This article goes out to the 10 percent. No, I’m not talking to those in the highest tax bracket or those accepted to law school. I’m talking to the truly privileged. According to my research (read: Wikipedia), 25.8 million Americans play fantasy football each year. But of those many millions who suit up on the virtual gridiron, only a select few (let’s call them The Truly Great) emerge as champions.
If you’re still reading I’m going to assume you fall into this corps d’elite. First, congratulations. You watched the waiver wire. You pored over injury reports and parsed through Bill Belichick’s cryptic B.S. You even took a pass on picking your favorite player for that sleeper wide receiver who never quite panned out. It wasn’t easy. It took discipline. But it paid off.
Yet the struggle isn’t over. Heavy hangs the head that wears the crown. Now, a new challenge arises: how to handle your victory like a true gentleman (or, at the very least, without being insufferable).
To offer advice on this subject, I am, in a sense, the least qualified person. No, not because I lack gentlemanly qualities. No, I’m unqualified because I suck at fantasy football. I’ve perfected losing. I’ve lost in every possible way: I’ve lost in championship games, and I’ve lost every game. Not once have I entered the Promised Land to which you belong.
In another sense, though, to this task a loser like me couldn’t be better suited. In my countless years of loss and lamentation, I have encountered champions of all types, from modest mavens to those who make Yeezy look demure. With that experience to call on, I offer 10 tips for handling your fantasy football victory like a gentleman.