2014 Resolutions For Your Favorite Athletes

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Athlete: Aaron Hernandez

There's no telling how much news Aaron Hernandez gets from his jail cell, but if prison guards haven't warned him that his letters to the outside world keep leaking, and leaking, and leaking, then SMH. And if they have, then Hernandez is naive for still sending them. Each one is weirder than the next, with hand-drawn pictures of naked women and extra and unnecessary "LOL"s. 2014 could do well without Hernandez's pornographic artistry, internet speak, and headlines. Hopefully he's keeping his letter game down tight.

Athlete: Derrick Rose

Derrick Rose doesn't have to dive in head first and start taking robotic engineering classes TODAY or anything, but given his injuries, it might be wise to take up an interest in robots. Maybe it starts with a casual watch of I, Robot, then progresses into studious viewings of Robocop, the Star Wars trilogy, every Terminator movie, and even Transformers until Rose becomes the new Tony Stark. If Rose trades in ice packs for oil and metal polish in 2014, don't be too surprised. It might be the only way from becoming this generation's Penny Hardaway.

Athlete: AJ McCarron

If I'm AJ McCarron, my next big move isn't the NFL—it's locking down Katherine Webb. That woman is way too hot to be dating a potential 4th round pick. The moment he gets to the league and she starts running in NFL circles, she's gone. To preserve their relationship and to ward off any more deserving suitors, McCarron should join the Air Force. There's a lot of honor in being a military man, and it'll look great for any future McCarron 2028 campaigning (First Lady Katerine Webb would do wonders). More importantly, it ties Webb down. She can't dump AJ just because he's decided to become a fly boy and serve his country instead of pursuing NFL glory and riches.

Athlete: JR Smith

If there's any NBA player who needs a 2013 re-do, it's JR Smith. Nothing's been the same for Smith or the Knicks since he elbowed Jason Terry in the playoffs. Since then, he did his best to shoot the Knicks out of the Pacers series, had secret offseason knee surgery, got his younger brother a Knicks contract to the ire of fans everywhere, got busted for smoking pot, and is off to a fantastic 35 percent shooting start to the 2013-2014 season. But at least he's got 18 million ems though! Smith needs to smash his phone so those 2 AM "Greenhouse 2nit y/n?" texts and "where you at bae?" DMs don't reach him anymore. Defense over DMs, JR.

Athlete: Arjen Robben

Bayern Munich is the best soccer team in the world today. There's no debating that until someone figures out how to topple them in the Champions League. It's just so difficult to root for them though, because fucking Arjen Robben still roams the right wing of Allianz Arena. Robben is such a bitch that on his worst day, he makes Luis Suarez and Ashley Young look like patron saints. He's been cutting in onto his left foot to shoot for his entire career—he fools nobody when he does it—yet fullbacks still fall for it, and referees are quick to whistle for fouls when Robben goes down under minimal pressure. The Dutchman is a pariah, and the only part of Bayern keeping the world from loving an otherwise worthy team to love.

Athlete: Derek Jeter

Derek Jeter should take his 2013 season as a sign that it's time to move onto the next stage of his life. He played 17 games in 2013 and batted .190 as a 39-year-old, which was his most unproductive time in a Major League uniform since he was called up in 1995. Jeter fought off Father Time for about seven straight years, but it seems like the Reaper has finally come.

Luckily for Jeter, he's escaped his playing days without a wife, ex-wife, or child, so the rest of his life is wide open. He's still NYC's most eligible bachelor, still has his looks, and still has powers that only Derek Jeter can have. He has the potential to be baseball's George Clooney in every way, professionally and personally. The bachelor to end all bachelors, Clooney hasn't won an Academy Award for acting since 2006, but he did win an Oscar for producing 2012's Argo, and continues to be one of Hollywood's leading humanitarians. See where we're going here? Whether it's in a coaching, ambassadorial, or administrative role, Jeter should step out of the limelight in 2014.

Athlete: Tony Parker

2012 and 2013 were rough years for Tony Parker away from the basketball court. Fresh off a divorce from Eva Longoria (how TP had the mind to cheat on her is anyone's guess), he fucked up his eye after receiving the worst of Drake and Chris Brown's infamous bottle-throwing party at an NYC nightclub. Ouch. Some friends those guys are. Last summer, his extra-luxe club in San Antonio closed down, because people in San Antonio don't go to expensive clubs, and especially don't go to expensive clubs in strip malls.

He let his brothers Pierre and TJ run the business into the ground, and lost unspeakable sums of money for a normal person. Family first, right? In 2014, Parker should go dolo and then reconnect with childhood friends and cut off his brothers' allowance monies. Then he'll get a good idea of who his real friends are.

Athlete: Robert Griffin III

Robert Griffin III's best friend in Washington might be Redskins owner Dan Snyder, which is never a good thing. This past season, he feuded with teammates and coaches all while being babied by Snyder. He may have the keys to the Redskins franchise, but compared to other young quarterbacks around the league (Russell Wilson, Colin Kaepernick, Andrew Luck, and Cam Newton come to mind), he hasn't accomplished shit. Thirteen career wins and a singular playoff appearance in two seasons of football isn't a resume worthy of making power moves against teammates or coaches. A fresh start with a new head coach and a fully healed knee should provide a new lens of focus for Griffin in 2014.

