Predicting the Rest of the NFL Playoffs Based on Last Night's Season Premiere of "Girls"

Because Marnie's character arc is basically the Patriots' season retold.

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Opinions about the HBO show Girls are like Beyonce think pieces: everyone's got one, and the vast, vast majority of them suck like industrial strength Dysons. "She gets naked too much." "HOW DARE YOU SAY SHE GETS NAKED TOO MUCH." "There aren't any people of color on the show." "Eh, it's about hipster white chicks in Williamsburg, the fuck do you expect?" It all gets very tiring, and obscures one elemental fact: Girls is a really fun show. It's probably not going to change the world, but it's not a sign of humanity's imminent demise either. And you can totally use its plot lines to predict who will win the Super Bowl.

Oh, please don't pretend you didn't notice that, for the second year in a row, a Girls season premiere aired on the Sunday of the NFL's Divisional Playoff weekend (a.k.a. the best weekend of the NFL season). And don't even try to front like this is the first time you realized how the Ravens' run to the Lombardi trophy totally mirrored how Marnie almost magically got back together with Charlie by the end of the season.

This season and these playoffs should be no different. How does one look at Shoshanna and not think that's totally the 49ers struggle? Are the Broncos not one of the best teams in the league...and the NFL's Hannah? Rob Gronkowski is clearly the Charlie to Tom Brady's Marnie, too. Hundreds of pieces written about Girls and not one of them predicted Lena Dunham was actually retelling the four remaining teams' story up until this point. Tsk Tsk Tsk. The only difference? A couple of digits in that bank account.

If the last two seasons were the build up until now, then the season premiere may very well predict what's in store for the last four teams. Hannah is back with Adam, Shoshanna is out here getting it on on bunk beds, Marnie is dumped and staying with her mother, and Jessa puts her tongue on the wrong place and gets kicked out of rehab. Check out what this all means for next weekend on Predicting the Rest of the NFL Playoffs Based on Last Night's Season Premiere of Girls.

(Side note: Mad Men's final season will probably predict the NBA playoffs.)

The 49ers are....Shoshanna

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The Seahawks are...Jessa

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The Patriots are...Marnie

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The Broncos are...Hannah

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Prediction

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Conference Championship

Patriots (Marnie) at Broncos (Hannah)

The Patriots empowered themselves with a revived run game to take down the Colts, but it's worth noting that Indy was No. 26 in rushing defense this season. The Broncos are another beast with the sixth ranked rushing defense, so there's a chance New England has to return to being a passing team. When that happens, there's also a chance Brady is going to miss Gronkowski (like you know who and you know who). With similar struggles, could the Patriots be the ones left out of that car ride to New Jersey come Super Bowl time? Who's to say (except Lena Dunham), but we'd take the one that's coupled up, happy, and not sleeping in a Rainbow Brite blanket. Broncos and Manning are the gridiron's Adam and Hannah, and they'll be the ones flourishing this Sunday.

49ers (Shoshanna) at Seahawks (Jessa)

You wouldn't be wrong to pick Seattle at home in this one, but San Francisco is on that eight-game winning streak. The Seahawks did take care of business with the Saints but didn't look infallible in recent weeks, losing two of their last four regular season games. Plus:

They can lose at home. Jessa may have looked like she's gotten her way by getting a ride home from rehab, but she does have to grow up eventually. On the other hand, Shoshanna's transition to season three has been much smoother. It's a weird mind she has, but at least it's on straight. Jim Harbaugh's is slightly more murderous, but he's been to three straight NFC Championships for a reason. Shoshanna's doing college and Jessa doesn't even have a job. San Francisco for the win.

Super Bowl

49ers vs. Broncos

It comes down to this: When things get crazy, would you rather put your faith in Hannah or the person who has a favorite utensil and obsesses over Sex and the City? Peyton Manning threw the game-clinching interception in his last Super Bowl appearance and has a losing postseason record, but would you really rather have Kaepernick at your side? Plus, there's just so many weapons: Knowshon Moreno, Julius Thomas, Eric Decker. Hannah and the Broncos have a lot more to lose, too. The former has that e-book deal, Adam, and possibly her mind as seen last season; Manning has his legacy, a number of corporate sponsors, and the hopes of a fanbase that's endured a 15-year drought without a championship. Shoshanna is just exploring her sexual freedom as a college student, while the young Kaepernick and third-year head coach Harbaugh can at least say they've been to the Super Bowl two straight times. The more experienced and focused Denver/Hannah should come out on top.

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