous knowing it's all a part of the show.

So it came to be that The Undertaker's two decade run was so inexplicably great that, even when a possible threat might have been within striking distance, it seemed almost impossible. Unless The Undertaker, real name Mark Calaway, has terminal cancer that the viewers are not aware of, the decision to end the streak really angered most fans. Personally, I can understand their frustration over the now 21-1 record. Many feel that the company should have instead had The Undertaker beat by a promising star who deserved a push, one that is actually going to stay in the company for an extended period of time. But who are we kidding? The WWE has an A-plus roster of talent but who can pose such a threat to take the streak, John Cena? John Cena's own legacy is already cemented he doesn't need the streak rub.

The Undertaker lost to someone that is an actual fighter. Brock Lesner is one of the only men in the company that has been an actual professional fighter, in fact he's a former UFC champion. People already know he can kick anyone's ass and is a legitimate tough guy. If there's one guy that doesn't need the rub from taking the streak it's Brock Lesner. Brock gains no extra accolades and becomes no bigger a draw by being the one that ended the streak. From a fan's standpoint it's disappointing to see The Undertaker lose in this fashion. Re-watching that match, it feels as if the Undertaker was barely there. Brock did nothing to hide any of The Undertaker's fatigue and Calaway looked like a 49-year-old man who now moves like a grandfather.

To be completely honest, The Undertaker has been in the twilight of his career for some time. The reactions I saw on social media mostly seem to feel that The Undertaker does not have another year or two left in him. He was barely able to get Brock in the tombstone. It's important to remember that nothing lasts forever, and wrestlers traditionally end their careers with a loss. The Undertaker is as old-school as it gets and values certain long gone traditions. Most fans, including myself, were expecting an epic clash with another legend like Sting, but now WWE can do Sting vs Undertaker and the storyline for it could actually be better without the cloud of the streak hovering over the match and the need to shoehorn that into Sting's motives for taking on The Undertaker.

The mystique is dead now he's just another aging legend with an act that we all know to a T. The Streak had to end we just wish it ended on a better note.

I wanted to keep this closely associated to my childhood and teens. Much respect to the wrestling of the past, but I don't have any investment in watching Bruno Sammartino doing rest holds for 30 minutes. Like I said earlier...I wasn't a huge fan of WCW. Not because I didn't like the product; I just didn't know WCW existed until my adolescence.

So my association when reviewing the WWE Network was more WWF-based content from my past. The WWE Network's pay-per-view video on demand library really is detailed and has a ton of hidden gems. It really does have a Netflix-like feel. There's that awesome "what is playing currently" 24/7 stream of programming, followed by the upcoming show on the lower left hand corner, and this is great when you don't have a specific match. You can watch this network as if it were regular TV. The easy search option was utilized for the marathon.

I typed in what wrestler, or show, and match I wanted to see and the search options took me there, and offered much more content related to that search field. Some stuff did not exist but the Network is not even a month old, so it's expected that older programming has yet to be updated. For all the positive the WWE Network has, there were some negatives. There are no old episodes of Superstars, Prime Time Wrestling, or Tuesday Night Titans. I would love to see that stuff again. I like the creative spin for the Monday Night Raw and Friday Night Smackdown pre-and-post shows creating further storylines. Speaking of Monday Night Raw, there are only two episodes from the Attitude Era that are searchable. The network does do a RAW Flashback, but they're aired sporadically.

The Attitude Era brought a whole new audience to wrestling and made it cool to watch wrestling, but Jesus Christ that era is a pain to watch outside of the Rock and Steve Austin angles. I had to fast forward through a ton of fluff content like Tom Brandi vs Marc Mero, content that clearly does not stand the test of time. I want WCW NItro as well. There were many great editions of that show, especially when they would spoil the RAW ending during the Monday Night Wars. I hope the WWE will upload those as well as do new Legends of Wrestling panel discussions. For only $9.99 a month via a six-month commitment, consumers will receive all 12 WWE Pay-Per-Views streaming live starting with WrestleMania 30 that aired this past weekend, plus an abundance of content available for viewing.

Among the 100,000-plus hours of wrestling programs available are episodes of NXT and Superstars, a pre-show and post-show of Raw and Smackdown, original shows (Legends' House, Countdown, WrestleMania Rewind), a daily live studio show, and past pay-per-views from WWE, WCW, and ECW. The WWE Network is worth every penny. Wrestling had become a huge coping mechanism after my relationship ended, and certain aspects of my life weren't going in the direction I had hoped.

Professional Wrestling was definitely a form of escapism. But that escape lead to a passion that has lead me here which is on the horizon of turning 31 years old, living in a bedroom in my parents house, eating my mother's cooking, having a part-time job with full-time responsibilities, and still reliving my youth via a subscription to a service I really can't afford.