Athlete: Carmelo Anthony

Carmelo Anthony is killing the Knicks, man. Just killing them. Granted, he's playing his heart out every night (on the offensive end), is rebounding at the highest rate of his career to make up for all of the Knicks' injuries on the frontline, and is posting nearly identical shooting numbers to his MVP-caliber 2012-2013 campaign. Melo is playing fantastic basketball. For Melo. And that alone is killing the Knicks. His box score might look stellar at the end of every night, but the final score sure doesn't.

Melo needs to have a "Come to LeBron" moment, and instead of viewing himself as the team's leading scorer and franchise savior, he needs to start proactively thinking of ways use his skills to improve the Knicks' deficiencies. Whether that's deferring some of the scoring load to Andrea Bargnani and J.R. Smith on some nights to play hawking defense or play facilitator somehow and get people involved. That's not his game, but the Knicks need a miracle at this point.

Athlete: Mike Trout

For the second straight season, Mike Trout was the best player in baseball, and for the second straight season, he finished second to Miguel Cabrera in the AL MVP vote. Do baseball writers have some sort of Bondsian grudge against the kid, or are they still collectively living in the Stone Age? It's probably a mixture of both, but at this point, it'd be hard to be Trout and not feel slighted. Any person working a normal job would be pissed if they were doing the best work in their office but kept being passed over for a promotion for some archaic line of workplace reasoning.

It's time for Trout to go out and make a name for himself in the world. Cabrera's known for his hard-partying ways, so maybe Trout should start making some noise too. Stuff like car jacking, dine-and-dashing, and light-tipping could be good for his image and for the attention of baseball writers. Then again, that group totally ignored two decades of rampant steroid use, so a GTA V Trevor-level spree of crime might be warranted here. After all, there's no such thing as bad press!

Athlete: Kyrie Irving

Something isn't right in Cleveland (shocking, I know). The Cavs have four Top 5 picks on their roster in Kyrie Irving, Dion Waiters, Tristan Thompson, and Anthony Bennett, yet are sitting at 10-20 in the Eastern Conference. Irving in particular keeps flashing superstar level talent, and is poised to put up another season of 22.0 PPG and 6.0 AST, which should be enough to drag the Cavs to a .500 record, right? Irving looks, feels, and puts up stats like a superstar, but doesn't have the wins to back it up. Reports of fighting between Waiters and Irving earlier in the season don't reflect well on Irving either, who's supposed to be a franchise player and leader from the point guard position.

It looks like the Cavs are headed for the lottery for the fourth straight season, so maybe it'd be best for Irving to pack up some bags and some Uncle Drew makeup, and go to Leadership Retreat. Talk to LeBron, Magic, Bird, and Pat Riley. Go to India and take LSD on a mountaintop. Moonlight as a priest at the Vatican. Intern at Fendi. Whatever. Irving needs to get his mind centered before his game and his team can take the leap.

Athlete: Luis Suarez

Hey Luis Suarez, Liverpool fans have a weird love/hate thing with you, but you need to start reciprocating that love more consistently. They've (for the most part) blindly stood by him through all the diving, racism, biting, and transfer request incidents. The Liverpool-Luis Suarez love/hate relationship is worse than Fitz and Olivia Pope on Scandal at this point. It's all love right now, as Suarez leads the Premier League in goals and has signed a £200K+ per week contract extension, but when summer comes, all bets are off. He's been using Liverpool as a stepping stone for some nameless European Giant (Real Madrid? Bayern Munich?) since he joined Liverpool, and a top four finish likely won't change that mindset. In 2014, Suarez should stop his scheming, embrace the love, and see out the end of a contract for once.

Athlete: Alex Rodriguez

What is Alex Rodriguez fighting for exactly? His legacy? The right to sucker punch Bud Selig? The remainder of his contract with the Yankees? C'mon. He's got enough money for 1,000 lifetimes and is still pulling ems well into his 30s. Isn't that enough? Why taint an already tainted legacy further by airing out dirty laundry in a courtroom? A-Rod has zero friends in baseball, and his endless siege of suits and counter suits against the commissioner's office feels like the ending of Scarface. Everyone is closing in on him, and he's determined to go out guns blazing. Rodriguez needs to take a step back, look in the mirror, remember how rich he is, and just walk away from it all. It's time.

Athlete: LeBron James

There's no way LeBron James screws this up again, right? Prior to the summer of 2010, James was everyone's favorite athlete. His approval ratings stood at 100 percent. We all wanted to see him lead Cleveland back to some semblance of significance. Then he went on national television and took a dump on the city. Boo. Hiss. The Band of Irrational LeBron Haters has played a steady beat these past three years, but he's managed to break it apart through winning. It's no fun rooting against someone if they keep on making you eat your words. Two titles in three years, recognition as the best basketball player on the planet, and new commercials featuring his adorable kids—life can't get much better for the King right now. Like just about every athlete who's ever faced public criticism before him, he's quieted his haters through putting up dubs. Yet in six months, he can screw it all up again.

This summer, James can opt out of his current contract with the Heat and test free agency. No superstar has ever left their team immediately following a championship season, so a Heat three-peat would likely prevent this impending disaster from happening, but what if? What if the Heat fall in the playoffs, and James looks around, sees a cicada shell of Dwyane Wade on the floor, and decides to bolt? A return to Cleveland would make everything right again, but would anyone be surprised if he moves out to Los Angeles and gets matching shaved haircuts with Kobe? Then it's back to square one. Boo. Hiss. You're a basketball missionary! Jordan would have never. Here's to hoping that James has learned from his past when making decisions in 2014.